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Mandamon

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Everything posted by Mandamon

  1. Overall, I thought the first chapter here was actually a lot better on the dialogue and slow bits than the other chapters so far. It felt a lot more real, I think because the characters were reacting to events, rather that going out to do their one symbolic thing. We get a lot more about the interactions between the characters, which builds them up a lot better. The second chapter was pretty good too, with some forward movement. Interesting to see where this is going. I still think we need more with this M side plot to really get a handle on what's going on, though. I'd also love to see more on the A/A and Z/X conflict. It's a really good storyline, but we've only brushed the surface of what it means. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Might need a reminder of what happened in the last chapter. pg 1: "They were an assassin --oh, ok. I hadn't gathered that. Pg 3: good reaction scene from the soldiers pg 9: pretty easy reading through here. I think these kind of character interactions are a lot more character-forming than the sort of forced "everyone buy a token" scenes. More of this up front will help. pg 9: "a couple days later" --Is there any repercussions from H? Are they in danger for those days? pg 10: "So if H shows up" --yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Is anything else happening with him escaping? pg 12: overall, pretty good chapter. Pg 14: not following all the intrigue completely. Probably partly from reading week to week, but I also think the part with M and the D are not as clear. pg 15: a lot of late-coming stuff with B here. I think bulking this up with some hints at the beginning will help. --Ah, but that might be a ruse, I see... pg 16: "bubble in the C ocean" --okay, now I'm forgetting why they're going here or how they know it's here. --Ah, so this was the place the deserters were staying? pg 20: I feel like the mirroring with A/A and Z/X needs to be brought out some more all the way through the book. It feels like a fairly big sub-arc, and it's only touched on a few times. pg 21: Interesting! I still think we need a lot more fleshing out with the side characters earlier in the book, though.
  2. Sorry for the late reply! I've been super busy with developmental edits, and am have now just finished travel to New Zealand! So I'm maybe a little fuzzier than usual what with the jetlag. Anyway, I largely agree with @FlowerGirl above that the first half is too dialogue-heavy, and philosophy-heavy, for that matter. It's a bit hard to stay engaged. The second half has a lot more action and some good fights. I think this is where the multitude of characters makes the story suffer, because I didn't have a lot of emotion with what happened to S. I was more trying to remember from which group he was and what relation to the others. I think cutting down the number of crew a bit will help. Hopefully I'll have a less jetlagged edit next time! Notes while reading: pg 3: "Her of all people?" --Is this implying L might be trans? Or something else? pg 4: Lots of discussion of the philosophy of ruling in these first pages. pg 8: Still haven't gotten to any action yet. There's a lot of preparation through here. pg 9: Oof. Maybe a little too on the nose through here? But also, if almost everyone is there who voted, and over half voted for her not to stand down, wouldn't there be about equal cries in answer to H's rally? pg 14: Alright more action through this half. pg 15: Some good motivation to move forward here. I also think the first half can be cut down a little, and maybe more of what they're preventing H from doing in the back half. He's escaping, but do they know where?
  3. Sorry for the late response--I was neck deep in a developmental edit all week... Seems I have similar reactions to @Silk. There's some good stuff here, but the story is sort of languishing while we look specifically at character development. Can the soldiers developing be tied into their actions rather than a static thing they've bought or found? That might move things along more. Notes while reading: pg 1: Was L here before? I don't remember her being in the last couple chapters. pg 3: "I know you see them all the time as a minister." This is something I haven't been clear on so far. Are the soldiers kept in barracks or something so that they never see the city that's a short walk from where they're fighting? pg 4: “Even with a minister lifespan" --so we know how long this is? pg 7: Yes, lots of talking by this point, but not a lot happening. pg 10: Some good development with D. pg 14: A lot of talk through here and some character development, but yes, I think things can be punched up a lot to get back to some action.
  4. In general, this chapter takes a while to get where it's going, and I'm not sure I caught what was going on with the politics in the end. The dynamic between A and Am is interesting, and I'm glad they're more open with each other, but I don't really know where it's going. Is A trying to learn more about herself by talking with Am? Does she just want to help Am? Am seems to be doing well (for a soldier) on his own. Notes while reading: pg 1: "they also saw the spectacle" --any reaction from this? what did they think? pg 2: "made no progress coming to any sort of conclusion." --So there's some pretty pointed political commentary through here and then sort of a shrug at what to do about it... pg 3: "It’s harder to give people a voice than it is to take it away.” --a little more here... pg 4: "need to assist my dad in making sure the house is in order" --Am I forgetting things? Have we heard about this before? pg 5: "It was only a matter of time before they struck." --But the J's don't even know about the I's, right? pg 9: we start to get into some more meaning with the conversation with A and Am here. It's been meandering a bit until now. I liked the bit with the bookstore, but we haven't really had any concrete plot progression this chapter. pg 12: This part is more interesting. We get some surprises from what Am knows, and the fact he knows more that A. I'm not sure it really goes anywhere though. I have a feeling it means something deeper for the book, but I don't know what that is. pg 14: “How long did it take you to realize?" --Still struggling a bit here. Is A questioning that she is trans and Am is not, when they came from the same DNA? That happens with twins, so it's something we know about already. Is her goal to see that Am wants to transition too? pg 17: “Take us...To M" --Lost me here again. I don't remember who this is. I'm alright with the lead up to this point, but We have so many new names in this section I'm losing who's who. pg 18: There's a lot of lies and machinations in the last few pages and I'm not sure I followed all of them. I think some more restructuring in the first act might help to support what they're doing through here.
  5. I think you could certainly do this, but right now the roles in part 1 are I think too subtle for the reader to pick up. Even having someone mention the division will help, even if they don't yet know what it means.
  6. I think if this is going to focus on A's gender, there needs to be a whole lot more setup on that side in the first part. I didn't get that as a big theme in the story. We get some response to that here, but it would make more sense with revisions in part 1. This chapter is a bit slower as well. It sets up some things, but mostly it's a chat between C and A, with some things relevant to the plot. Again, more setup before this will lend more meaning to what's happening here. Notes while reading: pg 2: "Ash blinked. She… was a doomspeaker? " --Has she commended the monsters? pg 3: "The boy blinked." --there hasn't been any mention of him being onscreen so I was thrown out by this. pg 5: "having a fluffy cat for company" --Has she even seen a cat before? Do they have animals on the other island? pg 7: It's pretty slow through these middle pages... pg 9: So if the head guard isn't supposed to do this, how did he get everyone to come here? pg 11: This chapter gives some good setup for what's coming next, but there's a lot of downtime through the middle as well. We haven't really seen home life on the other island. A tells us what she expects, but we haven't really seen it enough for the reader to come to a conclusion.
  7. So, I think overall this works, but needs some cleanup on this part and probably some condensing on the first part. My main issues with this one was the lack of blocking on most of the action scenes, and the whole "mystery plan" in the middle. Especially with the two together, it was hard to keep track of what was going on. I think either the plan needs to be clarified and then we see something go wrong, or there needs to be a lot more description and blocking as to what's happening. And can we also get closure on who unlocked the controls and whether M and T are actually a thing or not? More observations below... Notes while reading: pg 2: Nicknames: yes, this definitely needs to be compressed into 1. I think there's three versions of T's name in the first couple pages. Plus one of the mirrors a certain main antagonist... pg 3 :"Pull us— uh, as hard" --took me a couple reads to understand "as" was a replacement for "us." pg 5: "vacuum sucked the breath from her pores" --I think we either need some indication of what they're doing here, or skip over some of this part to see the end result. We have a secret (from the reader) plan so none of the actions through here really make any sense. pg 6: I am...not sure what's going on here. M was keeping T's rescue quiet, and now they're letting the kidnapper know, but I'm not sure what the consequences are? pg 6: "whatever your name is...told me your name" --Wouldn't it be more effective then to mention his name as proof M knows it? pg 6: "This dumbbell plan of hers had to work" --still very confused on what the kidnapper and M's plans are. I think we need some hint of what's going on. pg 7: “Because of the recording I gave J?!” --I feel like I'm not in on the joke here because we don't know what's in the recording. pg 8: “I almost died.” --uh, I guess T really needs a clean suit now... pg 9: "did not own that name" --I think this just confuses matters, unless it's going to be a plot point later on. Can he have a different name? Or at least not that nickname? pg 10: "locker lid tumbled serenely out into space" --still confused here. I really think we need to know all or part of this plan. Are they not in oxygen? Are they trying to seal J somewhere? I don't know why they're doing the actions they are. pg 12: “Yeah, I need to change this suit if nothing else,” --heh, called it. pg 12: So I think the plan came together in the end, but there was a lot of things being thrown, and actions taken, and I still think some preface to it will help set us up while reading it. I don't know if "gang up on him" needs to be kept secret from the reader. I was also convinced they were going to use the sealant to actually *seal* J somewhere so he couldn't escape. pg 13: “Had some kind of doodad on him that de-magged the magnaties,” --wait, so he just...got free? Offscreen? After the whole cloak and dagger and victory of tying him down and everything? I thought he was got at this point. pg 14: Hm. Not a fan of this section. It seems like a reset so they can have another fight with the bad guy. I'd much rather hear the original plan, see something go wrong with it in execution, and not have the "oh he gets free again" section. pg "*** YOU’RE *** *** WELCOME ***" --Should we know where this comes from? The android? Q? pg 17: “Sure, I can do that.” --a bit of whiplash from this section. M doesn't think they'll work out now? Except she's going along with T again? And does she know or not who the mystery benefactor was? pg 18: Another nice crossover with TBB. pg 19: "maybe things were going to be okay, for now." --So I guess they are back on, then?
  8. I think the gender politics here will be a lot more impactful if we had any idea that was going on before. I don't think we ever knew that ministers were only women. That brings A and her clone into relief a lot more, as well as the whole transition from soldier to minister. Right now we see the soldiers being shocked, but I only figured out why a few pages later. If that's going to be a big section of this part, it needs to be vey clear going into it, so the reader has the payoff from the twist. Notes while reading: pg 1: Some long sentences in the first few paragraphs pg 1: "a good couple of hours in a straight line" --so these islands are like 4 or 5 miles apart? pg 3: "So it’s really true that soldiers on I can..." --can what? I'm not getting the change here. We saw male soldiers on the other island. pg 4: "why the label of soldier didn’t fit him" --still not sure on this myself. Because he's older? pg 4: "middle-aged minister, but a man" --wait, are all ministers female? Did we know that? pg 4: "like how minsters have mothers" --ok, starting to see what's going on here, but I don't think this was ever laid out in the first part. I think this needs to be a point the reader knows already, so that it's a surprise. Right now, we're being told completely new information. pg 6: "wonder if that really was the right way to build a society" --yeah, this all would have a lot more impact if we were shown previously what the society on the other island is like. I don't think we ever got much wordbuilding, so this revelation for the characters falls flat for the reader. pg 11: good action with the fight, but I'm more interested in why the soldiers leave civilians out there and why this society is different. pg 13: "I’m in charge like the queen" --so are these people aware of the other islands? And they know A's crew is from the other island? pg 14: I think it needs to be clearer whether these people know what's going on with the islands and how they perceive the newcomers.
  9. Was aiming to give a little insight into how food works on Hygiea, in terms of what they grow and what they import. Except tomato leaves are poisonous, right? Or at least inedible. I'll see what I think at the end and if there are spots where it could be more stand-alone Just meaning that she's recognizing and reacting to the situation before the one in command. The idea was that Moth would think it really sad and pathetic to have a family clipboard, passed down through generations, but that in this case it is fact. So, she's not actually being mean. Ok. I didn't even clock that would be a thing someone would comment on...
  10. Interesting cast of characters for this one! I'm glad we get to see some of M's associates. Overall, I think it moves just a tad slowly before we get to the hijacking and what happens, but that does let us get to know the other characters. There are a lot for something this short! So far I'm keeping them separate, though I wonder if everyone will be needed in the end. A few blocking comments and unclear references, which I've marked, but overall enjoyable! I'll wait to read the rest to give my final opinion. Notes while reading: pg 3: "She’d always been weak; weak and pretty, a lousy combination for this line of work." --Interesting intro. I wonder if not starting with one of the main characters would be an issue for people coming to this from Q&M? pg 3: "tomato leaves" --why? pg 4: okay, so this is pretty much meant for people who have read TMM and TCC? pg 5: "M remembered she had friends." --Good to see this, but it's not really mentioned in the other stories. pg 6: And of course I had to look back at TBB to see this was the same conversation. pg 7: "even schlumping in angle of front and side windows" --something missing in this sentence? pg 8: "J tried really hard not to beam." --maybe a bit out of POV? Also, this section ends on a reaction not from M, which I would expect as it's her POV. A good intro to the other students though. pg 8: "That wasn’t even her being mean" --what wasn't? I'm missing why that's mean. pg 8: "compressed would pulp" -> "compressed wood pulp? pg 9: Tho. and Tu. are the same person right? Confusing to switch back and forth with the names. pg 10: "And why was she following this ridiculous..." --glad that was addressed. I was wondering. pg 10: "floated ten minutes away" --So I'm guessing this is a rescue training exercise? pg 11: “How long can you hold your breath" --What is this in reference to? pg 12: "Speed of sound..." --I'm guessing all this is calculations and not part of the story? pg 13: Welp, guess M has had some good training with Q. pg 14: "Why was she stilling worrying about the dumb forfeit?" --I thought this was referring to S, but I think it's M thinking about herself? Took me a couple reads to get through. pg 17: Maybe a little more closure in this section? We still don't really know what's going on, and M didn't actually talk to S like she says she was going to. pg 18: "...maybe all she would have" --very long sentence. pg 20: A little confusion with the blocking here. I'm not sure where the heat shield is coming in and what Moth's doing.
  11. This is starting to get to some interesting topics, and I'm looking forward to the journey coming next time, but yes, I think the pacing and characters here don't quite work. It's partially because we had a break in November, but I'm having a lot of trouble remembering what each soldier's "thing" is and what problems they're dealing with. So a lot of the small character moments here fell flat. I was too busy trying to remember who everyone was, along with the healer, the deserters, etc. This goes back to what I said with the first few submissions that the soldiers need to be really clear for the reader. I think there might be too many to focus on emotional growth with each one. Maybe having one or two soldiers to be the "example" for the others will help narrow things down? Notes while reading: pg 1: "The whole room was only the size of I’s house" --but I don't know how big the house is. pg 2: This takes a bit to get going in the first couple pages. Could probably be condensed a bit. pg 3: "Not the only island" --Did we know this yet? If not, I think this warrants a bit more response from everyone. It's a big secret that's been revealed, right? pg 5: "Near identical to P.L.’s explanation" --Ah, so I guess we have gotten this information before. WRS, I guess? pg 5: "We cannot allow the imperial patriarchy to be reborn" --Is this something we know about? I feel like we're getting into deep matters that haven't been mentioned yet. pg 6: "but decided not to challenge S" --Am I missing a part here? Isn't S one of A's soldiers? Why is she deferring to him? pg 9: Still getting confused will all the names here. I'm having trouble remembering what each person does and what their trauma is. pg 11: Having trouble connecting with the emotional content here because I can't keep the soldiers straight. Part of it is WRS and missing a month, but part is because there's so many characters. pg 16: Interesting. So Am does seem to be a different person that A.
  12. Awesome. That's what I hoped for! Ah, thanks. I'll change that. Great comments!
  13. Thanks @Ace of Hearts! Great comments. Yes, I think you might not be the target audience especially if you haven't seen the thing this is parodying (hint, it's here). Glad this came through! I wanted to have a little more context to the "why" here since the original short is very light on motivation (or reasoning in general). Did you not see anything until after page 8, or is this including the innuendo through the rest of the story?
  14. Yes. I was trying to come up with something to rhyme with "bryl creme" and that popped into my head. I meant that M patched through regardless, but either works. Added a sentence. Good idea. Added one sentence there and one near the end. Yes, I think it works better. Thanks!
  15. Have I mentioned before that you're a bad influence? Probably? Hm, yeah. I figured it would be obvious either way so decided to just ... let it be obvious. Do I need to obfuscate a little bit? I think it's fine for a short story Sooo my original conception for this story was to have the antagonist try to trigger an actual, rebirth-of-the-universe big bounce, then I let my own suspension of disbelief get in the way and backed off. So... literal end of the universe not too much after all? Yes, absolutely go for the most over the top explanation! That's what I was expecting.
  16. Sending back line edits with some typos and things as well. Overall, I liked this, but I wanted more connection with the experiment to the title, and more specifically, what it would actually do to the station. I'd also like a lot more physical descriptions and interaction, especially given the theme of the anthology. I think it's a good start, but just needs a little more to make it boom. Notes while reading: pg 1: "And it had started with a slow leak." --I feel like this is disconnected from the effect above it because of all the explanation in between. pg 2: "Super Massive Hadron Collider" --Is there a "hardon collider" joke coming? Because it seems like there is. (narrator: there was no joke) pg 2: "The commbank pulling" -> "The commbank is pulling" (Putting the rest of these in line edits) pg 3: "“Not yet." --This is also a bit hard to read. I think it's in answer to a question two paragraphs ago? pg 5: "“Did the lights just go out for you too?” ' --Aren't they in the same place now? pg 5: Confused here. M says, “Be at Bravo Zeta in five,” which I assume means physically meeting S, but they seem like they're still talking online. pg 7: "“Thanks,” I murmur to the maintenance man’s retreating back." --so did M leave the area? Confused about where they are. Are they physically in this system, or is it all virtual? pg 7: “I don’t mind waiting.” --M needs to meet up with security, but is catching their breath? pg 8: “And now we’re trapped here.” --which is where, exactly? pg 8: "Why keep us trapped on the rest of the station?” --still not sure where S is physically. pg 11: "is abandoned" --repetition with the start of the paragraph pg 11: “Of course. We call it a ghost field.” --ok, well all of this just took a left turn... pg 14: yeah, figured it was C. pg 15: "I’m not going to let the station fall apart." --sooo...what was the plan? Start a mini-big bounce in the station? Not clear on the objective. pg 17: "had to do it this way" --Still not entirely sure what C is doing? I want it to be a big end of the universe thing, but I feel like it would just inconvenience the station for a bit and then it would restart. pg 17: "throwing his arms around me" --So, this doesn't actually have a lot of physical contact, for the topic. pg 19: I think the ending is satisfying, but I want a little more out of the whole thing. A little more bang, and adventure! Some more comments in the line edits pertaining to the anthology itself.
  17. Welcome back! It's been quiet. I'm sort of torn on the interlude. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything else we've seen so far, so I'm not sure what it's doing except introducing a rather unsavory character. I'm sure it will tie into something later, but I'd like a few more connections with something else we've seen so far. I don't have a whole lot of comments on this intro to the second part. I think part is that it's been almost a month since I last read submission of this, so I'm forgetting the characters, but it seemed like, with the introduction of three more characters, it was getting to be too many, especially since I don't think I really knew the team members well enough before now. I'll have to see what happens with the next sections. I'm interested in A trying to keep her whole team alive, so that's a good reason to keep reading. There's a lot of hijinks going on with the people in control. Maybe we're going to learn more about that next time? Notes while reading: Pg 2: I was thinking the Doomspeaker was A. at first, but I guess this is someone else. pg 5: well, he's awful. Truthful, but awful. Pg 10: not too much to comment on through here. Everything's getting set up for the next part. Pg 14: Ah. The cloning thing is clearer now. I think I was just assuming that's what they were doing from the beginning. pg 16: Does Am. have a connection to T? Sounds like he knows him. Or is he just being a decent person? pg 18: Partially it's being on a break for a month. but I think it's getting to the point where there are too many characters active to keep track of.
  18. Hi Folks! This is a very silly story I'm going to submit to an anthology before Dec 17, so feedback before then will be appreciated! Let me know of any comments you have, and bonus points if you guess what it's an homage to!
  19. Oh hey, I can submit here too! Can I have a slot for the 4th? Subbing a story that needs to be entered to an anthology by the 17th.
  20. I though this was a good ending to part 1! We get a lot of resolution, and I really like the twist at the end. I'm happy to critique more, and fine with continuing with part 2. There's definitely some worldbuiling aspects that can be made clearer in the first part, but overall, the story itself is proceeding well. I'm interested to see where it goes in the next part. I'm assuming our heroes will look for the next Big Bad to find out what's going on. Looking forward to the next part! Notes while reading: pg 3: the fight descriptions could probably be cut down a bit. I like P's thinking behind what he can do, but the actions themselves don't really matter except in the larger picture. pg 5: "exoskeleton exploded" --Does this have any negative effects aside from him not being armored? He doesn't seem to be stunned, he can still summon weapons, and reacts fast. It's a big moment, but doesn't seem to do much to slow him down. pg 5: "was going to drown." --as, is this is? The exoskeleton also lets them breathe under the ocean? In that case I would have expected some flailing from P, or choking, or something if he's going to an air bubble to nothing. pg 9: Good scene through here. Gives a good reason to recruit the deserters, and P's sacrifice is a good motivator. pg 12: "looking back" --Aha! Great twist.
  21. Definitely an end to the first part! There's a lot of things happening here, but I'm not sure all of them really got set up. The bit at the beginning with L is especially confusing. I'm not sure what the plan is there or why a princess would be involved. I think a few more hints on the mysterious voice and on A's abilities might help as well to make this more surprising yet inevitable, rather than just surprising. Thoughts while reading: Pg 1: I'm not sure what preserving just the memory of the soldiers will do? pg 1: "when she passed people in town" --I still don't think we've gotten a good description of where the town is compared to the shore where the defenders are. Sounds like it's very close if she can take a morning run from the town and be there. pg 1: Not sure what's going on here with the plan. It's putting L in danger evidently, but isn't she the royal heir and really bad person to put into danger? pg 2: "You think we’re poorly treated now?" --L is poorly treated? Confused. pg 2: I'm not sure what's happening through here at all. She got stats on the deserters last chapter, right? Is that what they're working off of? Very confused. pg 3: "No sign of them yet" --this is the deserters, right? pg3 : " they might not have an excuse to go as hard on us. Which means we might get better lives our next reincarnation.” --Wait, do the ministers control the reincarnation? I thought it just sort of happened. pg 3: "If we convince the pro-soldier ministers that we’re willing to die for them, it will be better for us in the long run.” -- I feel like I'm missing something between the last chapter and this one. pg 5: They're going on a bunch about how they're all going to die and we don't even know what the plan is. I think we need a little more on what attack they're expecting and why the soldiers all think they're going to die. pg 6: “It’s go time.” --Maybe a little more about what the heck the mysterious voice is whispering in her head? pg 8: We just go straight into fighting, but it's a little hazy for me still. I still don't really know why our heroes are doomed and what they would need to do to succeed. pg 10: This weird voice in her head seems like a bit of a deus ex machina. Have we had any hint of it before? pg 15: So there's a lot going on here suddenly. I think a little more buildup before this point might help with hints about the mysterious voice, and what their plan is, and what weapons A uses. They all come in at key moments here but I'm not sure they're built up enough to really show what's happening.
  22. I think overall the plot is progressing well. There are a couple odd character things going on, mainly the relationship with A and her mother, and her lack of command of the soldiers (both commented on below) . Mainly I think we just need some more information. This was originally described as having a steep learning curve, but I haven't seen any reason it needs to be. There are enough cool things going on with this world that it will take a while to explore them, and there are plenty of secrets. So completely explaining everything else will make it a lot more accessible. How do the soldiers/ministers arrive? Who are they fighting? Are there other people? How big is this place they're in? All these are not really needed for the main mysteries, but will make the story a lot easier to understand. In all, I'm enjoying it, and looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 1: Why is she crying? Because of the injured soldier she doesn't know very well? Or something else? pg 1: "But I’m not giving up on him. Not now, not ever.” --So...what do they do with injured soldiers? Is it like a forced regeneration into a minister? Or do not all soldiers do that? pg 2: Seems like there's a lot of people who might be sympathetic to change. I think knowing better what they're changing from will help. pg 6: “I’m not going to punish him.” --I think this is straying into an area where it is appropriate to punish him. These are still soldiers, and so far A has tried to be their friend. However she's also their commander, and they need to be ready to obey her orders in an instant. Where is she drawing the line with talking back and acting out? pg 8: "vague promise of a better future they were never going to see." --but I haven't really seen what the problem with the present is. We've been told the soldiers are mistreated, but this crew is mostly just hanging out, fighting monsters. They don't have any active campaigns against them. pg 11: "That’s what happens to us when we reach hit eight years" --Well that's new. Also seems to be unknown to A. Having her know some of these things, or be able to list the injustices happening to the soldiers will give some more credence to them being oppressed. pg 12: "truly cruel and rotten to his core." --eh, I'd say he's more devoted to his cause. A lot of revolutionaries are not nice people. That's for the ones that come after, because the cruel actions paved the way... pg 13: these conversations with her mom are weird. It like the book changes from an epic fantasy to a YA suddenly. Usually someone commanding other people is not living under the roof of a parent still. pg 13: still confused here. So all ministers were once soldiers, but not all soldiers get to be ministers? Or were not all ministers soldiers? Why just some of them? pg 14: B doesn't react that A talked directly to the leader of the deserters? Or wondered how she was able to find him? pg 16: "They just… appeared instead of being born out of wombs after receiving the queen’s blessing." --that's...strange. Like appear out of thin air? Any particular place? Or just where needed? pg 18: all the warrior/weapon notes are interesting, but I'm not sure how much readers would remember them. I guess it's not a surprise that the bureaucracy knows all about them, but I still don't really know how this system works. Are there other classes besides soldiers and ministers? Are there just regular people?
  23. Nice character building here, which is your strongest skill. We get a lot of good information about several people, though I wanted a little more about if A recognized M (and the healer) from before. It seemed like she did, but I didn't get a lot about with the cutoff name. Edit: oooooh, was/is she trans? That would make more sense with the emphasis on "woman" and cutting off the name. If so, it might be good to slip another hint in there. Overall, a nice submission that moves both plot and characters along. good job! Notes while reading: pg 2: another fight scene here. I still don't think I have a good enough grasp on the individual powers to know how they work in battle. pg 2: Do we actually know anything about Z? I feel like we're getting P's decision, without knowing the stakes he's deciding on. pg 4: Did N suspect P before? It seems like N knew he was working for the deserters at first, but then was surprised when P told him. pg 8: Interesting revelation from M! pg 9: is the name cut off here? Is there a reason to? Is it like a deadname for A? I can't tell from the circumstances, and I wonder if it would be better to hear the whole name in this case if it's going to be repeated again? pg 12: good interplay with the soldiers here. pg 13: I thought M said A would recognize the healer? I was expecting L to pop up, but is there any indication A knows this person?
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