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Mandamon

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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

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About Mandamon

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  • Birthday May 26

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    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. Very cool! I was glad to get back into this universe. Generally I agree with @Robinski and @industrialistDragon, but hopefully I have a few new comments... Notes while reading: pg 1: was this Ne's name now? When did it change from At? pg 2: Heave -> Heaven (several times) pg 2: "her uncle’s religion" --did it change under her uncle, or did he just inherit it from the previous high priest? pg 4: Ah, this explains the Ne vs. At name. pg 5: then she refers to herself as At. here...some confusion, or is she transitioning from one name to another? Overall, I think this explains more about Ne's past than the first two books! I was glad to finally experience this story, since we've heard about it in the books, but as Robinksi says, I don't think this would mean nearly as much to one who hasn't read Ard. I also thought Ne's personality was a little off for the first couple pages, and I think IndustrialistDragon has pegged it--Ne's channeling So. As to where this is going, I'm wondering how viable this is as a full book vs. releasing bonus stories on your website or as a reader magnet. I looooved that book so much, exactly because we got to see what was happening behind the scenes. It was one of my favorite SW books. But would I have loved it if I wasn't a fan of Star Wars? No. Even if I had just seen the movies, but didn't love them, I don't think I would have appreciated the stories. It's a book for a fan. Similarly, this could be a book for your dedicated fans, but (I'm guessing) wouldn't sell as well as the main novels. My suggestion would be expanding from short stories to novelette or novella-length stories to get more buy-in from new readers. Or maybe have a long feature at the beginning to get readers interested, then follow up with some short stories.
  2. Welcome to the agreement club, where the first rule is agreeing! ...ahem. I agree with @kais. The intro is much better, and the story already feels tighter. Then it gets to Quirk, and I really enjoy his worldview, buuut...that's all the chapter is. As kais says, if we can get a little more movement on the plot before leaving this chapter, it will get the reader much more invested. I actually remembered Moth being in this one the first time around, but I think I was combining the first few chapters in my head. Notes while reading: pg 3: "There were some really cool formations in here" --in there? Since all of this is past tense. pg 3: "after this exo " --his exo? pg 4: This intro is a lot better than what I remember. Helps to set the scene a lot more. pg 4: "A.c. first, and can G.c.’s android tech company --this isn't clear pg 7: The end of the last chapter falls a little flat because you've already said the doctor has seen many of these mappings. I don't feel like he would be this surprised. pg 8: "jumps suits" --jumpsuits? pg 9: Why does the ITT acronym not have the same letters as the full name? Wouldn't it be ITH? pg 9: "fresh. in his head" --extra period pg 11: "well-healed " --well-heeled pg 12: "a food deal cheaper" --I assume the local currency is not based on coupons for meals...
  3. Thanks for the offers! I'll see how this week goes. I think I'm getting a handle on it. It's amazing how much I recognize immediately as redundant, from only a year more writing, as well as coming off doing this same thing to Seeds. I have a list of overused words and everything!
  4. I agree with @ICanDream on the character part. Shy needs to be stronger. I don't think she would have gotten where she was being so passive. Overall though, the character is really coming along. Notes while reading: pg 1: "and not to be dealt with" --you could make this more specific and convey a lot more information pg 1: "It had to contain the power of all three Orders to provide the water for Narthen." --ok, but why? pg 2: "Why couldn’t the Sand Lords have made Narthen out of something other than sand?" --well, I assume they wouldn't call themselves Sand lords, then... ;-) pg 3: "That was her deadline." --Unecessary--you've already told us there's a deadline. pg 4: "What an indolent imbecile." --Why does S. think this? He's bringing the meeting to where it needs to be. He's the only one addressing the problem, since S. is just sitting there watching. pg 5: 1) The masters don't seem very smart and 2) the murderer is sitting right there! Why isn't S doing anything? Character notes: 1) Regards things as bothers. Does this mean she's very tidy, or doesn't regard much as a threat, or what? 2) Doesn't like sand getting everywhere even though she's probably used to sand being everywhere. 3) Wants to wear the correct outfit to an official function - shows acceptance of hierarchy. I'm leaning toward the "likes things tidy" explanation for the above. 4) I like that she has a categorization of "bother," but at the same time, that doesn't jive with "a deep, lingering sorrow for his death." Which is it? So in summary, S seems like a tidy person who doesn't want any mess, but also won't speak up if she sees something wrong. She seems content to go along with others until it's nearly too late. I think you have a good start on this character, but I would argue she needs to be more active. In fact, most of your characters do. Especially for masters, who are supposed to be at the top of their discipline, none are doing anything except the murderer.
  5. Thanks! So far going well--I've got 4 chapters done. I'm mainly taking out unnecessary words and the occasional redundant phrase, so I don't think I'm changing the meaning much.
  6. Alright...I can do this. I figured out I just need to remove 34 words per page!
  7. Welcome back!
  8. Yeah, I want to submit, but the only accept up to 130k. Mine's at 137k and I have had no time with releasing Seeds to cut it down. Hopefully I can do so in the next couple weeks!
  9. @Master OoklaJack Re. Fridging, @kais can certainly help you out on that front, and is our resident keeper of the Fridging Counter. But to get you started, here are two resources: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/StuffedIntoTheFridge https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_Refrigerators
  10. @Master OoklaJack certainly not boring. The fact that you listen to our (sometimes overcritical...) critiques and learn from them goes a long way to showing your character, and I can already see your writing getting better. Keep writing and keep up the submissions!
  11. @ICanDream, read through the "Welcome to Reading Excuses" here: http://www.17thshard.com/forum/topic/1369-welcome-to-reading-excuses/ @Silk can set you up on the email list.
  12. Well, this was more interesting than the prologue! I think this character does have potential, but the biggest thing that threw me out was how S.T. acts. You state that she's already a master in the first line, but then she acts like a teenager when confronted with her master's death. F.R. calling her "child" when she's 60--eh, I know this is standard for some religious institutions, but that combined with her age/mental discrepancy doesn't work for me. I would assume that someone with the training to be called "master" in anything would be more mentally composed when dealing with adversity. Some thoughts about exploring a 60 year old woman being a main character (most of these apply to an old man as a character as well): --What/how many things has she trained in? (I'm in my 30s, and have already spent 10+ years in at least 3 very different disciplines) What other skills can she draw on at any time? --Does she have a relationship with people other than F.R.? How insular are these sand master disciplines? --Does she have a family? Has she been pregnant? If she has a child, how old are they? Does she have grandchildren? How do these relationships affect how she thinks about F.T. killing off people? --Has she killed someone before? Why/how? --It sounds like she's part of the Council. How low has she been part of it, and why would they think she had anything to do with her beloved master's death? --Is she scared of dying? --You mention her getting too old to run around. What old injuries does she have? Does anything just not work right any more? How does she compensate for it?
  13. I want to read that book.
  14. Looks like I'm the first! And here I thought I was running late. As for POV, I didn't really get any significant attributes out of Denar. Seemed like a fairly standard young male protagonist. Sarrann has even less development. Why are they here? I'm not even really sure what the tests do, so I don't yet understand their reasoning. Right now, they both could be switched out for any other character. If you're looking for a POV, I'd ask why a reader would want to take a 80k-150k word journey with this person. Master FangTar at least had a reason for guarding the stone. Honestly, I'd rather read a fantasy about an 80 year old (female) master of martial arts at this point than another standard teenager. readability-wise, I had trouble getting into this submission. First, it was very hard for me to tell how many people and swords there were. Second, the blocking and situation just doesn't work for me. Why are people climbing up swords in a wall to escape a pit filling with water? Just float/swim up with the water. Or if nothing else, if the swords can find purchase in a wall, there's probably enough texture to get a fingerhold to hold a person up, while they tread water. If the water was poisoned, or freezing, or something to give more threat, it could also work better, but right now I can't suspend my disbelief enough. Notes while reading: Pg 1: some blocking problems in the first paragraph. It took me a long time to figure out they were climbing up a sequence of swords stuck in the wall. I'm also not sure the flat of a sword would support a person's weight, and sitting on the edge would be...uncomfortable. pg 1: "wrapping around a sword blade" --ah...this is important to know. Say this earlier. pg 1: "The boy on the rung below" --wait, how many people are climbing up these swords? I think there was mention of another girl as well--so 4? more? I thought there were only 3 or 4 swords total, but this seems like there need to be more. Need to say explicitly how many people and swords are here. pg 2: "water had begun filling the room around them" --sooo, stupid question, but wouldn't it take about the same energy (or less) to simply dog paddle in the water as it filled the room, rather than stabbing swords in a wall and trying to climb them? pg 2: "sliding off without a sound, slipping into the depths below." --so no one can swim either? pg 3: "pulled himself onto the sword" --this is still not working for me. Swords are not structurally sound pieces of furniture. pg 4: "had to cram onto one sword" --nope. pg 4: "There were only four of them" --There were five? I thought there were four.