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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

Mandamon had the most liked content!

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About Mandamon

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    Complex and Unnecessary
  • Birthday May 26

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    North Carolina
  • Interests
    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. I think this is the best contender so far. And I'll just make this the subtitle...
  2. Thanks @Silk! Pinnacle maybe, but I think the others sound a bit too much like a mountain, where they'll be climbing a vertical wall.
  3. "Journey to the Preeminent of the Nether" "Journey to the Five-Star of the Nether" "Journey to the Excellent of the Nether" ;-)
  4. That was actually the inspiration for it, so I'd say good! Not really...It's a kid's book. They're going to reach the objective. It's more in how they reach it. This one's alright, but I'd want to substitute 'Nether' for 'world,' and then I'm almost back where I started. Something like this name is probably my second favorite, but it lacks that last bit of poetry, and the reference back to Verne... This is also a good point, and appeals to me as well. Thanks to @industrialistDragon, @mrwizard70, and @Robinski! This is a great stress test, and I'm finding I like the original name better and better as more come up. One last thing. Which sounds better? "Journey to the Top of the Nether," or "Journey to the Roof of the Nether?" (although 'roof' gives me the impression of being on the outside of things, whereas they'll be staying inside the Nether.)
  5. Thanks @mrwizard70! I'm starting to feel more confident in my title...
  6. Ah yes--I knew there was another reason I was wary! Although if kids like Minecraft and end buying my book...this is a plus? No necessarily. I just like novel titles that are easily accessible. Like most of the examples you gave, it's at least a word with real-world usage, so that's good. I definitely wouldn't want something like "Silistra" or "Rathorn" in the title. Maybe it's just me. This one has potential, as does "Ascending the Wall of Light," but I'm wondering if that's going too general and doesn't actually tell anything about the book. Thanks for the input!
  7. Need to tap the group mind on a title. My second novella that's coming out soon is a Mid-Grade Jules Verne-like adventure, in which a band of explorers are climbing the walls of the Nether for the first time. POV is the daughter of the head explorer. My first choice for a name is: Journey to the Top of the Nether But I'm sure about putting "Nether" in the title since it's a specific in-world word. Should I have something more generic? Does anyone else have ideas? Here are some I came up with, but I don't like any of them as much as the first one: Climbing the Walls of Light The Walls of Light The Walls of Crystal From the Ground to the Sky
  8. Not a problem. I was starting to lean in that direction anyway. I could easily substitute a portion of the mid-grade novella I'm currently writing. I need a lot of help on getting the voice right. I will probably take you up on that... ;-)
  9. Ah--ok. I'd never heard of it before and thought there was a typo with "Great Lake."
  10. Hmm...thanks @industrialistDragon! I was sort of afraid of this. Maybe it would be better to hang back from submitting the rest and ask for some beta readers after applying the feedback so far? I'll also be getting comments back from other readers who haven't had week long breaks, so I can compare notes.
  11. I'm still enjoying this a lot. I didn't really have anything to comment on for the first half. It all flowed smoothly and made sense. The meeting with the elders was interesting, and I felt added a bunch of worldbuilding we haven't seen yet. I'm glad we got an answer to W.'s difficulty with the town. it's all very unfair, but also easy to see happening. I'm with W all the way up to the end of the section, but then she pulls the line about pretending to feel something for L. Hopefully this will be answered in the next section, but it seems out of character for her to pretend to like someone, especially since she notes L as being one who had shown her kindness and she needed to repay. Definitely looking forward to W breaking free and getting out into the forest, whether with L, or the huntress, or alone, I'm not sure. I have a feeling there is a lot that isn't as it seems with this little village. Notes while reading: pg 6: "pain shall be visited upon those whom the dark god’s touch falls upon" --take out the second "upon" and this is perfect. pg 6: "strange ears" --I wasn't completely sure on this the last time it was mentioned. It seemed like was just the inside of the ear that was different, which seems a very specific thing to focus on. How obvious is the difference? pg 6: "We have questioned why you feel the need to escape from such work" --I wouldn't think getting away from lifting stone and shoveling dung requires too much questioning... pg 10: "scrapped up the wax pools" --scraped pg 11: "crouched over a writhing loom beetle" --I remember that too! Which makes this section all the more poignant... pg 12: "There’s other jobs that need in hands tomorrow." --?? pg 14: "It was a cruel thing, making him believe she reciprocated his feelings for her" --So why is she doing this? It seems out of character for W.
  12. I also didn't have a problem with the dialogue, as @kais says, some of it was a little stilted, but it fit in with the older time period and military bent. There was a lot of grammar stuff I didn't mark, as I assume you'll clean this once it's off an ipad. I also agree the boy's motivations were unclear at the start, but made sense at the end. Moving a couple lines closer to the beginning can fix this. My main problem was him switching back and forth between giving out information and trying to save his neck. I would think a member of an insular community wouldn't give away any information they didn't have to. THAT SAID, I enjoyed what we've seen of the MC's character so far. He's capable and intelligent, and had learned a lot by watching, even though he's a wharf rat. I think fleshing out his character can make him very enjoyable to read. He reminds me a little of Locke Lamora, though without as much snark. Giving him a concrete reason for spilling the fortresses' plans could be an interesting hook (he hates the lord, he wants to be a pirate, he doesn't like hurting people but likes stealing...etc...). Notes while reading: pg 1: This might be on the edge of too much description and not enough action, but it's still drawing me in. pg 1: love the curse! pg 2: the MC is almost doing an infodump, telling the pirate everything he wants to know. pg 3: "drop in his likeness to shoot me on a whim " --?? pg 3/4: I'm not sure how I feel about the MC spilling his guts about the best way to take the fortress. It's interesting, but I want to see where it goes and how it affects his character. pg 5: "I’ll probably be hung for turning traitor.” --Yeah, I think this is problem I have. MC says he's saving his own skin, but giving away so much information might be more hurtful than helpful to him. pg 7: "you could help the boat we leave behind to stay alive" --??
  13. Generally agree with @kais (no surprise there). I also felt like this was a lot of tell, and little show. However, this is a lot more exciting than the first couple of chapters. You could probably cut those down to a couple pages and have this as the end of the first chapter. If you're bored with something you're writing, or it's not working, then it's probably not needed! I think writing the forest scenes will slow everything back down. I was actually kind of surprised and pleased when I realized you had jumped from them kidnapping her to bedding down for the night. If there's nothing interesting that happens, you don't need to write about it. This has the start of a good story. Now you've introduced the bloodlines, the prince, and A's ability, I'm much more invested in the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: There's a lot of discussion of exact skin color. You could probably simplify this down to a few descriptors. pg 3: This is still text from last time, right? pg 3: ah, ok. She can speak to animals. I was wondering what that thing with the horse was. By the way, this section should be the start of the book, or very near to it. pg 5: "J's not my servant, he’s like my brother and he happens to be a lord.” --ah, I thought A was referring to the horse... pg 6/7: infodump here. This could be conveyed a lot more smoothly. pg 8: There are a lot of missing commmas in here... pg 9: "does not have the ability to turn into humans" --humans, plural?
  14. Well, since we're starting already, can I also have a spot? Should have two more weeks to finish out the novella.