Mandamon

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Mandamon last won the day on February 26 2013

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About Mandamon

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    Complex and Unnecessary
  • Birthday May 26

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    North Carolina
  • Interests
    Practicing and Teaching Karate, Reading, Writing, Gaming, Tinkering
  1. Thanks @AviatrixAway! Good comments on the cultural changes. I have a few hints stuck in there, but I can certainly pull it out more. Well, that's two votes for it! Maybe N and A will need to go off on another adventure together... Heh--this is actually addressed in some of the other books, and I plan on having a full novella about it in the future. Cool. I can accentuate this as well, in the next editing pass.
  2. I think I need to start writing these down so I know how many slash fics to expect...
  3. This is a very good point. I'll have to take a look at this part again. There is definitely some more of this is the last section, so let me know what you think, and if it resolves as-is. Everything's about romance with you, isn't it? ;-) But seriously, I wrote this more as a "friend" thing since it is mid-grade. Are you picking up a more specific romance vibes at certain points? Not that it can't go that way, but I think if so, I need to make it bigger...
  4. Well, doing so made my stories more interesting already, so I'm sure it will help here too! Lol--sorry! I meant that you'd finally submitted to a pub for the first time, not that it was a first book!
  5. Welcome @shatteredsmooth! Another Ninestar writer--I assume @kais had something to do with this then? ;-) Looking forward to reading your submissions!
  6. Yeah...sorry about that...and thanks a bunch for all the edits! I'm going to start incorporating those today. Annnd...I guess since I'm in here, I'll put my name in for next week for the final section of Journey. I'll actually be on a cruise in Alaska (!) but I'll will do my darndest to get critiques submitted on time with probably terrible internet.
  7. Says the guy who just submitted his first work in December... ;-)
  8. That's the one! Thanks @Eagle of the Forest Path. I couldn't remember enough of the book to even google it.
  9. Thanks @AviatrixAway! Yep, this is something I really need to ramp up. I modeled this species on heavily dimorphic bird species, so I was going for the males to be very eye catching and stunning, whether you want to bring perceived beauty into it or not. I try to leave absolute terms of "beauty" in the eye of the reader, so to speak.
  10. I'm always in favor of giving the story how it is with no explanation. If it can't stand up on it's own, then it needs revision. I'd focus on M, rather than events. You can make a lack of plot interesting with a good character, but it's much harder vice-versa. Also, since you've already told us this is a villain origin story, your opening hook could be something like "I am a villain," or "You will hate me after you read this," or something along that vein so we are prepped for a tragic arc rather than a positive one. Showing us M's character after that, as a pleasant person, can make the reader feel smart about "oh, I know that she'll change." I'd clear it up at the beginning. Just a habit of speech. It certainly could be a chapter, but I think the beginning requires enough rewriting that's not a big question at the moment.
  11. Thanks @Jorville! No, it's good to mention this again. I'm noticing this a lot more as I go through feedback. I'll be fleshing out the descriptions a lot. Yeah--also need to flesh this out a bit... Let me know what you think of the last section, and whether it works. It is mid-grade, so I didn't want to get too technical Hm. Also need to amp this up, I see.
  12. Pacing is good here, and I think this is one of the most connected interludes so far. Sam has a much better intro, and makes it a lot easier to connect the clues. I think S is still believable. However, with this interlude, now I'm wondering about Sam's age. I assume a year or so older, since S doesn't recognize him or remember him being born. This means he's 15-16, which sort off strains S calling him "boy" rather than "young man" especially in comparison to a 5 year old girl. Notes while reading: pg 2: "or in this case, a boy" --Did anyone actually assume that yet? pg 2: "“You’re a boy. A boy can’t be an heir" --ok, now Sam does. Maybe an editing artifact? pg 3, first paragraph: This is a good explanation and starts to get to S's motivations. pg 3: "She’d probably already spoken to the guilders" --didn't we find out last chapter that there weren't any guilders in the city? Or is that WRS? pg 4: "I ran directly into the spirit house" --this is a small house, correct? Might be good to have a quick size tag. pg 4: "man almost my exact height, with the same loose black curls falling into his eyes" --yes, this connects a lot better now. pg 4: "Each tiny shingle " --yep, need a note on size above. pg 6: "as I tried to remember where I had met this man before" --this is coming across as sort of a disconnect now, since we just read the interlude. Was S beaten up so much that S doesn't remember the interlude? If so, then need to state that. --ok, S remembers a few paragraphs later, but it still reads a little weird. pg 8: "stirred another amorphous memory—so hazy I couldn’t quite pin it down." --is this coming into play later? I don't remember anything about it before. (Edit--we didn't get anything about this by the end of the chapter, but I think there was another reference to the smell, so now I'm confused about it.) pg 8: S's recognition reads well this time. I'm probably not a good test subject since I've read this so much, but the revelation seems surprising and inevitable to me. pg 9: "I couldn’t hear anything, except the faint sound of a chair scraping across the floor." --(With a priori knowledge) I like this setup better... pg 10: "But I wasn’t afraid, right? It was just a witch." --this again. I'm still not sure what to think. We've been shown that witches are dangerous, already. pg 11: "Missing a head seemed unnecessary. " --yeeesss...which makes me wonder why it's happening. pg 12: Good last sentence!
  13. Congrats on your first submission! Now get ready for all the red ink... Overall, I think the main character can be interesting, but the events in this chapter are not, particularly. This reads develops more into a romance as it goes along than a fantasy. Not that that is bad, but was not what I was expecting when I started out. Right now, I have no idea where it's headed. I don't really get any sense of the magic as yet. It's been mentioned, but there's no demonstration, or really anything past saying that there is magic. My biggest problem is: What is the hook that gets us into the story? Why do we care about this character? What exciting events are happening? We start out with getting a dress for a ball, where even in romance, you need to connect with the character first to care why she is going to the ball. Looks like you have an arc for this in mind with the villain story. What's the inciting incident that leads to that arc? Pg 1: The opening is not that captivating--just a woman walking along a street. What's the draw to make us care about her? pg 2: "She had come home from the ball her father had arranged for her to attend crying" --She'd come home crying from the ball... pg 3: There's been a lot of description so far, but not a lot to actively catch my interest. pg 3: "They had fought for a few moments" --this section has some...strange family dynamics... pg 4: "Back among her own tribe" --ok, so she's not native to this place. That might be good to bring out more earlier. pg 7: "She however was the daughter of the richest man in the entire city" --so she is a native then? Or did her father move from the tribe? Or was she raised in the tribe and came to this city recently? pg 7: "called out in a clear voice" --She's not winning any sympathetic points. pg 9: "Fetch it and we shall see if it meets my standards." --Not getting any more attached to M... pg 10, top: All this is a big tell about M. Can you show us this competency and skill instead?
  14. Welcome to Reading Excuses, @Dearius! Great to have you aboard. Try some critiques for a the next couple weeks to get a feel for things, and maybe that will help you get some more writing out there.
  15. Great! Let us know if you're planning on doing touring things as we get closer. My wife is going to put together some options, possibly with some group rates.