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TheSadDragon

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  1. A lot of things have already been said so I'll try to not repeat anything too much in detail. Chapter 1: I had a hard time getting into the flow of the narration for the first few lines. Partly i think this might be due to the disembodied voice of the narrator in the first chapter but I also think that the style of writing isn't what I normally read. I did managed to get into it quite well when I adopted the same narrator voice and rhythm that I employed when reading Hitchhikers Guide -- worked really well, even though the story isn't as whimsical. Some of the descriptions feel a bit redundant and didn't add anything to the story of 3-Mac. Overall I enjoyed the plot chapter 1. The only real problem i had when i was reading it was that I had a problem, at first, to identify if the voice belonged to 3-Mac or not. At first i thought it was 3-Mac that had 'awoken' but it turned out to be a voice speaking to him -- still unsure how they are communicating. After the realizing this I had no problem with who the voice belonged to. Chapter 2. This chapter didn't really grip me as much. In part I write this down to the fact that its a whole new set of characters and I prefer to get to know one set before I get introduced to more. The narration style change also did seem a bit strange as you went more limited style here rather than the omniscient of the first chapter. The description problem of chapter 1 still applies here, though here it's not so much that its redundant but just more blocks of description. I would have liked to see them more broken up by some dialogue or actions to make the text flow more. I have a tendency to gloss over big description/info dumps but if you weave them into a dialogue or something else you get the description as a bonus. I'm unsure what to think about the fact that Rain never got chosen as she seems like the main character. She seems like the main character and not having her chosen only strands her at home or lessens the selection. That said, it was unexpected and I do like it -- just not sure if it's going to end up feeling like she didn't get chosen simply because it would have been too 'cliché' or obvious. As long as you can avoid that I'll have nothing to complain about regarding that part of the plot I do like the world building, especially the run down nature of the factories in chapter 1 and the mystery of the machine capital in chapter 2. It created a nice opposition of ideas as the machine capital does sound shiny though we already know that the machine world can be more rust than chrome ^^ Overall: After reading both chapters, chapter 1 felt more like a prologue than a first chapter. Most of this is due to the style change and the change of characters and setting so that might be something to think about. Got plenty of potential so just keep at it and polish it once it's done -TSD
  2. Could you please elaborate what exactly about the story made you make this connection. -TSD
  3. Hello All, It's great to be back and started with the writing again. This is the first two chapters of my Steampunk-noir story. It's 5400 words (not counting the chapter titles). So if it's a bit on the long side, you can always skip chapter 2 (seems the two chapters grew with 500 words after I went through em again -- sorry about that). Looking forward to reading your feedback! -TSD
  4. Hello all, Just wanted to check if there's still room for next week? If so, put me down for a submission Good to be back! -TSD
  5. Hope you have a great stay in Japan. Should be cooling down to reasonable temperatures this time of year ^^
  6. Would just like to say that I'm back and starting with next weeks submissions I should be picking up the critiquing again -TSD
  7. Ok, I'll bite ^^ Before I start listing the various titles that caught my interest I should say that I almost never, if at all, buy a book due to it's title. In fact I am more likely to take a closer look at a book due to how the cover is designed. If it has nice cover art or a clean spine AND a intriguing title I am very likely to look closer at the book, reading the back of the book and such. That said, here are the titles that caught me eye. Trizee The Winter Wars Earth and Steel I would add "M" but that more or less caught my eye due to the Fritz Lang movie with the same name. Still a good name though. Stroniax Dylan Fell and the Day that Mornings End Age to Age, We Fall Beyond the Barrier of Mist That Which Lurks Beneath I would like to say that I have to agree with what the others have said regarding the naming pattern "Name and the X". I wouldn't say that it sounds like a YA book, though there are enough examples of that to make a case for it -- there are also plenty of examples of old 50's Stories using this pattern. For me personally the naming pattern brings with it some preconceptions that doesn't fit well with more serious types of Fantasy. Could still work great though! Would just like to add that I really like "Age to Age, We Fall". It is a great title. Silk Passage to Zero Fall Stars Fall False Positives The Ringing Horn Just plain good titles so don't really have anything to add here ^^; Guenhywvar Turmoil The Traveler The Silent Shadows Just want to add that "Equilibrium" is definitely one of those titles were I already have a clear reference in mind when I think -- thinking here of the movie with the same name. ^^; Disclaimer: I am more of an audio-book person and most of the book I have read in resent past have been by recommendation or because I have been intrigued by the series from another source, such as a movie adaptation or a game. As for my own titles: Short Stories Broken Circle A Flickering Light Rites Blade and Shadow Runeblade Series The Giant of Tyrel Swords of the Order Shadow of the Past The Blade of Shadows Steamtown Series A Missing Soul The Last Goodbye Of the none-short stories no project has yet to be finished. Current project I'm working on is "A Missing Soul". I have written 1 chapter of "The Giant of Tyral" in Swedish -- which is more than likely the first and last time I try writing something in Swedish. -The Sad Dragon
  8. Not sure if this is the one but its the only one I have found so far http://jimbutcher.livejournal.com/4053.html And with that it is time for me to sleep. nn all. -TSD
  9. Not sure I will be participating in NaNo as I'm planning to have the first draft of my book ready before November and maybe even having started revisions by then -- though there is a big NaNo group in Sweden apparently. If it helps though I could always try and get a revision done during the month or help any keeping the spirits up any way I can. Maybe work on a few smaller short stories instead of making one big 40k+ novel during the same time. -TSD
  10. Hello all, As you all might have seen I haven't been too active in the Reading Excuses group the last couple of weeks. The last few weeks have been one big roller-coaster. Between a major upgrade at work, running around half the town to get myself an apartment -- finally \o/ -- and preparing for my vacation there, sadly, hasn't been enough of my time to go around Vacation time is now here and if all goes well I should board my plane for Japan in ~20hours. Not sure how much I am going to be active with the community for the 3 weeks I'm over there -- though I do intend to write as much as I can while my friend is at work -- so if I seem to disappear from the forums over the next 3 weeks you know why. I will, however, try to be on the IRC when I can so feel free to drop in there and poke me if you want me to give feedback on something specific or just discuss some plot point. So to sum up: I am alive and still here, even if I might not get much feedback work done before I get back home from Japan -- but if I'm logged in to the chat you can always ask me things. Best Regards, TheSadDragon
  11. I found nothing wrong with those last few pages. I would even say that you weren't even close to any lines that may have been crossed. You are in the clear -TSD
  12. Ashamed to think it took me so long to get around to it. But here it is! My feedback for chapter 1&2. Chapter 1: Overview: I remember reading through the chapter the first time and feeling that it felt more like a prologue than a first chapter -- I think I might even have mentioned it to you on IRC. Part of this, I think, is due to the lack of conflict or mystery. I didnt feel like there was any real hook that grabbed me. We don't know much about Dalen or his motivations, only that he achieves his goal with appearant ease. I must say that the chapter did get a bit better on the second readin though, after having read the prologue as the prologue added another layer to it. Ganril and Lanath: I have to admit I would never have spotted them had you not pointed out the name changes -- in fact, I missed them both the first readthough. The fact that they are there makes the prologue seem more integrated in the plot, but at the same time there is also a disconnect between the the prologue and the first chapter. Why does Ganril remain hidden? It does introduce some mystery but at the same time you also make it seem like there has been a falling out between Ganril and Lanath. Now this could be a story all on it's own but at the same time we just read them swaring an bloodoath to take vengence on the emperor so the it makes it seem very odd. It does give chapter one some more depth, which is nice, but I think it still needs some clarification. Fight scenes: You seem to have a problem adding tention to the fight scenes. There was some tension when Celias stepped up and we see that he too is trained in Alkeri weapons. The tension don't last long however. Dalen is just way too good a figher for such tension to last. There is ways to make a really a fight with a really capable fighter interesting without relying on tension. Anticipation is often a better tool to emply then. The characters moment of triumph isn't about victory over a harder foe but rather it is when they stop 'holding back' and show what they are truly made of. It might not be the most logical fight in the history of fights, why would you hold back when you are taking a beating after all? Trust me though it works, and depending on setting there might actually be good reasons for hold back. There are of course other ways too but I felt like I should mention that the alternatives are there. Misc: I liked the characters -- more so after the re-read but I still liked them the first time through as well. I kept looking for any semblance of an antagonist though -- but I put that down to me trying to find a potential conflic rather than me thinking that the chapter needing an antagonist of any form ^^; Speaking of characters, I am wondering if the chapter might have gotten a bit deeper if it also had a POV section from Ganril. It might help clear things up a bit -- though for all I know that would ruin parts of the plot further ahead, but I felt like I should throw it out there. As it stands I still think it feels more like a prologue/into than a chapter 1, its a good story but it is also very selfcontained and doesn't seem to have anything directly to do with chapter 2. Speaking of chapter 2... Chapter 2: Overview: I really liked chapter 2. It had a strong start and I felt the whole chapter had was solid. I did think that it was a big all out siege going on at the start though so the guards leaning back against the wall took me a bit of guard. This might be due to the apparent urgency that at the beginning of the chapter with details like the Stimulus herb that Asmodemon mentioned. Other than that I can't recall any moments that took me out of the story or made me pause. Purifier: I liked this one a lot, and the cataloging of the herbs in particular. It was a small line but it really added a lot of flavour to me. From what I can gather part of the reason this role isn't seen as a worthy part seems to be the inherent compassion of the role -- it is hard to try and heal people if you don't care if they live or die after all. It would be an interesting conflict so see between the view of the society -- and its religion -- and the role of the purifier. I imagine its a role everyone wants to be filled, in case they ever have need of it, but has an inherent stigma to it. In a way it makes the role even more of a noble one. Religion Just felt I should point out some conflicting parts. You could argue that when Krath 'died' he didn't simply punish humanity for their sins he too showed compassion in giving them the gift of Krathsteeel. Even in death he showed compassion. Of course this isn't really a conflict as such but for a society that sees compassion as a weakness -- and as one of its core tenets no less -- it seems like a bit of an oversight. I mean someone must have thought something similar as I did in the history of the world. Misc Dalen's illness comes a bit out of the blue, adding to the prologue feel of the first chapter. A lot of things seem to have happened between chapter 1 and 2 if such a severe illness is now threatening Dalen's life. On page 19: This comes right after a long discussion about the dying soldier. Even though it's on a new line this line read like Aiden knew the dying soldier would find no place in the Halls rather than Aiden himself not having a place in the Halls when he dies. Ignoring the typo, the warmth is not seen but rather felt right? On Page 23: It almost felt like you had suddenly switch POV for about half a paragraph. Parts of this paragraph is how she feels about it and also, she had known him not he had known her. Sum up: I like what I have read and I like the setting. There are a few things that I got stuck on -- as seen above -- but nothing that would keep me from continuing with the novel. Less LoL and more writing -TSD
  13. Here comes some more feedback! \o/ Prologue I have to agree with Aminar in regards to it not feeling as a prologue. I think this is due to the pacing and characterisation that takes place during the prologue. It feels more like a chapter 1 than a prologue. A prologue is there to give the reader some idea about the setting/plot/etc. and if i read this one right I'm guessing it is there to set up the conflict between the two lords and the emperor. I am guessing that this plot is the main plot of the story but won't be touched upon for, at the very least, a few chapters -- alt. it might be a 'sub-plot' that ignites the real plot and runs parallel with it. If this is the case I would suggest trying to make the prologue more self-contained; ending the prologue with more of a focus on something coming to an end rather than something new beginning. Now, if it's a plot that will come back soon you might not need to worry so much about making it as 'self-contained', but I would still suggest making it a bit more 'self-contained'. Fight Scene While I agree with that has been said in regards to tension I have to disagree about the other parts, for while I didn't really feel that our two protagonists was in any danger the fight it self didn't bother me. I should probably point out that I am not that fond of strictly realistic fights, and while I don't want fights to brake any and all rules of physics, time and space I do put Rule-of-cool before realism -- I want to be entertained after all. You do have a good opportunity to introduce more about the Krathsteel blades here though, so you might be able to shift the focus of the fight away from the fight itself and more to introduce the blades. The Fire Here I had no problem following, though this might be because we have talked about how Krathsteel works. I felt that it was a nice touch, and I found the fact the twinblades blades still held the fire intriguing. Though if you want to clarify it some more you could easily tie it in with an explanation of Krathsteel -- perhaps divide it into two parts making it less of a info-dump. Explain how the fire surges through them from the blade when they draw it the first time and then go into the experience part when they fight -- perhaps even make the fight showcase the experience part rather than being a fight. Misc The relationship between Ganril and Relia felt odd. From his insistence that she would never come to the city, to her one line of dialogue to him. At that point I wasn't sure they had ever really loved each other, yet by the end Ganril swears to avenge her -- going up against the emperor to do so. All in all, I did like the prologue and I would have kept reading chapter one for sure. -TheSadDragon
  14. Hello all, Here is the first chapter of the novel I'm currently working on. The working title being "The Lady and The Fool" -- a title that is probably going to change as soon as I think of a better name XD I hope you all enjoy reading it, for I will enjoy reading the feedback -TSD
  15. Silk, You got spots left for next week? If so could you put me down as tentative? I should have a chapter done before submission date -- and if not you are free to track me down and punch me in the face XD -TSD
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