toomsta

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  1. Hey @Mandamon, just catching up before I move onto your more recent submission of part 3. I'm finding myself wading through a lot of names/terms, etc. Maybe I need to read the previous works to be up to speed? Regardless, I just let it wash over me, but I am finding it very dry. In my very humble opinion, I want to know more about the dynamics of the characters involved, their relationships, how they operate, motives etc. If it's going to be a mystery then I want to be invested in the mystery, which I assume is the murder? Right now the murder feels secondary to the Society. I'm on the fence I think on this one, though I am getting some "The Name of the Rose" vibes for some reason (just sub religion for science), which is a good thing.
  2. I had to switch to the AU store, but it was still cheap at $4au ... So you have another customer now!
  3. Hi @kais I think this is a better version of what you submitted the first time, so well done. I think it's just clearer. I will say that I zoned out a few times while reading. Maybe because its a tad wordy, maybe not that efficient in it's story telling, or maybe because I didn't sleep all that well and it's coffee time before work - who knows? I still do not buy the world peace thing, but perhaps I should pickup the previous books and read them? Can you link my lazy behind to where I could acquire them? I would like to try the first at least (I make no promise of finishing it, I am a bit ruthless about what I read). However ... this one line: "That was all over now, though, because peace" is perfect. The because statement is the Lord's gift to us all, and we must embrace it, because pineapples. Apologies for the short feedback, though honestly I don't think there's much more I can say on this piece that will help you. I'm hoping this coming week I can get back to reading everything and providing some more in depth feedback.
  4. Overall So the flashback chapter is just inserted as a once off? Hmmm ... I wonder how that will work in the flow of the whole novel? I think the second half of this is better (see notes below), though it's still not quite clicking for me. Perhaps if I get to read your edited previous chapters that might have changed. I think a we need something established a lot earlier to help build to this chapter and the assassin, so that this chapter feels more like a turning point (end of the beginning so to speak) rather than the first sign of tension/conflict in the story. Notes - Maybe if I knew Quirk better I would get it, but he seems too keen to investigate. Maybe there's more to it that is yet to come? - I'm going to reflect @kais here, I am not invested enough at this point. Granted the fixes you have made to previous chapters could have fixed that, but the through-line at this point from chapter one is non-existent. More drive, more momentum is needed. I think you've settled into the rhythm of the novel too quickly. - The whole interrogation feels very forced. Both M. and B. I think I see what you're doing, maybe, but it's not organic. I don't understand B., and to burst into the room and be so aggressive can be fine, but he doesn't pull it off. Especially since the Sheriff seemed more annoyed than outright enraged or aggressive. - The second half is much better, and I like that we're getting some action. Though, consider it's chapter 5 and we're only now getting to a potential hook. If we can clean up the through-line and get tension building from chapter 1, this can be the first turning point instead of the first bit of tension.
  5. Dang, I was away one week and now I feel like I've missed too much. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to read the backlog! After just one week!
  6. HI @Mandamon. Look, I'm really pressed for time this week, however you have been very gracious with feedback to my work and this is the first chance I've had to read yours. I read this waiting at lunch, away from my computer, so no detailed notes. Hopefully I have more time for the second submission this week. I am intrigued. Oddly, I have used a similar idea around the "music of the universe" in my own story, somewhat based on the theories of Stephen Hawkins. It always amazes me how ideas that you feel are your own, really aren't. One of the earliest reactions the narrator has to the murder is about his own prototype and the rate at which it would now be approved given the death. That came off a tad psychopathic, as does his general demeanour and attitude toward the death. It's rather emotionless. It doesn't help me relate to this character. If this who he is, he needs something else, perhaps playing to his cold reactions a little more would help. I'm also, like the others here, a bit iffy on the secret society and the consequences of being known. It would be good to get a better explanation of that.
  7. Hi @kais, I wanted to try and get a critique in for you since you have been so generous in replying to my work. I've had a crazy week, so I apologise that this may be a little light. Is this a story for yourself? Or are you shopping it around? Are you shopping around the full N- novels, or are they published already? Sorry, catching up a little here. Overall I"m still finding some of the mechanics of the story hard to fit together. Like trees being a precious commodity in a universe were space travel is a piece of cake (also the world peace thing too, even with the acknowledgement). However, your story has integrity, in that it doesn't contradict itself and remains consistent. So full credit where it is due. I like Y- a lot more in this second half, though from an emotional perspective I have nothing that ties me to the story. It's still a bunch of stuff that happens getting Y- from point A, to point B, and dangling the "secret" carrot. I assume from what you have said that this is the purpose of the story, so I can't complain, because that's what it does. I still think it needs an emotional hook, but that's up to you in the end. As I go: - iPads? - Would Y- know what a new paper book smelled like? - I will reflect @Robinski's note on Lego ... It is minifigure, or minifig (I too am a huge lego fan). I expect everyone, including completely made up characters in worlds that likely do not have or know of Lego, to use the correct term here - Oh you're describing the spaceport, finally, woo! - I don't especially like stories where a person does something illegal, and then finds someone who already knows what they did, has covered it up, etc, etc ... It's all just too damnation convenient.It's another version of plot armor in my humble opinion - though I will concede you do a decent job and making it fit within your universe, so, as you were. - Nice bit about world peace, though it's never explained, at least a character is like "What's up with that?" - Dangling secrets to a reader can be dangerous, especially when we can't just read the next part (I'm assuming this is a separate short story to the main story and won't have a follow on?)
  8. Yes it can be done. The Osiris Child actually had a new (if weird) twist on it. I’m sure there’s plenty left to juice out of it.
  9. Yeah it has a very X-Files feel to it, and Aliens, and Expanse ... and I even watched the Osiris child the other night and guess what? Genetically bred monsters used to clear out the local population of planets ... LOL
  10. Overall: I'm struggling to articulate what I think here, I think that means I'm on the fence. It's been a busy week for me, so that may be reflected in my feedback. I got the urge to skip-read early, maybe my patience was low and this was the wrong thing to read? See my notes, but I'm not sure I like where this is headed plot wise, it feels a little too familiar. E on the other hand started fresh, I dig her, but she doesn't feel complete, I'm not sure I got enough of her to make my mind up. Notes: - A note on what came before, when we leave Q&M in c3 the hook isn't strong enough to then go "9 days earlier" in c4 - just a thought, but I think you could lose readers at this point. - "assignation", I learnt a new word - "Blown" I believe is not the correct word for the act, it implies too much that Glenda is a man, and she is clearly not. Unless, she's of an unknown gender type, or something like that (I'm looking at @kais for no reason at all) - On Page 4, not sure what's going on ... Is that a problem? - "She felt that jerk in her stomach again. No, it was lower, her gut." technically the stomach is the gut ... Maybe in the pit or stomach? Maybe in her bowels? Maybe even in the rectum? We don't know ... - What's with the monster POV? - Is there a tone issue here? c1-3 is all about art, and elections, and slow drives in the country-side ... Now we're in deep sci-fi territory, almost reminiscent of Aliens, and yeah I'd echo @Mandamon that I see parallels to The Expanse. Maybe it wouldn't be an issue if I'd read previous stories. - I'd echo @kais on the power femme, lesbian thing. "Daddy issues" could be done, but doing it right would be the key. - I'd ditch the Jurrasic Park reference, we're starting to get into same same territory with some kind of genetically bred super-alien killing machines. I'm not saying this is bad, butv on the surface here and it looks too similar. - The ending is interesting, but I'm not sure it's enough. Especially since I didn't feel like E- had a complete introduction, and I don't know what she wants, or where she wanst to go.
  11. Yes, what do they call it? Grounding the work? Reducing abstraction? Either way, I seem to write like I'm in a hurry. Time to slow down and give people a chance to absorb it all. Thanks @Rogueshar, appreciated the feedback.
  12. Hey man, thanks for the feedback. I do sense your frustration. I'm not going to comment on the grammar issues, other than to say do you have messenger or something similar? I want to tap your brain, have a back and forth over some of the things you raise. I didn't want to pause and explain Skel, but I also get what you're saying. I think I just have to. And yes, the plural of Skel is Skel, that I believe is proper. Hmm... I just wanted a cool name for Apostate without religious undertones. MS Word made me do it. No seriously, the thing makes me capitalise everything. I need to stop and take charge when I think (know) it's wrong. Interesting, the opposite of everyone else. I might just need to reword. Her memory has purpose, but the feelings one should have associated with the memory are not taking hold. I don't want you to lose patience, and I think I am learning why. Will have to try again. That said, this is explained in chapter 3, though from what I can see that will change. I think I just need to be simpler, clearer. I'm cool man, be negative all you like. It might hurt for a minute, then I learn and move on. I don't think you're saying anything new that has not already been said (except for maybe 1 or 2 interesting angles). Appreciate it man. You are no doubt helping me improve!
  13. Yup! It leads me astray at the moment, some of the things you folks point out Word actually told me to do.
  14. Seriously I do proof read. It's like a disease, only once I hit the send button do I actually see missing words, etc. I seriously need to get better at it. Likewise! The Noir style is very much suited to a slower pace and a certain type of story telling because the stories are usually very simple, and instead work off shady morals and grey areas of interpretation. In those stories you expect introspection, and great detail, because without it, there's really nothing. It also helps to establish the moral compass of the world and its nature, even something as simple as paying for your meal tends to build on those things. Granted you aren't doing noir, but you could of gotten away with it if we knew where Q and M were headed and the context up front.
  15. No, be harsh, do not go soft, do not feel bad. One day I’ll submit something and you’ll all just say it’s good. I want to earn that and know that it’s real.