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      Oathbringer Spoiler Policy   11/13/2017

      Oathbringer is out! Let's make our policy on spoilers clear! 1. You must preface topics with Oathbringer spoilers with the prefix [OB] in the front 2. You are only allowed to post spoilers and spoiler topics in the Oathbringer Spoiler Board, Cosmere Theories, and some select work-related forums. 3. For posts in the Oathbringer Spoiler Board you do not need to use spoiler tags inside a topic marked [OB]. For Cosmere Theories, you also do not need to put spoiler tags inside your topic if the topic has [OB] in the title. However, for Cosmere Theories, if you are adding Oathbringer stuff to an old theory without the [OB] tag, those must go in spoiler tags and you must make it obvious outside the spoiler tag that the spoiler is regarding Oathbringer content. 4. For select things that do require talking about OB spoilers, in Events, Coppermind, and Arcanum forums, those are allowed but keep OB spoilers in spoiler tags 5. Avoid and minimize spoilers in topic titles--even though those two boards will not appear in the Recent Topics ticker, topic titles still appear in Recent Activity and the forum home.  6. You aren't allowed to post Oathbringer spoilers in places other than listed, even with spoiler tags.  It will be nine months and then the Oathbringer board will be re-merged with the Stormlight board and you will not need to tag these spoilers. If you'd like to move something in the Stormlight Archive board to the Oathbringer board, to update it with new Oathbringer information, Report the post and we will happily move it to the Oathbringer spoiler board. Part-by-part Reactions Though the Oathbringer Spoiler Board will be very spoilery, very fast (maybe don't come there until you've read the book, as people do have copies that bookstores sold early), you'll have these five topics for reactions if you want to nerd out: Part 1 Reactions
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21 Awakened Object

About toomsta

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  1. Hey man, thanks for the feedback. I do sense your frustration. I'm not going to comment on the grammar issues, other than to say do you have messenger or something similar? I want to tap your brain, have a back and forth over some of the things you raise. I didn't want to pause and explain Skel, but I also get what you're saying. I think I just have to. And yes, the plural of Skel is Skel, that I believe is proper. Hmm... I just wanted a cool name for Apostate without religious undertones. MS Word made me do it. No seriously, the thing makes me capitalise everything. I need to stop and take charge when I think (know) it's wrong. Interesting, the opposite of everyone else. I might just need to reword. Her memory has purpose, but the feelings one should have associated with the memory are not taking hold. I don't want you to lose patience, and I think I am learning why. Will have to try again. That said, this is explained in chapter 3, though from what I can see that will change. I think I just need to be simpler, clearer. I'm cool man, be negative all you like. It might hurt for a minute, then I learn and move on. I don't think you're saying anything new that has not already been said (except for maybe 1 or 2 interesting angles). Appreciate it man. You are no doubt helping me improve!
  2. Yup! It leads me astray at the moment, some of the things you folks point out Word actually told me to do.
  3. Seriously I do proof read. It's like a disease, only once I hit the send button do I actually see missing words, etc. I seriously need to get better at it. Likewise! The Noir style is very much suited to a slower pace and a certain type of story telling because the stories are usually very simple, and instead work off shady morals and grey areas of interpretation. In those stories you expect introspection, and great detail, because without it, there's really nothing. It also helps to establish the moral compass of the world and its nature, even something as simple as paying for your meal tends to build on those things. Granted you aren't doing noir, but you could of gotten away with it if we knew where Q and M were headed and the context up front.
  4. No, be harsh, do not go soft, do not feel bad. One day I’ll submit something and you’ll all just say it’s good. I want to earn that and know that it’s real.
  5. As a short story, and granted it's only half of one, it doesn't quite work for me. I have no investment in Y, nor do I understand any of the pressures on him, or why a new life in the stars is of interest to him. Thinking of my favourite short stories, they all build a very sharp emotional investment really quickly. Some notes: - Wordy first paragraph, not a bad hook though, could be punchier - "He’d left Poland because %^$# communism," because statements like this are my absolute favourite kind of statement. I use them on a daily basis. Did we just become friends? - cedar trees? Oh right, this is the crazy universe were trees are a precious commodity? What a universe! - Yes it's rough, I know you said that, but yeah, @Robinski appears to have covered that. As you were. - Character is talking to himself, out loud. I'm sorry, but this is a pet-peeve. They do it in movies because verbalising thoughts is awkward (I'm look at you Dune). - I got the impression Y was already a criminal? He's not? Would like some of his past, how he knows so much about tech, alien tech, etc. - Instant world peace? Like two-minute noodles? I don't buy that for a second. You know, that guy looked at me funny, but hey, I won't punch him because those Aliens gifted us world peace. This needs a very good explanation.
  6. Again, like the others, thanks you for the kind words. Agree on all points too. I think if I'm Simpler, character focused, and clearer, I'll fix all the issues you've raised. Thanks for taking the time
  7. Yeah, alright. Now that I think about it, Bal isn't a tree expert, so he doesn't need to notice all the various types of wood.
  8. Dang, double post - can you delete a post?
  9. Muscle soreness the morning after, perfectly fine. Three days later would mean it's not muscle soreness, it would mean you've actually done damage to ligaments, or pinched a nerve, or something similar.
  10. Wow, appreciate the very kind words. I see the mistake. Next submission will be a rewrite of chapter 2 more focused on the backstory for the girl, reducing the fight to a much simpler encounter. Yup, will simplify a lot I think in general in future edits. Spend more time on each point and drop as much as I can. I was hoping the conversation around the stones would show Bal's deductions, and his conclusion that he'd seen this once before in the past. I think if I take more time, and focus more on B- and his thoughts this might be clearer. Bal cast illusions, whereas I- makes you hallucinate. I'll spell that out I think. Have you read The Shaodw of What was Lost? The magic system is not too dissimilar to those books. There are casters, who can source energy from a mysterious void (to be explained as part of the story) and can use it like a traditional mage, energy bolts, etc, lighting (aka electricity). Then there's a higher order of mage, those with talents like illusion. I think I'm just overloading up front, so if I simplify and go through give as much time as I can for people to be comfortable with the complexity I hope I'll be alright. Yeah my fault, bloody MS Word keeps changing the words to have capitals, and I just run with it. Thank you again for the kind comment. I'm very glad you're interested. I think I'll leave chapter one, rewrite it way down the track when I'm fresh. I'll rewrite chapter 2 to be much more character focused and resubmit. I think it's important to establish I- properly before continuing with the story.
  11. Thanks @kais. You can probably tell I haven't been writing for all that long, really only two years, and in that time between work and family it's not that much. So getting this kind of feedback is awesome, I really do appreciate it. You've all be so up front about it, and accept my feedback in return, so I have really enjoyed my first few weeks here. I'm glad you found chapter one much stronger, really happy about that considering the feedback I got last time. I'm still not happy with it, I will clean it up and change/add a few things at a later time. I do hear you about chapter two. I started reading Iron Gold by Pierce Brown today, and instantly I can see how good he is at introducing a new POV character. I'm going to learn from that example and rewrite chapter two with a much greater character focus, spelling out who Ilse is. I think if you have more background on Ilse things will make more sense, though I should probably tone down some of the elements that turned you off. Hopefully you'll enjoy this place then. I want to keep going back to it. The concept is that the inn was built by foreign sailors, and they did it by bringing their own piece of home. Hence all the different woods. In terms of using the common wood names, what do you suggest I do? I'm all ears to the correct way to write this. Just chalk this up to some clumsy writing. Bladr is big, he equates fierce with big, he's impressed that the leatherwork can make a smaller person look fierce - that's all. I'll rewrite. Yeah, wow, had no idea that could be an allusion to rape. She was literally broken, as in broken bones. Will fix. You'll get a flashback to what happened about chapter 5. Hear you loud and clear. I'll give you her background so that when she does what she does here hopefully it makes sense and feels natural for her. She's meant to be fourteen, you've never seen a fourteen year old girl who has been trained from a young age fight? It's pretty shocking how good they can be. I'm really happy to hear chapter one worked mostly, so I think if I spend the time to make you more intimate with Ilse, it will make more sense. Though I suspect I'll have to tone some of it down. I'm hoping with the backstory I won't have to change this. But I can see my mistake. I was too focused on what happens and why, without caring enough about the character themselves.
  12. Overall There is a little sense of "meh" here, in terms of plotting and momentum. Coming off a slower chapter, most of chapter 3 is in that same mould. I agree with @kais, we need more background, info on the client, something that makes us feel the tension when they see the fire. So we get a sense of dread, building tension. It's still well written, and enjoyable, but I got the itch to start skipping parts to get to "the good stuff" Notes as I go: - No, delayed onset muscle soreness is not a thing - "Mephistophelian", there's those big words again - Some missing words here and there... "Less likely aggravate" has a missing "to" for example - If it was me, I'd edit out the mundane things like Q- paying for breakfast. IMHO an unnecessary sentence. Of course, this isn't me, so as you were and all that. (unless you agree) - describing the drive, what Q- see's, etc, with the backdrop of an election is great, but those elements, and the atmosphere created better play a part later on ... - M- sum's up my feelings on the drive nicely I think - heh ... VAG ... I'd rethink that one
  13. Carry on then good sir, carry on
  14. Welcome! Overall Look this needs a lot of work, but don't be discouraged. I can see the effort you have put in, and I can see what you're trying to do, it's just all in the execution. Something that you're only going to get good at if you keep trying. Just like the rest of us. I think the concept is fine, just fine, but work on the things folks have raised here, it's going to make it much better. Notes as I go: - There's some unnecessarily flowery language - don't worry I do the same thing. Like the very first sentence. Too many adjectives, and confusing ones, not ones that paint a vivid picture. I suggest reading your favourite authors in detail to see how they deal with such things. - "Lusty curves" ... no, don't do this... But don't worry too much, everyone chided me for making very bad fat jokes and being a tad racist. - So the narrator talks about himself in the third person? What the? - "Dude"? Language needs to suit the tone of the story, and this doesn't feel like the right tone for "Dude". That and modern language often doesn't work in this kind of fantasy setting. - The reveal they are playing D&D doesn't work. It's confusing in terms of voice, tone, and perspective. I suggest you commit 100% to the fantasy up front, then have a cut off point where it's clear we're in reality. Think the beginning of Toy Story 3. - I don't mind the banter between the friends, but it needs work, just a tad messy. Need some work on what's actually going on, who these people are, and what their relationship is, then the banter will feel much better. - If you're going to do science, genetics etc, you need to get it right - or establish that this is fantasy and you're making up the rules. Otherwise, I'd rethink the entire science angle.
  15. Sorry I missed this, but I wanted to read it before chapter 3. Sorry it's brief! Overall Yes, well done, onto chapter 3 now knowing what's happening. I agree with others, the middle sags. I think chapter 2 is still a place to keep things moving - don't slow down until you're comfortable the reader is hooked. As I go: - is "blingy" the word, or is it "Blinged", or "Blinged up", or "Baller" instead? ... Just "Blingy" doesn't sound right. - "filigreed"? Hmm ... Is that a tad pretentious? Maybe, it's meant to be... - Could Eighty interject a little more? So when both Q- and M- hold their hands up to quiet him, it has a little more impact? - "Phoneface" ... yeah, umm, your version of facetime needs work - I'll confess, for chapter 2, it's a little bit much where not much happens. Granted, different books have different styles, but for me personally, I want a little more momentum.