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Piestein

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  1. Hi. Before I begin, I must say that I havenùt done this in well... a year. So I may be a bit rusty and I may be wrong on more than one accounts. This is my advice and just to make things right, I read the story as soon as I got it and reread it during this post, ot be more objective. Also, sorry if I misspell - new keyboard (not qwerty). Now, to begin with, I noticed that people don't usually go sentence per sentence, but considering that this is your first line on the chapter... Well, it's not your hook, but I still think it's important. This isn't a bad first line - I can't say more than that, because I haven't read the previous chapters, so I don't know how this fits with the other part of the story. But at any rate, it works; however, take a second look at it. I don't write this reply to write the phrase instead of you, so I won't give a direct suggestion, but it begins kind of too slowly. I know that you want to begin slowly, but some parts of this sentence can be cut off and it will improve flow. In the same sentence and in this order, you introduce first off the horse, then the setting, then the destination and the speed. You want to say she allowed her horse to thunder across at breakneck speeds; but at the same time, you want to describe the setting and tell us how her horse is called (both of which you can do in the second sentence), so you breqk the real sentence - BLack Rose allowed Chase to thunder across the lone path at breakneck speeds - twice. Anyway, what you wrote works as well and technically, you don't have to stress it as much as I did since it's already chapter 12. But this was just my first impression. Concerning your narrative and your description in general, I believe you really try to tell us everything that you picture and this is a good thing. You can really get a clear image about the surroundings and in general, the ideas that go through the main character's mind. That being said, however, I suggest you try and cut out whatever doesn't bring us any new information - phrases like, "Anything was possible." If you just spent 4-5 lines to describe the surroundings or the possibilities for an attack, then just let the description speak for itself. You tell us that Black Rose can get killed by arrows, swords and magic - we already got it, she's exposed. And the reason why I'm stressing this is that if you actually then tell me, the reader, that anything is possible, then I get slightly annoyed, the I-got-it-already type of reaction, then I get the slight reaction when you see something redundant and because of all these emotions, instead of immersing myself in the book, I'm distancing myself. What I'm trying to say is that it's good, but it would be better if you either show us something (like in the scene - "From that place a Walker could rain devastation on the Passage of Elders with impunity, warriors could unleash arrows, let loose an avalanche of stones.") or tell us - "Anything was possible." Of course, in the majority of cases, showing is better than telling. That aside, there is something that's bothering me a bit through the story. Sometimes, your sentences end a bit too abruptly and sometimes, they are a bit too long. Like in this scene: "She let the arrow fly. It flew true. Another tribesman appeared at the barricade, jumping in front of the shot with a round, leather-bound, shield. The arrow dug into the shield, knocking the tribesmen into her target. " You have two brief sentences back-to-back - and brief sentences usually imply importance - that basically say that she let the arrow fly and it went in the air. The first time when I read "It flew true", I actually thought that it had hit the person it was aiming for. Then, I got confused when I read the next bit and I actually had to reread the scene in order to get whatùs going on. Now, I may have been a bit dense when reading, but you have to anticipate dense readers like me. WIth four sentences here you basically describe two ideas - the arrow was let loose and it was true (1), but somebody jumped in the way (2). You see that there is a disbalance between the number of sentences, their length and the ideas behind them. I'm using this scene as an example, but this is a recurrent issue - you don't really need to say that the arrow flew true, but then somebody jumped infront of the target. If somebody jumped in front of the target to save them, then it's obvious that it flew true. It's good that you picture all that in your head - all the events, one by one, happening one after another, because there are no holes in the narrative. But saying too much can actually have the opposite effect. Now, at a certain point in the narrative, you ask 5 inner questions one after another. In itself, this isn't bad and you don't have to cut those or do anything about them, but you can't have 5 questions one after another at the same time. I would suggest just transforming them into normal sentences that end with a fullstop. The fact that she is having doubts and asking herself questions doesn't mean that they must appear as questions in the narrative, too. Just transform some of the questions into normal sentences (not just putting a fullstop instead of a questionmark, of course). I say that much concerning your narrative because I really don't have anything to say about your dialogue. It's okay, but there's nothing more I can say - the chapter is description and narrative heavy. The dialogue doesn't need your immediate attention though - it works. Concerning your characters, you've done a good job with the main character in the chapter - Black Rose. You really get the feeling you're behind her back all the way through the chapter, so congratulations for that. I didn't get a lot concerning the outrider, but I imagine you described his appearance earlier in the book, so I can't say anything about him. Except, perhaps, keep in mind that in this chapter, he is kind of a grey figure - I don't really get to know a lot about him, not more than the fact that he follows orders and likes his men to be alive. I don't know if he's a main character in your book or not and maybe you've already taken the time to describe him better and to suggest what his character is like. If not, then I believe you should, since otherwise, in this scene, we have 1 character and lots of dolls (I don't even know how big is the avant-garde). Try, on a separate piece of paper, without it being included in the book, writing all you know about him - his past, his flaws, his good side. Create a whole character for him. Then, all you have to do will be to listen to what he has to say and do in each scene, because once you get to know him, you'll know what he's doing. My final and last remark would be about what happens in this chapter. I can see that it is somewhat of a transition chapter, but the way I see it, two distinct things happen here, without any relation between one and the other - on the one side, there is the invasion of the post and on the other - the Shifter. Both are needed obviously for the future development of the story. However, I suggest you tie them together in some way - it doesn't need to be complicated, just for example, you can make him attack when they conquer the post. The idea is that the two events get closer together temporally or physically - of course, if you want to, you can create a cause-effect relationship between the two, but that is not necessary. The reason why I'm suggesting that you get them closer is that at the moment, it's as if you have two chapters, but they are too short, so you just merged them. Anyway, all that said, I found the chapter promising. I'm interested to know what happens next and I think this is the best quality that a book needs - to make you want to turn the page. I hope my remarks have been hempful and I hope that they haven't been offensive. Again, they might be incorrect because I didn't read any of the previous chapters, but based on what I read, this is my honest, unprofessional opinion. Hope it's enough.
  2. Hi. I believe that I'm the newest addition around here, so I decided to introduce myself. I am not a native English speaker. I live in France, but I'm not French either. I mention this, because I don't write in my native language, at least not well and I did write decently in English - for my age at the time - but my English got polluted by my French (and I do mean polluted in my case) and my writing couldn't be a priority for two years, so I fell behind. Apparently, changing countries and starting a new life into a culture you don't understand at all and you're not even sure you like (I ended up liking it, but it took me some time), without having any friends whatsoever and with having to study for at least 50-70 hours a week can kill some of your hobbies. And yet, my writing did not die. That is actually the reason why I'm here now - I find it somewhat curious that out of all my habits - I used to play computer games a lot , I used to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, I used to play tennis at least 3 times a week, I used to write and I played cards a lot. But out of all the stuff I used to do, I only kept writing. Barely - I write now only 1-2 stories per month, they are short and they are worthless, but I still have the drive to write. I still think about stories, ideas pop into my head. Which merits exploring, in my eyes. Despite all that and all the changes in my character, I still write. I remember that the first time I felt good when I moved was after I had finished a short story (which was terrible, but I burned it afterward, forgot what it was about and just remember the good feeling now). The reason why I'm visiting this forum is to make a conscious effort to revive my writing a bit. I liked writing. I liked myself writing. So I don't see why I can't at least try to have pride of the stuff I write, by writing more, more frequently, less poorly and to review as much as I did back in the day Concerning my reading habits, I'm afraid I can't really answer the question. Not that I stopped - gladly, I started reading even more and now my only concern is that I'm a poor student, who just can't find the money to maintain a speed of 4 000 - 5 000 pages per month. But I read basically anything. I'm going with the last books I read instead - Orhan Pamuk's Snow, Christopher Hitchen's Arguably, Nabokov's Laughter in the Dark, Orwell's 1984 (in my home country, this is becoming a widespread book just now, so I hadn't read it back at home) and the 5th book of a Song of Ice and Fire. And Warbreaker. Edit: I also had to cut 1/3 of this post. Imagine the gravity of the situation...
  3. Well, I disagree strongly with most opinions here (although they have the right to such opinions). (By the way, side note - sorry for the necro post, I know this is an old thread, but there aren't that many new threads in this section of the forums.) First, I would suggest reading a book rather than reading the summaries. Honestly, summaries do no justice. The whole plot of the Wheel of Time has already been written (with remarkable similarities, there were rumours about a case against Jordan, I believe, but I don't know if that actually happened) and it was written Poorly in my opinion (after finishing the books, I didn't want to read for 4 months - not the best decision in my life, but it wasn't an unfounded one either). I am talking about the Belgariad. Now, some people can say that the Wheel of Time sucks too, and I can admit that some books are of lesser quality than others (the 6th, the 8th and the 10th, mostly), however, even to those people I can say - the previous series is at least ten times worse than the Wheel of Time. Honestly - it is bad. Really bad. (Of course, I realise that maybe people like that book. Them, I congratulate, because it takes a remarkable person to like something despite all of its ugliness.) What happens in the book is not the only important thing and I would dare to say that it isn't the most important thing either. So why read resumes? As to the other points. Now, I understand why you guys hate Martin. I almost wept for Ned Stark (I was 10 or 11 when I read the first book) and I certainly hated him during the 4th book. The fifth one is excellent, by the way - the writing is of very high quality, the pacing is excellent and more things happen in that book that in the 4th and the 3rd altogether. Also, as to the lack of genius - I actually prefer it. It is somewhat tiring to see Champions of Light all the time. However, you shouldn't look at it from the "good guys are stupid, bad guys are not so bad" point of view. The way the characters in the books work is, you have a character with his own drives, moral system and choices, he continues to be that person and then, suffers the consequences. Characters change, but they don't get saved just because they came back to the light side. Also, some bad guys remain bad guys. Spoiler example: Joffrey remains a little s**t. Finally, you have seriously not seen anything from the series if you stopped at the first book and didn't even finish it. I suggest you watch the series if you don't have the time for the books - although the books are more complete than the series, you do know already what will happen, so the books are kind of ruined for you - if you know who dies, then you can't appreciate the cliff hangers. Anyway, all of this is just my opinion. I guess I am somewhat biased, but just for the record, I would like to point out that I read A Dance of Dragons (the 5th book) a year and a half later than it came out, because I felt I wouldn't enjoy it. I was quickly convinced otherwise, once I started it. P.S. I think Ned died because the author wanted him dead. If he was to be on trial before the king/queen later on, he would be spared, because that was the idea - he confesses, doesn't get killed, the kingdom is not savagely torn apart by wars. That is also why his confession was a good idea. But tant pis, my dead friend, the author wanted to make a point about main characters - they are human and humans die. Such cases do not repeat further on, or if they do, they are a rare case.
  4. I actually registered just to post here. You have to read all of them. You really, really have to read all of them. Seriously. Read all of them. And not just for the general argument that says that if you want to read a story, you should start from the beginning. No resumes, no crem dung. You might throw all the info about tea and skirts, and so on in your mental garbage can, but you have to read them. I admit, sometimes the pacing is TERRIBLY slow and that is really why these books take time - I read the 2nd of the 12th book in 2 days, or 1 day and a half, or something like that, but it took me 2 months to suffer through the 6th. But you cannot skip them, because: - First, the author leaves crumbs during the nonsense and introduces small, mediocre or even important characters. This makes you appreciate better twists - despite being shocking, they remain logical. - Secondly, because fillers, although they are so very much overabused in the series, hold also some value. You get used to a character, you start sympathizing, you get comfortable around their narrative, or used to them at least - you get to appreciate their change better. If you steal a baby from a mother in page 1, you consider it as heinous a crime as heinous crimes usually get - which is to say, your reaction varies from, "Meh," to, "It's sad, but..." (I'd personally finish that last quotation with, "I'm hungry," but it sounds kind of mean, especially if you're not aware of the value I put in eating). If you've actually followed through at least a couple of months of life of the mother during the pregnancy, you tend to care more for the baby, because the baby becomes a person in your head - this will be her son and/or daughter (you never know), instead of just a baby. - Finally, and this is more specific to the Wheel of Time, you need time to remember all the names and the places. This world is vast. Seriously, it is big. Very big. And there are names, tons of them. If you read through the stories carefully, it's okay, because you've had around 10 000 pages to get to know the world. The cultures, the towns, the customs, the names, the names, the different Ajah, the history of the world and the names. If you read resumes, you'll have to stop reading constantly just to reread the resumes, since bulks of information just fall from the sky in those, making it useful, but... well, we don't read encyclopedias from the first to the last page, do we? Yes, I know one of you does. This is a very curious (in the positive sense) habit and I have nothing against it. But you confirm the truth in my statement.
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