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About Paracosmic_nomenclator

  • Birthday 04/01/1998

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  1. That's what I was thinking, but it still seems like it would require an insane amount of bendalloy or ettmetal. Also, if steel feruchemy works the way I think it does (increasing or decreasing the amount that one is affected by gravity), you could seriously hack orbital dynamics with a steelmind, basically removing the need for an engine. If it doesn't, then you could still make a really good engine with steelpushing.
  2. So, we have WOBs that Mistborn era 4 is going to be a space opera, with spaceships powered by allomancy. Though we still don't know exactly how scadrian tech (i.e. ettmetal and feruchemical medallions) work, I figured it would still be fun to speculate about how such ships could work. I can think of two main options (Warning, rocket science terminology ahead): 1. A cadmium-powered drifter ship. If you can get your ship on a course to another star (very possible with VASIMIR (or an allomantic steelpushing equivalent, which would be awesome (embedded parentheses, whee!)) or NERVA engine, along with a few good gravity assists from the Scadrian system's gas giants), then you should be able to use cadmium pulser (or ettmetal equivalent) to make the journey in an arbitrarily short amount of time. Since we've seen that cadmium pulsing works over large time-scales on the surface of a planet that is both rotating and orbiting. With that in mind, all one would need to do is create several concentric cadmium bubbles (off the top of my head, three), and you would experience the ship's thousand-year journey to another star as happening in a matter of weeks. So long as the entirety of the cadmium bubble is contained within the ship, it shouldn't knock the ship off course. 2. A bendalloy-powered faster-than-light ship. Since we say Wayne (and other sliders) able to walk normally within their bubbles, we can assume that the strength of a gravitational field is maintained within. With that in mind, a ship entirely contained within a bendalloy bubble (or bubbles) would orbit much faster (potentially faster than light). Such a ship could make a journey of arbitrary distance in an arbitrarily short amount of time to an outside observer. However, within the confines of the bendalloy bubble, the entire natural duration of the voyage would have to be experienced, with bendalloy kept burning the entire time. Even if you used advanced engines (like an Orion drive, or allomantic equivalent) to get your ship up to a reasonable percentage of lightspeed naturally, you'd still need a supply of bendalloy (or ettmetal) that would burn for several years in order to keep the ship moving at superluminal velocities the entire time. Since any passengers inside the ship would also have to experience the entire multi-year journey, you would also likely have a small portion of the ship slowed down via cadmium bubble. As long as the cadmium bubble was completely contained within the bendalloy bubbles, it shouldn't disrupt the FTL capabilities of the ship. So, yeah. Did that make sense? Do we think that allomancy would even work outside of the Scadrian system? Did I miss any better way of creating an interstellar ship? Let me know!
  3. I like this idea. I still want him to commit suicide after killing Deborah, but showing him dealing with growing depression in her absence would work well I think. Got it. Basically. R is a human brain which can control robot bodies, and "Approval" is his pleasure centers being directly stimulated. I can make this a little more clear. I think the story would be stronger if I did that. Thanks for the suggestion. Agreed, but I don't feel like there's space to make his character multi-dimensional. Also worth noting that people that evil really do exist in positions of power. Would "bodies" be clearer? Overall: in draft 2, I'll cut down or remove entirely the General scene, and add in a scene at the beginning which highlights D's character a bit more. Thank you for the feedback, and I'm glad you guys enjoyed it!
  4. This one's a bit long, and a bit late. Definitely a gore warning. All feedback is appreciated. I'm trying to get this one under 5k words, so if there are any parts you think could be cut, let me know. Thanks, ~PN
  5. I'd like to submit on Monday. Edit: just finished. It's at 5700 words. Is that okay, or should I try to pare it down a bit?
  6. As I go: -"In addition, most synergist" should be synergists -"Using his own complete control over the water in the vial," Don't understand this. Is this supposed to explain how he can form a focus through the water? Or is it supposed to be unexplained? Everything else about the magic system makes sense, and is well done, it's just this one part that's confusing me. -"Your cousin Haley asked..." You need a quotation mark in front of this. -"I’m sorry for the rough awakening, but I couldn’t wake you without it" this sentence feels slightly awkward to me due to the repition of 'wake' Maybe something like 'but it was the best I could manage' or 'but it was the only way' -"He noted, with a combination of satisfaction and horro" should be horror -"Anything reasonably jarring plane shift" shouldn't this be 'any reasonably jarring...' Overall: I really liked it. The magic systems are really interesting, and the moral dillema is well set-up. I feel like I'm missing a bit of requesite backstory, but I enjoyed both Venoriet and Rune and their interactions. I was a bit unclear on whether Tsaph's identity was subsumed by Destiny's, whether they merged, or whether Tsaph could just draw on Destiny's memories. I also dodn't quite understand why the Host was such a bad thing. I'll admit to skimming the action scenes, but I do that with almost all books, and yours are better than most. I really enjoyed the world and characters you've set up, and look forward to reading more about them.
  7. Another 2-part short story. I wrote this one a few months ago, and am having trouble getting it published. Any and all feedback is welcome. Thanks, ~PN
  8. If there's room, I too, would like to submit on Monday.
  9. Yup. Just like there's one that turns you invisible by making light not interact with you, this one makes gravity not interact with you, making you weightless. 'Cause, you know, magic! Thanks. Will fix. They had him test all the other blossoms before this one. The only way he could test more is if he waited years for more blossoms to be bred. The rationale is that in this society, most people in comas don't ever wake, so they're as good as dead. I could have made that more clear though; in the second draft, I'll add a line between T and E to this effect. Yeah, I can't claim to filly understand it myself. That said, I heavily based the T/Y relationship on one of my friends and their parents. Despite being physically abused routinely, they definitely still loved their parents, and viewed the abuse as just sort of 'something that happened,' like it wasn't even their parent who was doing it. Apparently, some of their siblings went a step farther, and viewed the beatings as their own fault; they often thought that they deserved it. I did some research, and found that neither of those two attitudes are uncommon in children who have been physically abused, especially from a young age. That said, for the rest of us who haven't been abused, these sorts of attitudes feel shocking and implausible. For that reason, I'm probably going to have Y be less forgiving in draft two. While I was talking to my friend about their parents, the concept that struck mex and inspired me to write this story was that a child abuser could still love their children; that they could be a good person despite repeatedly doing something so inexcusable. I'm having a hard time presenting that message without appearing to dismiss the horror of child abuse, but I want to find a way to. The idea really struck a chord with me, and I wanted to share it with others. Thank you all for your feedback. It's been immensely beneficial, and I look forward to expanding this into a novella with your critiques in mind. This community has been more helpful and supportive than I'd ever hoped. Thanks again, ~PN
  10. This was it. It's a short story which I submitted in two parts. E thinks T has changed because he grows more willing to suffer personal pain for the sake of others. T doesn't believe it until after he saves his daughter. Don't have a specific age, but around 8. Children that grow up in abusive relationships often develop surprisingky good analysis skills as a survival mechanism. Got it. Will change.
  11. About the title: I feel like you're trying to convey two things with it: the desert setting, and the loss and sacrifices that come with old age. With that in mind, I'm gonna throw out a few titles: Dusk over Dunes His Last Oasis The Wasteland of the Mind Sorrows in the Sands They're a bit generic, but hopefully one of them will either strike your fancy, or inspire you to come up with something better
  12. As I go: Pg. 5: "although she one of the few..." although she was one of the few... Pg. 5: "I could bare to speak to" I could bear to speak to... Pg. 11: "Closer to the plaza now the road was cobblestone" Not sure if 'now' is necessary. If it is, there should probably be a comma after it. Overall: Really good. I like how you're contrasting a nation and an individual struggling to maintain their self-identity in the face of external pressure. Compelling stuff. S is well characterized, and I'm empathizing with her struggles. Right now, my biggest concern is that although it makes sense for S to seek out both their mother and the queen, I worry that the means by which they'll be able to will feel contrived. There's an entire country looking for the queen. Why will S be the one to find her? Just to be clear, I'm not saying that your resolution will feel forced, just that it has the potential to. You've set up some very interesting dramatic questions, and its very easy to resolve those sorts of things with a deus ex machina. Finally, a bit of a personal request. You say that you aren't going to go back through too many of the early chapters. When you're done posting those, could you send me the rest of the story? I've gotten invested in these characters and this world, and I want to see how it all turns out! Thanks! ~PN
  13. Agreed. It basically happened because I realized that the story was getting too long, and needed to condense what was going to be several scenes into a few paragraphs. I could have explained this better. E truly believes that the blossoms are divine, and that testing them is vital. At the same time, though, he worries that the prisoners are not truly being offered a chance at redemption, and that he is in essence practicing human sacrifice, which he considers barbaric. His issue is less with the fact that the prisoners die, and more with the idea that he may be failing to offer them redemption. Nope, just seen it on TV shows. Yay! Thanks! Indeed... Very logical and well explored reasons... /sarcasm Thank you very much! I immensely appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it.
  14. As I go: pg. 1: Holy host of names, batman! While I appreciate the worldbuilding, I almost missed the main character's name in the throng of proper nouns. pg 4: "The majik, eludes me" remove the comma pg. 5: "That's love and, like..." should be either "That's love, and, like..." or "That's love, and like..." I don't quite get the ending. Why is L. T.'s master now? Has she been manipulating him? Are they going to intentionally blind T? Also, what do the words of Majik actually do? We know that they can let you read people's minds, anything else? Overall, this piece left me intrigued, but confused, like there I was missing some key element of the plot.
  15. Here's part 2. I'm unhappy with this story's current length. Do you think I should try and expand it to a novella (17500+ words), or condense it to a short story (7500- words)? It's currently sitting around 8700. Leave that and other feedback below. Thanks! Edit: Recap of pt. 1: Our POV character, Trebor, is imprisoned, convicted of beating his own daughter into a coma, and murdering a city guard. He does not deny these charges. The night before his execution, Trebor unwittingly consumes the blossoms of a tree with magical properties. It causes his skin to ignite, while simultaneously healing his burns. Trebor, along with two other prisoners, are taken to the Mnemos monastery, the location where these magic blossoms are grown. Their guide, the priest Esirta, reveals that these prisoners will be used to test the effects of new breeds of mnemosyne blossoms. At the monastery, Esirta shows Trebor a particular breed of tree, the soulblossom, the effects of which are unknown. Immediately after consuming the soulblossom, any person at all affected by mnemosynes dies. It is also revealed that those who sleep near the soulblossom experience strange dreams, and that blossoms on the tree point towards the nearest person. While Trebor and Esirta are there, a large number of the blossoms suddenly point at a focus in empty air, something which they have never done before. Bothered by this unusual behavior, Trebor and Esirta choose to leave.