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About Paracosmic_nomenclator

  • Birthday 04/01/1998

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  1. I'd like to post on the 24th, too.
  2. Lol, was going for a generic fantasy name. I called him a bishop because he controls the monastery. Though bishops usually control Cathedrals, it was the closest title I could find. That said, in retrospect, I think I shouldn't give him a title at all. Also, we know that E. Hates titles, and probably wouldn't tell people his true rank if it came with an ostentatious honorific. Nope. All the prisoners are required to pray. Indeed, but this section is from Treb'd POV, and he doesn't know that. Tried to show him feeling really guilty about it. Will say it about more clearly in draft 2. He technically didn't kill any children. His daughter is in a coma. Still, though... These sympathy slaps are intentional. I wanted the reader to start sympathizing with both POV characters before revealing their biggest guilts. I'm trying to put the reader in the same boat as the characters, where until the characters are forgiven, the reader feels slightly uncomfortable about supporting them.
  3. General Update: I've seen a few main concerns pop up for several people, and am addressing them thusly. Lack of Emotion: I've added some more audio/visual cues of how the 2 POV characters are feeling. I probably need more, but this sort of thing takes me several passes. Lack of burning flesh: Have edited it so that his flesh is now burning, blistering, bubbling, etc. but heals just as fast as it is damaged. Quotation and Capitalization: Fixed them all. Use of Centigrade: I did this because it was the least earth-centric heat measurement I could think of. Just a scale of 0-100 where 0 is water freezing and 100 is water boiling. Its why I specifically went for the word Centigrade instead of Celsius. Confusion about guards: There's one group of guards which was at the monastery, and is going back homr to the city. There's another group that came with the prisoners, to guard the prisoners. The former group leaves on the carraige the latter group came in Trebor's Daughter: Information is supposed to be sparse at this point, but not as sparse as people are finding it. The reader is supposed to know the following: Trebor was found by the city guard, next to the dead body of a guard, and the severely beaten and comatose body of his daughter. Though she is still in a coma, most think that the daughter won't wake, and that Trebor killed her and the guard. Trebor feels incredibly guilty about his daughter's state, and believes it to be his doing. Trebor feels no guilt about the guard's death.
  4. Definitely more. Part of the reason it was so terrifying is that it felt grounded. It wasn't like S was just magically incinerating him, she was using an imperfect, but incredibly effective alchemical substance, which, from the pigment scene, I imagine must have taken hours to create.
  5. Overall: Really liked this piece. Look forward to reading the rest of the story. S. is a compelling character and I'm very interested to see where this goes. The alchemy as described is really cool, and I look forward to seeing more of it. The hook of the Grandmaster of Witchcraft got me exactly as it was intended to. There were a few sentences I felt were awkward, but those are easily fixed. Overall, well done, Kais! As I go: -Really like the detailed look at alchemy -The phrase 'I was nobody's daughter' feels a bit akward to me. I feel like in modern society, the role of son or daughter is a passive one, whereas parenting is more active. IMO, 'She was no mother to me' sounds more natural, but I understand that it takes the agency away from S. Not sure if there's a good solution. Edit: I got fixated on the mother-child dynamic, and missed the transgender theme... the sentence is fine with that in mind... whoops... -You have a sentence, 'A woodcutter was not who I was, a daughter was not who I was, and the former hurt less than the latter, both made me want to pull at my skin and scream.' I would change it to '...and though the former hurt less...' -'The tears I was determined to not let fall streaked across my face, more evident now, likely, as they cut rivulets across my muddy cheeks.' This sentence feels a bit awkward. I had to read it twice. -The yellow powder... Wow... It's simultaneouly terrifying, believable, gruesome, and awesome. Well done. -You have as a sentence 'He was…he melting, although not really.' You probably want to go for '... melting' or '... he was melting' -Although I assume it's ultimately innacurate, S's realization of her future is very well done. -What does 'TWD' stand for. I'm assuming The Woodcutter's Daughter, but I wanted to make sure.
  6. Overall: Really appreciate the feedback. I'd like to clarify whether several things don't make sense, or were just communicated poorly. About the lack of emotion: I agree, but I don't know what to do about it. These characters don't know each other, and either in shock or pretty clinical. I suppose I can try and add more to the internal monologues. Specifically: Yup. Cell is damp. Yeah. He should probably be screaming in pain. I wanted to give him dialogue, though. Maybe I can relegate the later lines to the guard. As to burn injuries, I think it's mentioned in pt. 2, but this breed of germininus has 2 effects: it increases the heat of the medium, and it heals them. The healing effects lasts slightly longer, so they end up being fine by the end. Could be totally wrong here, but the idea is that they're the same species of tree, but different breeds. Think several types of apples, but one naturally warms the tree its on. This still might have no effect on the time the tree blooms, I'm not an expert by any means. I wrote large portions of this on my phone, and it automatically capitalizes. I caught several on my editing pass, and I appreciate you finding the rest.
  7. I wasn't sure whether to include the gore warning or not; there's a description of a guy experiencing pretty intense pain, but he turns out fine. Ultimately, I decided to err on the side of caution. I'm open to any and all criticism; don't worry about hurting my feelings, I just want to make this story as good as I can. Hope you guys like it!
  8. Hi! I've got a short story (the first fantasy I've ever written) finished and ready for review! Unfortunately, it's 8700 words, because my short stories are never actually short. May I submit Pt. 1 for Monday?
  9. Wow. I never even considered that. I don't think they would have organic gemhearts like the chasmfiends, as if they did, I'm sure the Alethi would farm them for them. However, I could see Ryshadium being able to drain stormlight to increase their speed, or whatever, and that fact being kept secret by the few Alethi who actually own Ryshadium.
  10. It seems unlikely to me that the sun is the spiritual realm. Just as the cognitive realm exists "beneath the surface" of the physical realm, one would expect the spiritual realm to behave similarly with respect to the cognitive realm, rather than having a single discrete location. Aa for the sun being the Beyond... Yeah, it probably is. I didn't remember that people were pulled toward the sun as they were taken to the Beyond. I seem to remember Lightsong being able to vaguely describe his brief time in the Beyond, and I'd want to go back and check that dialog. As for the whole, "The Cognitive Realm is a plane" thing, though it seems to be true, I can't really understand how it would work. As any map projection will show you, you can't press the surface of a globe flat without massively distorting at least some parts of it. Further a map has edges which are ultimately arbitrary; there will always be people how traverse the space that forms the edges of a given map. So how does that play into the cognitive realm? But I digress. The final question I have is why can't we see Sel in the Cognitive Realm. When Ruin was over Scadrial, his was visible from pretty much anywhere in the planet's Cognitive Realm, and presumably from the Cognitive Realms of neighboring planets, too. With that in mind, how could the combined investiture of two shards, concentrated fully in the Cognitive Realm, not stand out like a beacon from pretty much anywhere in the Cosmere? If I remember correctly, Elantris is set earliest in the Cosmere's timeline. Did Raoden somehow find a way to move the Dor into the spiritual realm in order to make the cognitive realm accessible? I don't know, but I think questions like this are ones worth considering.
  11. I'd recommend Warbreaker, followed by Stormlight Archive, then Elantris, then Arcanum Unbounded (the short story collection). However if you're savoring the books, or just read slowly, I'd reccomend saving Stormlight for last, as the third book is coming out in November, and you might be able to get it right after you finish the first two. Also, welcome to the shard! I just joined myself, and I've enjoyed it so far. I hope you do too!
  12. Spoilers for Elantris, Mistborn: Secret History, and Stormlight Archive ahead. The sun in shadesmar makes me suspicious. When Kelsier saw a sun in Scadrial's Cognitive Realm, I didn't think much of it. In SA, though, a much greater emphasis is placed on astronomical bodies (Roshar's three moons, other inhabited planets in the Rosharan system, the ten gas giants which represent the orders of the KR). So, the fact that the sun appears so similar in the Cognitive Realms of both Roshar and Scadrial got me thinking, what actually is the sun in the Cognitive Realm. We know from Mistborn: secret history and WOBs that uninhabited areas are smaller in the CR (Is that an acronym that's used? Whatever, I'm using it). Now I know that the Rosharan system is more active than most, but I'm pretty sure that there's nobody living on it's sun. Also, scadrial has a cognitive sun, too. Now while it's possible that every planet has its own sun in the CR because everyone has a concept of what the sun is, this seems unlikely to me. Given the relative proximity of planets in the CR, one would expect the cognitive suns of other planets to be visible from their neighbors. However, we never see any mention of stars or moons, even dim ones, in the CR. This means that the cognitive sun (in my opinion) is a single object visible from multiple planets in the CR. It's possible that this is actually a sun, based on everyone's idea of a sun, and shared across the cosmere. This, however, seems unlikely to me for one simple reason; it doesn't actually bear much resemblance to real suns. If this cognitive sun was truly based off a shared concept of the sun, one would expect it to be of average size, to give off more warmth, and to have a day/night cycle, none of which it does. So if it's not actually a sun, what is it? Sel. One of the few similarities between the CR of Roshar and Scadrial is that investiture glows in both. From Arcanum Unbounded, we know that the combined investiture of the Shards Devotion and Dominion is trapped within Sel's cognitive realm. With that much investiture, and the shortened distances of the CR, surely one would be able to see Sel glowing almost anywhere in the CR. So what if we have been seeing Sel in the CR this whole time, and we just haven't known that's what we were looking at. I really like the idea of Brandon having hid a whole planet in plain sight across multiple books. The biggest problem I have woth this theory is that, as presented thus far, the CR seems to be largely 2-dimensional. Based on the way characters talk about worldhopping, one gets the sense that if you walk in a straight line for long enough, you'll simply end up in another planet's CR. If that were the case, then the Sel's CR would be at the same level as Roshar and Scadrial, not above it as a sun. Then again, Ruin rises into the sky when he's freed from the Well of Ascension, so perhaps elevation in the CR is based on level of investiture, and Sel, full of the investiture of two shards, is thus raised into the sky appreciably. TL;DR The sun in shadesmar might be Sel.
  13. Yeah, I missed that when they were describing keteks in SA. I was just so excited by the concept of palindromic poems that I forgot the structure they were supposed to have. Whoops :/ Glad you guys liked it anyway. Edit: The reason I forgot the 5 segment rule is that it seemed very arbitrary to me when I read it. For example, in the following canonical keteks, "Above silence, / the illuminating storms / —dying storms— / illuminate the silence above." and "Alight, / winds approach / deadly approaching winds alight." there only seems to be 3 or 4 clear complete thoughts (I put slashes where I thought they were). Further, since there are no limits to the length of each segment/thought, one could argueably split my above ketek into 5 parts. That said, I appreciate that the in-universe keteks are noticeably shorter than the pseudo-ketek I made.
  14. There once was a Scadrian lass, Who knew crime statistics en masse. Cadmium she burned While from twinborn she learned, Now she proudly wears her badge of brass
  15. I would also add RAFO to this list. It took me a while to figure out what it meant, and I came up with several acronyms for it while I searched. My favorite was "Revealed At Future Opportunity."