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146 Cobalt Guard

About Truthweaver

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  • Birthday January 31

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    Reading, writing, drawing, bass-playing...and cats

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  1. @Mestiv He's actually not totally white--his face, ears and tail have darkened up quite a bit from when that pic was taken. But his hearing seems to be perfect, because I could open a container of cat food two floors away and he'll come running
  2. This is Moose Wazowski when he was a little kitten. He's a big, fluffy Birman now and will be 2 on St. Patrick's day! (He's also my profile picture). As a kid, I was very, very obsessed with cats and my life's goal was to have my own. Until two years ago this wasn't possible because the dog we currently had absolutely hated anything that moved on four legs. Now we have a new dog, a four-year-old cockapoo named Ruby who's pretty much my mom's dog. My dad also recently got a turtle named Jules and plans to get a second one and name it Verne.
  3. Great improvement! I liked this version much better than the previous one. It feels like there's a more logical sequence of events here. Things flow more smoothly. There's a few typos here and there but nothing I don't think you'll easily catch on a reread. Your writing is very engaging and I was absorbed by the story from the start. I'm liking the protagonist already; she feels like a young woman to me, maybe late teens or early twenties? Nothing jumped out at me here, so I think you should be confident in keeping this section as it is. It worked for me and was a good opening.
  4. Thanks for the information! I actually wasn't aware of what fridging was until I joined RE and saw your comments about it elsewhere. (Before submitting I literally thought, "Will kais call me out on this?") I'm thinking about changing the whole murder plot anyway, so I'll fix the near-fridging while I'm at it. Your comments were very useful! Thanks for taking the time to write them. I also love time-travel stories; one of my favorite books about this is 23 Minutes by Vivian Vande Velde. It's my goal to write a full-length novel and/or series about a time-travel society eventually. I have a few ideas, but I'm still in the process of fleshing them out. Anyway, thanks for reading!
  5. @Majestic Fox Thanks so much for your comments! You basically touched on everything I wasn't sure about--like the murder being too unexpected, the part where Will offers to get Lily back, etc. So I guess now I'm thinking about changing the murder part completely and reworking some other things to fit the story better. Thanks for confirming my suspicions about them. I get what you mean here. I struggle to write character emotion in a way that doesn't feel too melodramatic or on-the-nose, so then I go to the opposite side and end up using emotion too sparingly. I'm still searching for a good middle ground. Yeah, I will work on that. Getting character intention across in a subtle way is something I also struggle with. Ah you noticed that, did you? Yes, 'flicker' is one of my pet words. I'll watch out for it. Thank you That's always awesome to hear.
  6. That's a good point about the surprising part; I'll definitely think about what I could do there. It's a project for a short stories course and there was a restriction on the length, which is why it's as short as it is. I'm thinking about expanding the concept eventually. Yeah, I see what you mean here. I was trying to go for something casual, but I'll tweak it a bit and see what else I can come up with. Thanks for reading!
  7. I felt like this opening was much stronger. I also connected with the main character more and was happy to see that he has more of a personality here. The scene with the secretary had a nice tension to it and I liked the added conflict as M investigated. The magic system was described even better here and I didn't feel as lost as I did the first time. I agree with industrialistDragon over the better flow and the other points she mentioned. The society makes more sense now, and the reasons for it being hidden.
  8. This is a short story idea I came up with from playing around with the concept of time-travel. I wrote it over two days without outlining first, so it's still in the early draft stage, but hopefully it's a worthy first submission to Reading Excuses! Let me know about anything that's weird or doesn't make sense. This is the first time I've shown my work to people outside my friends and family circle (and they generally don't offer a lot of in-depth critiques) so pick away as you please. V for a brief mugging scene.
  9. If there's still room and it's not too late, I just finished a short story I'd like to sub if possible.
  10. This was excellent. The pacing was great, I didn't find that it lagged overmuch, and I was into it from the first page. And that reveal at the So good. It hit all the right emotional buttons. Nothing else to add except thanks for subbing! I enjoyed this immensely and will hold out hope that we'll see more of this world.
  11. I had a good joke about fog once, but I forgot to tell it. I guess you could say it was a mist opportunity.
  12. Yay, it's my birthday! I'm old enough to rent a car today.
  13. I liked this, especially the magic system. It made sense, wasn't too confusing, and I liked seeing it in "action" as the character was using it. I wasn't too lost as I read, thought I kept wondering what a System Beast was, and what the prototype was for, and more about the purpose of the character's meeting with the Speaker. Is the place where M is meeting with the Speaker very busy; could someone tell a conversation was happening? Just wondering, since someone might be suspicious of the silence coming from the room when the Speaker was supposed to be in a meeting. This could add conflict to M's investigation, though I liked being taken through his uninterrupted use of the magic system. Maybe I'm just used to slower beginnings, but I don't really mind them. As for M, I like his voice, and I also enjoyed the writing style. Very smooth and easy to read, nothing tripped me up except for page nine: "...could still direct me to where the list had been and, to some extent, where it had been." Maybe add more description for the races, I had a hard time picturing what some where supposed to look like.
  14. When you're rehearsing with your church's worship team and the director calls out "Go to bridge four!" and you barely stop yourself from cheering.
  15. This is my first critique here, so it won't be as in depth as the others, but I'll try my best I actually enjoyed the prologue a bit more than the main story, mostly because U had a goal and I wondered if she would end up completing it. When we get to A-'s part, you gave me a good sense of her as a character, but I didn't get if she had any goals, or anything to work toward, other than the marriage problem that she dismisses quickly. What is she trying to do? A character trying to complete a goal=conflict, and conflict=reader interest. Try bringing up potential problems earlier in the chapter, whether it's A- trying to protect the sheep from a predator or something else. A character in action or facing a problem can help ground their personality and viewpoint, and also lets readers sympathize with them. I like your descriptions, and they helped cement me into the setting. It did seem a bit overdone in some spots but I personally feel overcompensating on description is better than undercompensating. It can be easily fixed. I find it helpful to add description according to what the character themselves notice. Is something out of place, or does something look particularly beautiful? Have them comment on that and remark why it's unusual. The writing felt a bit choppy to me in some spots, and there were run-on sentences in others. As another poster mentioned above, reading your work aloud can definitely help with this. Overall, the main thing I'd like to see more character motivation in the beginning and a hint of something for A to work toward. It can be a lot of fun dreaming up potential problems for characters! Thanks for submitting and good luck with your writing