Rogueshar

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  1. I really enjoyed this, I got really caught up with A and T (in fact I really want to know what T needed from A). I really liked the voice, it stayed the same throughout the chapter, I got the impression she was a younger person, likely over the age of 18, maybe somewhere in her early twenties. I didn't feel lost while reading your opening chapter, I felt it dropped a reader off at an important moment that made me want to continue reading. Thoughts while reading: I thought you had a good use of foreshadowing in the third paragraph on the first page I am confused as to why the time traveling agency would have her sit in this one particular spot? Do they know something might happen there, do they randomly send agents to random locations in case something happens? Why do the general populace know about the agency? Usually that's something that is kept secret. I like this twist but I think an eventual expelenation of why its not a secret might be necessary (I'm not sure if that's something to be explained in a first chapter or in later) How could the agency help with blackmail? A does seem a bit rude the way that she ignores T when T asks for help. What about the father and daughter makes them more interesting to A then the woman before her asking for help? I am interested to learn about what agency prioitizes and what or whom decides priorities. Pain needed to time travel is an interesting concept- I'm intrigued I really enjoyed this. I'm excited to see where it goes and what happens to A.
  2. I was suspicious from the moment I heard Azure, but as soon as we saw her I was 99% sure it was Vivenna. The color metaphors just made it 100%.
  3. Look, I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of why for so long in western culture homosexuality was not tolerated. And Ancient Greece is really not the best example of a tolerant society towards homosexuality as they really only approved it between "youths" and older men so it's a bit squicky to me. But the main reason in western societies that homosexuality wasn't tolerated was because of religion. So if the Vorin church doesn't have a problem with homosexuality then I would doubt that the rest of the Alethi society would have an issue with it. And I for one would greatly enjoy that. This is a fantasy world, it doesn't have to be modern to have modern ideas. Not every fantasy world needs to be riddled with racism, sexism, or homophobia just because they're not "modern," some of us would like it very much if we weren't condemned in by every fantasy religion just because homosexuality was condemned during parts of the middle ages.
  4. Personally Adolin is one of my favorite characters in Stormlight, has been since I read the first book two years ago. I liked him because I could relate to him. I love Kaladin, anther favorite character of mine, but I've never gone through depression like he has. I've never gone through whatever screwed up stuff Shallan has gone through. I'm not a wisened parent with lots of responsibility like Dalinar. I'm certainly not a piece of a god like Syl. I'm a young person who tries to see the best in situations and believe the best in people and I saw a lot of that in Adolin. I too haven't had a lot of luck with relationships, and can be hot headed, and I'm fiercely protective of my younger sibling who also does not fit into societal norms. So I guess for me, I saw myself in Adolin. He didn't have the dark tragic pasts like our heroes did, he wasn't having to act wise beyond his years, or dark and broody. He was somebody in this very strange world that I could relate to and not feel lost trying to understand the complexity of his character. I don't mind that we won't get to see his backstory or that he may or may not become a radient, I just want him to remain optomistic and kind and someone that I can relate to.
  5. Okay let me see if I can answer some of the questions, others will likely get cleared in later chapters. She never suddenly had magic powers she's been talking to the animals and they've been communicating back for the first two chapters. You're right I haven't explained that one well enough. Maybe the talking about them for generations is a bit of an exageration. She knew that they were interested in her family that was in the part one part of chapter two. At that time she assumed it was about her brother who is fighting. Yeah I didn't explain that well enough either. That's something that will be explained later. Her mother did notice, she came out of the house as they were talking Arwenna away. Her father is on the other end of the farm. Its a large farm like acres and acres big. He doesn't know. Arwenna is an adult. She is 18 and I'm not sure if the rest of your question asking me why she is being kidnapped, which was explained, or why we should care about J and D which you're not right now the reader doesn't know them. She spoke to the horse when she was demonstrating one of her powers. She also then tried to influence the horse during the time jump which failed. She can't control animals, just try to influence what they will do, the more an animal likes her or trusts her the more she is able to influence them. So D's horse, and J's horse as well as the horse she is riding don't trust her, they know J and D, J and D have been riding them for years. Therefore she is not able to influence them because they are loyal to J and D. I will attempt to explain this better in the next draft. This will be explained later. A thinks he is murderous because he started the rebellion. She gets angry at him in the first chapter when her parents are discussing whether or not her brother is alive. She doesn't know his name so she just refers to him as the prince. Because that's his personality. D is a bit of the act first think later, rushing in, kind of person. Will be explained later. The Great Dragon is real, D and J know he is real, dragons are not folklore. The purple dragon is the only one who is considered folklore, not because she is a dragon, but because of the fact of whether she's settled in the area or not. But dragons aren't folklore in this world, and the Great Dragon is not what's being referenced when D's says a "fool's errand." I will try to explain that dragons are not folklore better in future drafts. The Vale is very isolated, they likely wouldn't even know there was a war had the king's soldiers not come recruiting six months ago. I attempted to portray this in my descriptions of the Vale, but I will make sure that is conveyed better as well. I talked about this as well in chapter one, the prince is in rebellion against the king- A assumes it is because he does not want to wait until 21 to assume the throne. They didn't need them, no one in the Vale knows what D looks like on sight- again very isolated. There is one person in the area who might have been able to recognize them, they did not see them nor would D or J know that they could recognize them. There original plan hadn't exactly been to kidnap A- they wanted her to come of her own free will. She refused and so D got impatient and just grabbed her. The Vale is isolated, they might know that the prince has red hair they might not. To most people the war isn't anything of their business its an Outsider thing and they want no part in it. I hope I was able to clear some things up. This was a great help in realizing what I need to explain better.
  6. As a writer, I think its really easy to forget that the reader doesn't know everything you know about your character. My mom used to tell me that I was giving her too much frosting but no cake about a character when she would read my writing. Its takes practice and patienc and lots of rewriting.
  7. Overall I'm interested in what happens next though I'm not sure of the motivations of the main character and what is driving them to do what they do. I like the description at the beginning of the ships coming in, it had a very ominous feel to it. Questions while reading: -why doesn't the narrator run into the fortress like everyone else if they've been trained from childhood to do so? Is it merely because of an article in a magazine they read? I'm a bit confused by that. -Okay so the narrator grew up on the warf but they knows a lot about how much damage a ship can do to a fort? I'm confused as to where they gets his information from, this sounds like it should be something you would learn through experience not through reading a magazine (book?) -I'm not sure what the narrator's motivation is to giving the pirates all the information? Do they not like the villagers, do they believe its hopeless to fight back? I'm unsure why the narrator is doing what they're doing right now. -Does the narrator not like their home? They seem desperate to leave.
  8. It is the end of the chapter. I'm not happy about the info dumping either, originally the backhalf (entering the forest and after) were going to be chapter three and it was going to be explained throughout the third chapter but I had a hard time writing a whole chapter of them traveling through the forest. I wasn't happy with anything I was writing so I scrapped it and pushed it onto the back half of chapter two.
  9. Midterms are done so I'm back. I included a bit of part one for context since its been a month since I submitted. No warnings here. If you could, could you please focus a bit on substance and not so much on grammar, I'm in some of my first drafts so I haven't really focused on grammar mistakes. Thanks for reading.
  10. I agree. Honestly I wasn't the biggest fan of Shallan/Kaladin I would have been fine with it had it become cannon but I preferred Shallan/Adolin (or all three of them). But I really don't like love triangles and I would be really disappointed if this carried out into the future. I get it that some people are disappointed with what ship became cannon, I have had plenty of ships that haven't become cannon. That's what makes fandom great, you can I say I reject this reality and substitute it with my own But at the end of the day no more love triangle, please, please no more love triangle.
  11. Thanks for that. Too many WoB on Acranum about Hoid.
  12. Hoid doesn't always know why he has to be somewhere when he does he just gets drawn to it. I believe there is a WOB on this and when I find it I will edit it into this post. I don't think Hoid actively sought out the Cryptic but he also wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
  13. Sell. From now on all gunfights in Scadrial have to be know as a shooty-shooty.
  14. I thought Silverlight was a place not an organization, is it both? I knew about 17th Shard, but I'm not as familiar with the Ire. That was in Secret History wasn't it?
  15. That's true too. Miraze would likely want as many eyes and ears on the Kohlins as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a Ghostblood. Quick question are there any other worldhopping secret societies that we are aware of besides the Ghostbloods?