Zay Wolfe

I agree 100%.

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! And yeah, I'm totally aware of the gender unbalance, and I've got plans to fix it. In its current state though, I got a really neat character coming that I'm trying hard to buck typical gender tropes with. She's going to be a kickass female character that doesn't just exist to be a love interest or to build up our main dude R. If you can stick around until she enters the story, I'd love help with any points you have with her character. It's going to be tough doing it from the perspective of a hormone crazy teenage boy, and I know it.

I think I'm going to skip this week and just spend time catching up on everyone's submissions.

Again I'm sorry for my business. Home hunting and moving has been consuming most of my time along with my 3 boys. It's been difficult to find something in our price range that's still livable. Things should settle down by the end of this next month when we can finally move. @Mandamon I definitely need to go back over some of the dialogue, particularly A's. I think it's because his dialogue is so important to the plot, especially in the longer sections, and I've condensed it too much. "--But A's treated him before, right? I didn't get a feeling of their relationship changing last chapter, but maybe I missed something." I think this is because I spent too much time in the first chapter doing exposition that I failed to show the characters before the main events happen. It's clear to me the writer, but it's not framed right in the story. Really, the previous chapter is the first time you see them really interact, so that's a mistake on my part. I think just fixing the 1st chapter and showing their relationship before the inciting incident will fix a majority of issues. "--Pine trees will grow just about anywhere, and like acidic soil. " I don't really feel like that's fair. While they like mildly acidic soil of 5.5ph, if the whole continent is bare of plant life it should suggest itself that the ph has fallen much lower than that. Maybe to the typical 3.5-4ph buffer zone. The idea was that excessive acid rain has stripped the soil of alkali to a disastrous level. But, I don't think R actually knows much about how the process happened, so I think it's out of character of him to start disusing the complex issue of soil acidification and its effects. If it's confusing maybe I can pull back on the destruction and make pine trees one of the few surviving plant life. @Robinski - "I found some nice hydroponic ones at the store. I can definitely see what your saying. They get most of the shopping done off island by crossing bridges to the mainland, maybe I can work this into the story earlier. "- There's a lot of talk about foreign this and that. I'm trying to decide how it sits." I agree, but I couldn't really think of a better word. I tried to word it as "foreign sounding" to not outright say it's foreign, but it's probably too little. If you have a better way of wording it, I would love suggestions. Mostly, I wanted to hang a lantern on his use of his parent's language to better show the positive change in his character without just telling it. If you have any suggestions here at all please don't hold back. "- Hmm. I'm not sure what the LotR reference brings to the story. I doesn't seem to serve any purpose. I don't get it." I think I was trying to show how R desires to see nature. It helps later on to explain some of his choices. But maybe it is out of place. Do you think there's a better way to work it in? I'm sorry if I can't reply to every point. All feedback is going to be used. I'm actually linking to these threads right in the chapters so when I do the next revision I can come back and re-read all this. I really appreciate all the work you're doing for the story.

I appreciate that! I haven't made any significant changes yet, I'm still focused on just finishing the stories but linking to the feedback here to each scene. That way when I finish the book I can go back and re-read all this with a fresh perspective. I've been a bit busy lately so I may be late replying. But even if it takes a while, I'm totally thankful for your interest in helping me beat this story into shape

Content Warning: Language Believe it or not, there's no gore or violence in this submission, just language. Feels weird lol I hope you guys like it. I don't specifically have something I'm worried about this time. Just hoping it flows well and is enjoyable. Thanks a lot Zaya Previously: Ronen is a scavenger of thrown away electronics and lives on Trash Island. He found a mysterious trunk that was taken from him by Toad and Wart. They got into a fight and they hurt his leg pretty bad. [Also] Sorry about the botched subject line. It's the result of hours of revision and submitting at 2am X(

If there's room left, I have a chapter ready.

That makes a lot of sense now. I think what happened is when I cut stuff I might of condensed it too much and stuck too much to the facts. Maybe it could use less facts and more experience. Thanks that helps a lot. And thanks for the words on criticism; I'm not really used to getting it. I watched Sanderson's writing lectures and that's helped me prepare, but it's still unnerving for me. But, it's a been a real cool experience, overall.

@RobinskiHmmm... you've given me a lot to think about. The thing is, is that the scene is pretty important for Adham's character arc in the later chapters. Though the action is definitely an important part of the story, the story I enjoy most is the development of the characters and their internal changes. If I may, can I explain some of the things I was trying to accomplish and get some feedback on how I could do it better? I don't want to defend myself, I just want to prod for some more of that tasty feedback 1: I put the background story in for two reasons. (a) To show A.'s starting point in the story mentally. He's broken through a hard life and bad experiences leading up to this point and has a need for companionship and offloading of his baggage. And (b), I was worried that I might upset Muslim readers if I have a Muslim alcoholic without clearly showing the reasons for him drinking. Do you think it can be condensed without breaking (a) and (b)? 2: I was hoping to actually deflate some of the tension with this scene. So I can lead up to the tension picking back up later which is a big, highly tense 2-3 scenes. Do you think I did it too much? Believe it or not, but I actually cut out like 500 words from the A.'s story haha. Maybe I'm just getting jittery after already cutting so much. And I'd be honoured if you line edited the final piece. I definitely want to try to shop this around since I really like the premise. If I can get the story beaten into shape the premise alone will be worth it. BTW I'm working on your story. I had trouble opening the docx file and I just found a way to convert it to PDF so I can read it. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and install Office through wine. @Mandamon I see what you're getting at. Maybe if I just focus on R.'s reactions without showing the gruesome details it'll pack more of a punch. Kinda like how horror movies show the reaction to the monster instead of the monster for a better effect.

@Robinski Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I'm finding I have almost no time lately, and the little time I get I use to write. This feedback is really golden by the way. And thanks for the heads up on Wort's Wart's name. I remember questioning the right spelling as I was writing it but I was on a run and then forgot to google it. And you pegged it that T&W aren't the big baddies, but I also don't want people to get too connected with them if you get my drift.

@Mandamon Thanks for the comments and the list of lines that didn't click. Though I'm kind of partial to the "dragging the face" joke. It's because he's "got too little wit and too big a mouth", causing an imbalance of weight and making him drag his face on the ground. Idk haha. Maybe it seemed more obvious in the moment. Perhaps I can set it up more clearly. "All the way down. Hurry now, I'm hungry." --Good catch. Taken out of context I can definitely see a problem here. I originally had more describing his reactions and the act of the stitching, but I was worried it would be too tough to read and cut it. I remember one experience I had in school where a student was doing a presentation on a simple and pretty innocent procedure to fix carpel tunnel syndrome. The descriptions made a girl in the class collapse and fall on the floor, hitting her head pretty bad in the process. Because of that I guess I'm a bit gun shy with gore. So serious question, how much more descriptive do you think it I should take it without going too far? What kind of reactions from R. did you expect to see but didn't find?

Content Warning: Violence, Language, Alcohol, and Gore Alright guys here it is. I honestly hope you like it. I spent all week editing to get it ready and I can honestly say I no longer can tell if it's good or not lol. I'm concerned about some of the phrasing I use and if you have any suggestions for alternative ways to word things I'd greatly appreciate it. It takes a momentary dark turn here and one of the scenes in particular has been the toughest that I've ever written. After last week's feedback, I tried to take it all and apply it to this next chapter. I hope it shows. Thanks again Zaya

I can submit again if there's room. This next chapter has been a pain and one scene in particular I've been editing non-stop the whole week

Thanks for the vote of confidence. But I should warn you that this is very different from my other writing. It definitely has too much exposition and I've got some ideas to fix it. But if you can get through it, I hope you can enjoy yourself. Although, I should be apologizing myself; I've been looking forward to read your work since I've come back. It turns out that buying a first house is a crazy and stressful process. Likewise I hope to give you my comments today or tomorrow I'm surprised you remember me. Likewise, I remember your comments and wanted to thank you for the encouragement you showed me!

@ICanDream, @Mandamon, @Asmodemon I wanted to say sorry it took so long to reply. Seems like whenever I put my mind to something life gets busy. Thank you so much for your input, I'll take everything you all said into account. It's simultaneously what I feared most and what I hoped haha. I think deep down I knew it was way too much exposition (it's just so damnation fun to write), and I'm really thankful that you powered through it and enjoyed the story afterwards. Thanks for giving me the kick I needed to start cutting. I think I'll start with the character and have some action while working in bits and pieces about the setting. @Asmodemon, you're absolutely on point about the character only being introduced on the 3rd page. Now that you mention it, it's completely obvious that I have a problem. I guess I was too close to even notice. I got it in my head that I might be able to break the rules and do exposition strongly in the character's voice, but like @ICanDream said, an infodump is still an infodump.