kaisa

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327 Stormwarden

About kaisa

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  1. Lounge

    Who has two thumbs and is getting reviews? This person!
  2. Overall I agree with @Wisps of Aether in that there is a lot told, instead of shown. If you pulled out those elements and expanded this story, it would make for a very interesting novella. I see that @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon also hit on the Destiny name. As always, your fight scenes are well blocked and straightforward. The very heavy exposition dialogue and similar elements could be cleaned, but there is certainly an interesting story here. As I go - if you start with a cold open with the word beautiful, you'll want to back that up with imagery - That was what the driver had missed. Huh? Is this part of the 'beauty' thing? I'm still trying to find what she finds so beautiful about a city that has been described generically - page three: Corromast, eh? We are in world. Check. - page six: 'Riddle me this' throws me out of the narrative, and into a Batman movie with Jim Carey - Not a fan of 'Destinare' as a name - there has been a fair amount of telling instead of showing, but I think it really hits around page ten. I would like more shown in the blue light business of Destiny personified, here, and more of his mental workings, since we are in third omniscient - by page fourteen, I am lost. Why did Destiny kill himself? To get away? I know we've chatted about this before, this killing-that-isn't-really-killing thing, and here too, it takes away the impact of deep wounds, because it has no effects that last - page fifteen: “To perform an action with no consequence,” you might actually be able to work more with this idea. I like it better as a thread than the sort of absolute power corrupts absolutely thing I think you're going for
  3. 3/20-Wisps of Aether-A Foreign World

    Hooray for first subs! Welcome welcome! Overall I'm unsure. The beginning was great, and I filled up and got hooked on a sense of wonder. It unraveled with the dialogue, first with the other astronaut, and then with the sister. I didn't get a lot of emotion out of our protag, and the way their conversation goes doesn't feel like it wraps up well at the end. I'm unsure as well, about the knife in the eye thing (did he try to kill himself?), and if you're trying to tie that to the sister also doing self harm? I have a lot of loose end questions, basically, and I'm not sure your beginning, while enchanting, is the right one for this story. It sets up reader promises that aren't really met in the rest of the story. But good on you for subbing! The name of the game is revisions, so I look forward to seeing your next sub! I think this was where I hung up, too, in terms of keeping promises to readers. All the glory of space travel and coming back, and the interaction has none of that in it. I was disappointed. As I go - The Battlestar Galactica vibe is strong here, early on - page one: might be autocorrect, but tags don't have to be capitalized after a question mark. - page two has some pretty heavy maid and butler dialogue. It makes me not want to read it. - page one started with an aura of real wonder, and I was drawn in. The dialogue ending on page two is pulling that back, for me. - page four: the relationship between these two people is a little confusing to me. They talk about being friends, sort of, but I don't see that really shown anywhere. So the talk, especially on page four, rings a bit false - page four: she's grown taller? Was she also 17 when our protag left? If so, very few women grow taller at this age. Most have their last growth spurt at 14-15. Edited - she is the little sister. Ah. - The sister says "I'm glad you're back", but I don't really feel that from her. Her dialogue from the start, and the fact that she forgot when her brother would return, sell me more on some intense sibling rivalry that hasn't faded. You'll need to ease more affection in, I think, if you want the reader to buy that the sister is happy to see the brother again - page six: she's crying now? Not sold on this emotional display, especially since our protag doesn't seem to be emoting along the same lines - page seven: I feel like a robot. Interesting, because his emotions come off the same way - Not sold so much on the ending
  4. Lounge

    Same here. I also don't get stuck as much, because I get pretty regular light shining on the gaping plot holes. And of course, every CP brings something different to the table. @industrialistDragon is a slayer of all things trope, and smacks my plot around until it resembles something worth reading. Also, her polishing LBLs are killer. I'd never have gotten picked up to publish without her cleaning help on AFD.
  5. Lounge

    We do LBLs / broad crits, depending on the quality of material swapped on any given week. For instance, this week we both just had rougher stuff, so comments were LBL, but broader stroke. Some weeks we have nearly ready to sub here stuff, so we pick it over more. A good, reliable CP is worth their weight in gold!
  6. I'd be on board with this. A description skillfully done, perhaps in appropriate POV for Quirk in which he, say, scans for features he finds attractive (breasts, package, whatever), finds said area missing or artfully concealed, and quickly understands and speaks accordingly. Ex: Quirk admired the sculpted eyebrows, the high cheekbones blushed just so, the burgundy lips. There was no chest to speak of, but hips pushed at a sleek skirt of silk. Always so delightful, the counter clerks, and this one particularly so. Quirk approached hir with a tilt to his chin...
  7. Lounge

    Honestly, the crit work here is what keeps me motivated! It forces me to open my computer every day and look at new ideas, and that, for me, is gold. I set goals for myself. For instance, @industrialistDragon is going through ATD and doing serious LBLs right now, but I'm forcing myself to finish draft zero of TWD before I head into them. I'm doing this because I know I will get caught back up into the previous world, and will lose momentum in TWD. So maybe goals? Self-imposed deadlines? Also, having a CP is a MAJOR help. @Mandamon and I swap up to 10K weekly. It can be a demanding pace, but it keeps me writing and active, knowing that I want to have something to show him each Friday. Maybe a CP would help?
  8. Waning, Ch. 12 (S)

    Overall Enjoyable! I wasn't as engaged with the scene at the beginning, but I think that is a combination of WRS (and there having been a several week gap) and the type of scene it was. Maranthe continues to intrigue me, and I like the scene with the gods. Lasilia I don't actively dislike her anymore, but neither do I find her an interesting protagonist. I would keep reading this story, but it would be for the side characters, and the world, and the very intriguing gods. Lasilia herself I can't seem to connect with, nor empathize with. She's starting to get hints of better dimensionality, for sure, but the world around her is so interesting and she just seems... to float in a bubble just beyond it. As I believe I have mentioned before, dislike or ambivalence of a protagonist does not keep me from enjoying something. I hated Buffy but loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc. The story you are presenting is immersive, and I appreciate that. As I go - LOL 'He is awfully pretty' - Lasila pulls her head down to hers <-- typo here - I enjoy the reveal ceremony a great deal - page six: the part where the god speaks to Lasilia still confuses me. Does he walk to her and whisper? Is it an illusion? I can't seem to tell if he is actually right before her, or this is some mental trick. Because I'm wondering about it, it pulls me from the narrative - aww, I'm sad that the gods don't speak to Savae! - the end bit with Savae is good!
  9. Shoot, you know what? I bet it isn't. I'll use your page numbers from now on. Page 85 was where I thought the exchange was closer to what I remembered about Quirk. Yes, this is all that I see in him, too. And I can see him as being more crass with Moth, because his guard is down, but there was a subtly to his character in some of your first subs that I just fell in love with. I didn't see that as much in this submission, but it is also one of those things you could edit back in pretty easily. Uh, I completely missed that! In the washroom, then I remove my complaint. That's a time honored place for short liaisons.
  10. As the non-binary elephant in the room, I'll address this. It doesn't matter. This is the future, this is a background character, and you inform so much more about the world in that Quirk uses the pronoun without question than you would if you tried to explain it. I've suggested cutting the explanation entirely. In the real world the answer is, when you have a person of indeterminate gender, you avoid using pronouns until they offer one. Not everyone appreciates being asked what their pronouns are, and many do not like being asked what their gender is. #nonbinaryquestionhour
  11. Overall I'm not as fond of this submission as others. The voice of both Quirk and Moth seemed off, and the first chapter seemed to lack direction. I liked the second chapter a lot more, but Moth's voice faltered in it. I'd like to (again) see more of that suave Quirk who so enchanted me the first time around, as well as the crass yet vulnerable Moth. The android portions are interesting me more and more as we go. I can now say I am interested in that storyline as well. But in the first installment, the droid didn't have balls, right? Now it does? As I go - that first paragraph is a little clunky. I don't want it to be, because it fascinates me. - end of page four: this doesn't seem like Quirk. He's very course now in his language, without any flare. Continues on page six. I don't care for this Quirk. - run on, top of page six - Her favorite assassin? LOL - page seven: I don't mind random insertion of third gender / nonbinary character. Adds flavor and variety. I think its only tokenism if you make them a two-dimensional character. Here xie is part of the world building. Bonus, you don't call it out. You don't try to explain why there is a xie, it just is, and no one cares, and that's good! - oh, page nine you do call it out. I liked it better when it just was. It ages your world, to have this resolution passed just two years prior, when I assume this is the future? I mean, we have countries now that allow it so this dates your story severely. Suggest just removing this section. Let the xie stand on its own. - I don't really feel like the story got moving until about page ten. Suggest trimming the pages before, as they seem to not be building to anything substantial, even personality, character, or worldbuilding - the exchange on page eleven is more along the lines of what I expected from Quirk - this first chapter doesn't have much meat to it. You might go back and poke it to see what it was meant to accomplish, and try to bring that element forward more - page 19: I would have liked more of Quirk's suave shown, with the flight attendant. Right now he's just coming off as a creeper who has a foul mouth and makes out with a teenager a few feet away. At least leave the room, man. - page 20: Actually, Moth seems harsher than normal too, in this. Her words on this page don't play quite right. - the 'M' word? Masturbation?
  12. I tried. I really did! I just really hate reading epic fantasy. I can't even make it through The Way of Kings, and I'm a Sanderson fan (well, at least in terms of the Mistborn books). So I made it maybe two chapters into LoTR, and about the same amount into The Way of Kings. Yes, but quoting @Mandamon, who also had a pronoun slip in his. I just wanted to point them out. No offense taken certainly. It's hard for me too, because I use female pronouns despite being nonbinary, and they slip pretty easily into S's narrative. We're all learning!
  13. I don't actually know what an Ent is, so I shall take this as a compliment! This pretty much sums up every trip to the jungle, ever. On it Thank you for the praise! I'm glad the chapter went well! (just a quick note on the pronouns though...) True. I don't generally like epic fantasy. I like to read dark fantasy almost exclusively. However I will say that in my mind, S is on an epic quest, even if S doesn't actually realize it as such. It's a quest to find and define a sense of self, and I think that is a really neat thing to explore through parallels of alchemy and gender identity. (ack, see, @Mandamon is doing it too. No female pronouns, please). But yes, this is what I was hoping for. That alchemy has three distinct branches (maybe more), and R and S aren't in the same one. And in fact that R's faction holds the one S is in in pretty low esteem. I've tried to clear it up some more. Thank you, @Robinski, for the glowing review! I am thusly motivated to continue on! I've tried to tweak it a bit. I do want R to be verbally in control, because screaming or yelling would only attract the palm. R needs to show some strong competency in this chapter outside of S's area, and this was supposed to be it. Hopefully the edits clarify. Thanks for having another read through @Wisps of Aether!
  14. I have not! I have all the component parts now, but I'm still stringing them together and trying to arc characters better. I've left a note for myself on this point, and its something I'll think about again in the first rewrite. The issue is that I didn't think chapter one was gory at all, so I'm shooting in the dark with the 'G' label. I figured, I get descriptive with how the pigments work, so I'd best 'G' rate every use of them on a human. I'd rather over rate than under rate.
  15. The Necro Bug rdpulfer 3/12/17

    Yes, because it felt more natural for the character. The woman cop stuff hit so hard it felt contrived. It stood out too much, and was narrative-jarring. The lesbian quip felt less forced.