kais

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426 Ghostblood

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  1. Overall Oooh, this is much improved. I really enjoyed it! Tension and pacing were great. A little quibble at the end, but I think it's mostly there. Nice work! Re: the kickstarter - are there going to be more of these shorts, or is it just this one? As I go - props right off that bat for using a traditional female name for a male character. Love - I'd connect more with Rey's desire to be back home (and better understand how much he hates the manual labor he currently has), if you gave a bit more detail on what some of those tasks back home involved. Right now they're abstract enough that they don't really drive empathy - the 'we have a rodent problem' line is excellent - page three: They were numerous, as if this was where they originated. What is the 'they' referring to in this sentence? Unclear - page five: pace is going well. I am engaged - page five: It was taller than him, a covered in a mass of interconnected <-- 'a' should be deleted, I think - page eight: this was a lot more physics than I was expecting - page 13: yup, pacing is definitely much better this time. I'm super invested - page 15: LOL at 'more feathers than a Kirian'! - page 16: ooh, it's getting bigger! Tension! - ending: hmm. Almost. I feel like the story of the mentor having battled the same creature is missing a little punch. Like, it was Kheena's escaped pet or something. It's so close, just, the punch doesn't land quite right.
  2. I'd particularly like help on: A) is the interlude too long and if so, suggestions on where to cut B.) Is S's motivation for leaving alchemy behind understandable, relatable, and reasonable? Do you feel S's pain? Please be brutally honest, because this chapter has to work, or the rest of the book doesn't. Thank you, as always!
  3. ASD LIVES! Preorder is up, release date is (finally) stable, and I've got a book launch to plan. It's available through all the various other country Amazons (Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.de, etc), for those outside the US who simply must own Lesbians in Space, volume II. Just search under the title name. I also started hardcore querying TWD. I'd forgotten how nerve wracking that whole process is.
  4. LOL! @Mandamon and I are apparently shouting in tandem from the (virtual) corner. "PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET, DOOFUS! YOUR POCKET!"
  5. @TKWade it might be a gender thing, too. I'm AFAB, and having been raised within that social structure, things spying on me or paying me too much attention when I am in shorter clothes is freaky as all get out. That part of the story, I thought, was spot on with female perspective.
  6. Since I've already read this once, I'm just going to read it through entirely, and give you a breakdown of my thoughts after. Things that stood out Why did he put the amulet on the table? Isn't it contraband or something? If the rune is the contraband and not the amulet, that should be made clear earlier. And how did they notice the ruin if it was hidden? I don't understand enough about how priests work for this to make sense, so it seems just like author convenience right now. I still don't really understand the Warren thing, and I while I care a bit more for our lead now that he has some depth, the stakes aren't high (and therefore the ending not satisfying) because I don't know much about the world yet. I think expanding the dialogue between MC and our mysterious woman might actually help, and would be a good place for more backstory. I do think the trims you made to the end are better, and the bit more on character building helped. You have a reasonable scaffold, at this point, of a chapter, and what needs to happen now is stretching and filling in. Nice work!
  7. Overall The premise itself is interesting. The characters... yes, inconsistent and very sexist, bordering on misogyny. Telling a woman (or anyone, really), that you have to live with one person spying on you to prevent a lot of people spying on you, especially when it is coming from a partner, is just not okay (unless you've built up the partner to be a jerk, in which case, it would be in character). Marlene could be a much deeper character, and I think you would get that from showing how she reacts to the drones instead of telling. I'll disagree with this and say that it would freak me out, too. I'd probably react the same way. Yes, this. I also wanted more information on the whys. As I go - page two: if you're going to mention it is a wedding present in dialogue, then you don't need it as narration - page three: why is this drone so large? If it needs to be strapped down like that, it doesn't seem like any modern drone I am aware of - page four: wooden portal? Like, portal to another world? Or did you just mean 'door'? - page five: so the new drones do everything an apple watch does. Why drone instead of watch? Is this an AU? - end of page six, 'neighbors' is misspelled - page 11: 'the pictures made her feel violated' is more telling than showing. I want to feel her anger, and her vulnerability, not just get a single line about it. Like, I'd be mad as heck and also feel sort of naked. Would she go put on long pants and an oversized shirt? Would she cross her legs? Her arms? Show us! - page 13: holy rape apologist line. Tracy can get punched any time - page sixteen: Joe, if he was a decent human being, would allow Marlene to threaten Nat properly, or follow up on her threat, not change the topic. Marlene's lack of ability to set up a computer, have a job (apparently), her willingness to let people consistently talk down to her or over her, seems at odds with the initial set up of a strong willed farm woman. Character inconsistency here. Is she a retiring housewife with a 'traditional' husband (haha, if such a thing exists), or is she the farm woman who can hold her own? - page 22: "Maybe that's the price we pay." What? Seriously? No. Retiring housewife or not, Marlene deserves privacy and self autonomy and Joe has just swept both of those away in a single sentence. This is my angry face. - I don't understand the ending. What did Arnie do? Just terrorize everyone into keeping their drones to themselves? I was sort of hoping Arnie would eat the smaller drones or something akin
  8. S for a kissing scene. And this sub is long, so apologies. If you don't have time to read it I totally understand. If I broke it in half, I was afraid the emotional tension wouldn't carry. Looking for if S and Sam's interactions are believable, and if the emotional impact of the chapter is stronger now that we've had the interludes.
  9. Heh. Easy enough to fix. Ah yes, I've moved things around a lot. Now S learns about the amulets first from Rah, and a discussion is included of them in a number of earlier interludes. Basically I've gone through and laid down a 'magic' layer of story since the last go through. Sorry for the confusion! One of these days I swear I will stop making this mistake... It's an artifact of a past edit. Urp. Sorry. Thank you! This is now heavily seeded in prior chapters, but not enough for the reader to know know, because we are constrained by S's knowledge. Hopefully it pulls together better later. So I've done two things with M and S in these last two edits. First, I've changed M to more antagonistic early on (still being upset about S's sudden departure as children), and S has been given a great deal more agency in earlier areas. I'm trying to set up a theme where S is quite competent when alone, but crippled in the presence of mother and M (because S is terrible at interpersonal relationships). So, we'll see how this goes as the book progresses. Marginally. I'm trying to (and probably failing) seed in that the characters around S know something that S clearly does not. I need it to be apparent to the reader that S is lacking key information. I don't know how well I am managing, however. It's supposed to be more of 'everyone knows things except S'. Maybe it needs to be integrated better? Yes. I've clarified it with @industrialistDragon's help Vomit is really acidic, and the finishes that were present in the 1700s were not great, but this was more about A being an overbearing arse than anything else. Hopefully that comes across? Thank you @Mandamon, for slogging through again. Congrats on the fully funding of your kickstarter! Do we get cool enamel pins now?? Let me tell you what, those things sell like crazy at cons! Thank you! I like that part a lot, too. I'm trying to better seed in that S is sort of...preoccupied a lot of the time. Very in their own head. Chalk it up to hyperbole? Thank you for the feedback!
  10. Ah, but ignore them with increasing disdain! Well, that's the plan, anyway. Yup. Will try to fix this. Thank you! Wonderful! Then they're working perfectly. I'm please with how much richer they make the story. Thank you for the comments! Agreed. I just deleted it. Yeah, it's implied that Sam won't stop asking until S answers 'properly', cause Sam knows full well who S is. This one leads right into a chapter where adult Sam is introduced, so I think that gets cleared up. Thank you for the thorough feedback!
  11. Jeeze, how did this get away from me? I know we had this convo in chat, but for those in the peanut gallery wondering, this was like, every slumber party I had from maybe eight through twelve Hrm. I need to find a way to integrate them better, because this is following basic slumber party protocol in which strange body comparisons is then followed by consuming too much caffeine and telling spooky, sometimes (often) dirty stories. Then falling asleep giggling. Thank you @industrialistDragon! Yup, that's okay. The mother interludes build together. Thank you for the comments!! They're separate chapter-ettes, occurring about every three chapters, to help fill in the world. Based upon the last two weeks of feedback, they seem to be working rather well, so I finished them off this last week. Hopefully they deal with the info dump problems. I have come to the conclusion that this particular section of text has to go somewhere. I can try to integrate it here better through dialogue inserts, but that will make the interlude longer. Argh. I just don't know. It does replace the glacier thing though. These are 'builder' interludes, so they're not meant to have the same bite as the others. Let me know how you feel after a few more? I edited to clear this up. Thank you for reading (again)!
  12. In for next week pending space
  13. Overall I was very interested in the story premise, and I love the interaction of Alice and Dad. The end, however, fell flat for me, and I think the tech is dated. Good bones here though, and I think it could clean up very well! As an aside, I had no issue with the data cubes, but then again, I work in biology... Does the story work? Yes, I think so, but it needs edits, as noted above and below Does the theme work? I... have mixed feelings about this. Sort of? Maybe if the end was clearer As I go - page two: one day be programming a city, maybe? - I know zip about cars, but should super tech car be shifting gears? - okay, I know automated cars and traffic jams are not things that go together. - page four: max speed control already is in place in most semis. Seems dated here - page four: "We need you to fix Chicago traffic" is a great line! - page nine: why would toll roads decrease with automation? Can't the automation just go through the toll road? - I really love the interplay of Alice and her dad. It is definitely carrying the story - page 14: I think the big reveal of how Alice deals with the tech patch is muddled. It doesn't feel like a big thing, or any thing, really. I think the relevance and even the tech itself needs to be brought out more -