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354 Ferring

About kais

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  1. In the effort of full disclosure, I am still around for the time being, and having conversations with Chaos. Anyone is welcome to PM me if they want to chat.
  2. So in the space of two days, various people on this forum have argued for tone policing minorities, claimed #notallwhites, willingly, knowingly posted a video that directly mocks pronoun issues, proclaimed that Jewish people aren't white (just say that out loud. Really. Say it out loud. Do you feel like a racist? You are.), and that the alt-right aren't Nazis. If you, as a poster or an observer, are wondering why marginalized people can't speak to you calmly and just explain things and their side, maybe take a hard look at this thread. At every turn, either my gender or the religion that I love, has been attacked. My pain, and the pain this has caused me, has been completely swept under the rug so that cis, het, 'white' voices can be heard. I'm expected to listen to your sides, but you're not even trying to see mine. I've followed your rules, haven't I, @Ernei? And yet, where have we ended up? It took a lot for me to join this forum. It took even more courage to start subbing TWD. I really thought we were all on the same page, not necessarily with understanding, but in terms of respect. I don't care who you sleep with, what your gender is, how you show your gender, your religion, your skin melanin content, etc. You have the right to yourself, and your body, and your beliefs. What you do not have is right to degrade and tear down mine. You do not have the right to mock me. My gender, my religion, whether or not black people have the right to buy candy from a store, these are not up for debate. I expected more from this forum, and from the people I had come to see as friends. I expected more people to step in and say this was wrong. To say that I am emotionally damaged from this experience is not an exaggeration. But hey, #notallwhites, right? Or maybe #notallsffwriters ? I have fulfilled my crit obligations for this week, and now I will be stepping out. I have asked @Silk to remove me from the e-mail list. I would encourage those of you who are here to consider what type of environment, and precedent, you set in your actions, and how that reinforces the demographics of this space. There are no PoC writers here, that I am aware of, and your three queer writers have all been hurt in this exchange. You stand to lose all of us. At the very least, that does not give you a diverse crit group, instead it forms an echo chamber. If you want marginalized voices as a part of this forum, you have to start by making it a welcoming atmosphere, taking us and our concerns seriously, and above all, not belittling our struggles because hey, you're not the ones doing the marginalizing, right? Right? For those who have given me crits in the past, thank you very much. Your feedback has been very helpful. I will miss many of you.
  3. Overall I'm left feeling kind of underwhelmed. I didn't get much of a sense of tension, and I still haven't connected with K at all. I need more emotion from her, and purpose, and drive, or I won't care that she's being offered a police job at 17. I need buy-in, first, before I can really get involved with anything else. I see @Mandamon had similar comments on K, and I agree with @Robinski that I don't buy the police taking on a 17 year old just based upon what we have seen so far. As I go - page one: gossip should not have an 's'. It is both singular and plural already - page one: 'a toad to classes' doesn't quite work. 'Would bring toads to classes' or 'Would bring a toad to class' - page two: any emotions to go with the memory of beating up two boys? She doesn't react to it or the possibility that she is getting her memories back - page three: I'm getting a very Elantris meets Hogwarts vibe here - page four: I'm not connecting with K at all, and I think that is because she isn't reacting to anything. These events keep happening but she isn't showing any actual emotion. I have no reader buy-in right now, so her magic training isn't doing much for me - page five: referring to someone as 'the dark-skinned woman' tells the reader that everyone in this book is white unless otherwise stated. If you're going for that, it's okay. Otherwise, you might consider discussing other skin tones on people, and/or not making it such a blatant call out - page six: ah, we do get a light-skin call out here. Better - page eight: being called to the police station didn't seem to accomplish much? K knows about another murder but I didn't get anything in the way of tension from this scene - we don't call them 'radio cars', unless this is a specific term you made up for your world - page nine: why is she being invited to work with the police? WRS? Has she shown some high competency I'm not remembering? - page ten: you give an explanation re above, but I do not remember getting the feeling of strong accomplishment from the chapter where she dealt with the wizard. Some further discussion is needed here I think - page eleven: have we had a solid breakdown yet about the differences between witches and wizards?
  4. Overall I enjoyed it! It's come a long way since last read. I agree with both @Ernei and @industrialistDragon that the kid's interactions is just fine, but none of them really stand out and grab me. Since we get lots more with them soon, might not be something to worry about. This time around I did think the politics were interesting, especially since the Aridori get covered with the kids, too. Nice work, and good on you for fixing the fungi errors! Mycologist me is pleased. As I go - I agree with @industrialistDragon that the start is pretty slow - I am sufficiently pleased with the dress description modifications. - she commended his memory to the gods is a good line! I like it a lot, but suggest, since we don't know the sex of the orator, to change to 'their' instead of 'his' - I had to go back and read to see how Veerga had insulted people. Maybe there could be a reaction from the crowd to draw it out more? Minor quibble, really. - props for third gender - Have you specifically addressed what being a Naiyul is somewhere? I know of it because I'm reading Merchants and Magi right now, but I think it would float right past me otherwise. - the council meeting made a lot more sense to me this time than last. I don't know if that is because I've read it before, or I'm reading Merchants, or you've done some clean up (or maybe all three). Regardless, I think it works well now. - Please tell me these caravan traveling twins are offspring of Prot and Amra. MAKE IT REAL. Don't make me write a band fanfic - page 12: do we get those specific, third gender words? You have me curious as to your eventual neopronoun / 'they' usage - Oh, yep, there it is! 'Zie' FTW! - Yes. Fungus eating and fungus dining establishment pass mycological review. LOVE IT!
  5. Overall Good pacing and good meat to the story. Good progression. I got lost at the end with a few too many turns. Also I think you should move the android motivations earlier on and expound upon them some. Nice work! As I go - page 162: we're just now getting backstory on the android, and motivations. I think this should have come a lot earlier. Like, chapter two or three. - page 164: I'm not sure I'm understanding. The company moved operations to the moon so they wouldn't be under as strict of laws about employee safety? Is that right? - 164: I think Callahan's descent to death machine is too sudden. I'm not buying his motivations. It might be worth it to introduce parts of this chapter much earlier, and then show him progressively getting more and more violent, until he gets to this 'kill them all with fire' point. - 168: Suave Quirk has left the building? He's irritating Mary, and that seems... again, not the Quirk we first met - 169: What is the comment about calming down about? It comes off really patronizing without context - 170: wait what? Mary has given no outward signs of liking Quirk at all, and I think he insulted her a page ago. They're just going to boink now? *disbelief* - 171: Wouldn't Quirk call them 'panties' or 'lingerie' or something kind of fancy, noting his love of clothing and women? Knickers seems like an off word choice here - 173: the foundation quip work, although Quirk notes they are both wearing suits, but doesn't give details. I thought he was into suits? - 175: personality between our android murdered and Quirk sort of blends together this page - 179: my head is spinning from too much plot too fast, I think. I'm a lot lost - 180: why did the cops go so quickly from interrogation to help? Also lost here
  6. Okay but it is aimed at me. Not by you, necessarily, but by the presenter. This video made me so angry I cried. I cried here at work and had to leave the building and take a walk. That is how upset it made me. The message of that video is tone policing. And the comic at the link there is a really good one, and well worth the time to read. I don't have to listen to the other side, when the other side doesn't think I am a person, and that I don't deserve human rights. Why would I give any time to someone who thinks I should be dead? Should a Jew have to debate the usefulness and importance of their life with a Nazi? No. That's asinine. We don't have to debate fundamental human rights, and if we do chose to, we do not have to do so civilly. By allowing 'the other side' to be heard, we legitimize it. We say to that side and everyone listening - look, this person has something worth hearing, and we should consider their position. That just further marginalizes people. This isn't about worldview, and that is part of what makes that video so hurtful. It lumps social justice, the intrinsic rights of humans that should not be under debate, along with a religion. Everyone has a right to a life free from oppression and hate and violence. Religion is something you chose, and you can follow its rules or not, but there is no parallel between someone with a view that, say, Jesus is the son of god, versus a black man's right not to be shot for buying Skittles. And you'd better believe the black community has a right to their anger. They have a right to yell, and be angry, and show their activism and discuss their experiences however they wish. As white people, it is our job to not delegitimize their pain, or make them speak gently to us because we get uncomfortable with their anger. The marginalized do not owe comfort to their oppressors. Sometimes you have to use violence to solve violence. Even Martin Luther King believed that. You have to understand that words can be violence. I would rather be punched than purposefully misgendered, and the physical effect on my body is the same (and the pronoun comments in that video were particularly damaging to me). That is how much words can hurt. And some words, some words cannot be allowed. Words that seek the destruction of people, that argue that groups of people are not even human? That cannot be allowed to stand, because the damage to the marginalized is too great. More on Tone Policing On black women and white women Good quotes from a menagerie of people A good wiki, with links, and separate break out discussion of geek culture and civility The Style over Substance fallacy
  7. @Ernei, I know we've had these conversations before, and I understand that you're looking at our social problems here in the US through the lens of an outsider, but I think its important for you (and everyone else) to understand that this video isn't okay. The demographic make up of the people in the video should have been a first clue. It also reeks of privilege that I'm kind of tired of deconstructing. Nevertheless, I shall try again. - The man in the video says we shouldn't seek to change people, that we should just live our lives and love people. This is privilege at its finest. Black people in the USA cannot live their lives. They get shot for going to the store to buy a bag of skittles. They get shot for taking an autistic man, (that they are taking care of), out for a walk. They get shot for DWB (driving while black). Should they just ignore that? Live their lives with love and just keep letting white people kill them?! What about trans people? They can't live their lives, either, because in some states they can't use public restrooms. Should they not go out of their homes? Should queer people as a whole just sit idly by while our rights are legislated away? What about immigrants? What about Muslims in this country? What about the man on the flight just recently who needs major reconstructive surgery on his face, and got a concussion, due to our airport security? Should he just love them and laugh it off because they're never going to change? - The arguments used by the narrator seek to invite complacency in privileged people. Why get upset over social media? Why raise public consciousness? No one is ever going to change. Racism will just always exist and we should never strive to be better. You can't affect change, silly person, so don't bother trying. Just be happy and live your life and don't worry about those around you who are marginalized because they're just grumpy, and they sound unhappy, and they're always whining. Go ahead and tone police them, because constantly being shot at by police doesn't give you the right to be angry. Go ahead and wave off trans people because you were born in the right body, and it's not your fault they weren't. Why can't they just be happy the way they are? Oh, one of them was beaten to death for wearing a dress? Guess that just happens. If only he'd been happier and just loved people more. - Being a good person, a truly socially conscious person, takes work. It is hard. If you can avoid being a part of social justice, you are privileged, and you need to take a long, hard look at what that means. It doesn't mean silencing marginalized voices, or dehumanizing their struggles, or treating them like children. Racial equality matters. Pronouns matter (like, don't you remember what happens to S when misgendering occurs??). Being able to cover your head with a scarf because it means something to you, and your religion, and to not be beaten to death for doing so, matters. It's great that white cis, het Christians can pull wool over their eyes and pretend these things are just silly angry bickering. That sure as heck isn't what Jesus did. He didn't ignore the poor, or the sick, or the marginalized. He helped them. He hung out with them. He listened to their hardships and fought for them. He got angry! Jesus yelled! He made people listen because people were ignoring the marginalized, and here comes the son of god saying no, that's not cool. Everyone matters, everyone. Jesus was THE social justice warrior, and every time, every darn time I see something like this video, all I can wonder is if Christians can even see how far they have fallen from the god they claim to love. WWJD? It sure as heck wouldn't be this.
  8. I wrote a shorter chapter! HAHAHA! TWD is dark adult fantasy. Hey hey, we’re in draft one! Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. Tags: I don’t really understand the threshold for gore. I don’t think this is gory? Someone’s skin gets sliced with a crystal but I don’t comment too heavily on it. NC= non-consent, in that rape is briefly discussed as an historic act.
  9. Regional dialect? I don't know. It's for my eventual editor! Yes, this. And I wanted it to be somewhat vague, so looks like that works. LOL! Because S is supremely self-concious about breasts and is making poor parallel assumptions. It plays into a larger theme that is starting to build in this chapter. Wait for it. Argh. Okay. Will try to fix. I think I may keep it. S is in fact making a slight against tradespeople here. It would appear I didn't either, because it's already gone in my current document. Must have cut it last round. True. I don't get the reference at all. I'll try to clarify. Part of this is referencing material I added after the group read the early chapters. He's making rape jokes, basically. WRS - her cloak is bright blue Yes, this exactly. The confusion is probably part WRS. This is a matriarchy and inheritance is passed down through daughters. So a firstborn son couldn't inherit and would be fostered out. S was kept because S had 'the right anatomy'. This is S's POV, so we have to step around words like 'Sam wasn't born female', because technically, neither was S. I don't think you should ever be afraid to ask questions! You know I'm happy to chat. Thank you for the feedback! Excellent, as always.
  10. I'd like to sub on the 17th as well.
  11. It's my favorite! The story really starts to take shape!
  12. I have officially finished drafting TWD! Hooray! Now on to version one, fondly now referred to as 'Cleaning up gaping plot holes'.
  13. Thank you for posting this!
  14. This book is killing me. I've rewritten the end like five times now. In this current incarnation, Sam isn't a witch at all, so I had to change things up here. I understand the point about action. I put the pigment part back in. Hopefully that strikes the right balance. Oh I agree it's a strange thing to notice, but I'm trying to show an aspect to S's worldview here in that 1) S doesn't frequent taverns and 2) S doesn't view breasts in the same way as M. It matters later. If it sticks out here, that's good. If it's too jarring, that's not. Because of things I've changed. Continuity error! It's a placeholder for right now. There's another subplot that needs to go in. It's missing right now. I apologize. Draft zero and all. Clarified! But now back because I thought about this most of the day, and you are right! So, 6000 word chapter returns! I think I need help figuring this out. I've drawn out the scene so that S trips onto the chair, the chair then collapses, then S rolls into a table and beer pours over S. More comedy. This needs to, somehow, break the tension so that S looks utterly incompetent and the trappers are not longer threatened. This has the unintended consequence of lowering S even farther, and the trappers make crude jokes to save face for being intimidated by a junior witch. In the end, derogatory comments are better than knives, and M is showing an understanding of how crowds and appearance work. But if its not working its not working and I ask for help! I put more information in about this in chapter two. I might sub that little paragraph with my next sub, just to catch everyone up. What I'm trying for though, is to not be too upfront with it, because it doesn't affect S they same way it does M, or other women. So if we were in third limited I could a switch to really hammer the obscenity of the queendom's past, but this first person thing is hard, yo! Hopefully after I sub the little paragraph I can get some feedback on if that clears things up. Aheh.... forgot to change that bit! Agh, he did, but it was subtle. I'll pull it out more. Thank you for reading again, and being patient with all the changes. Onwards!
  15. Climate fun! In very cold places if there wasn't cloud cover overnight, a clear sky in the morning means biting cold! It's sort of a sleeping together thing, which S should know, because S and M shared a bed together frequently as children. That was the memory I was trying to evoke, anyway. Quite right. Editing. WRS I think. There were only a few people last night, and S took note. I can't do much explaining on the magic because it's first person and S doesn't understand it at all (somewhat willfully, I might add). I'm trying for a bit of unreliable narrating, too, so the views you get here, especially, might not be entirely indicative of what magic actually is Aheh... edits... They're scattered here and there in the story, for a very particular purposes. Sorry about that. Yeah, I should pull this out more I think There is a subplot here that is slowly coming out. I've added a bit more to it in chapter two in rewrites, so you're more in the dark than I'd like. But I did want to have a reason for a matriarchy, especially since I'm modeling a period in Europe (although not the landscape or climate). But if it helps, M shares your disgust and will discuss it at length next chapter. Thank you for the comments!