• Announcements

    • Chaos

      Oathbringer Spoiler Policy   11/13/2017

      Oathbringer is out! Let's make our policy on spoilers clear! 1. You must preface topics with Oathbringer spoilers with the prefix [OB] in the front 2. You are only allowed to post spoilers and spoiler topics in the Oathbringer Spoiler Board, Cosmere Theories, and some select work-related forums. 3. For posts in the Oathbringer Spoiler Board you do not need to use spoiler tags inside a topic marked [OB]. For Cosmere Theories, you also do not need to put spoiler tags inside your topic if the topic has [OB] in the title. However, for Cosmere Theories, if you are adding Oathbringer stuff to an old theory without the [OB] tag, those must go in spoiler tags and you must make it obvious outside the spoiler tag that the spoiler is regarding Oathbringer content. 4. For select things that do require talking about OB spoilers, in Events, Coppermind, and Arcanum forums, those are allowed but keep OB spoilers in spoiler tags 5. Avoid and minimize spoilers in topic titles--even though those two boards will not appear in the Recent Topics ticker, topic titles still appear in Recent Activity and the forum home.  6. You aren't allowed to post Oathbringer spoilers in places other than listed, even with spoiler tags.  It will be nine months and then the Oathbringer board will be re-merged with the Stormlight board and you will not need to tag these spoilers. If you'd like to move something in the Stormlight Archive board to the Oathbringer board, to update it with new Oathbringer information, Report the post and we will happily move it to the Oathbringer spoiler board. Part-by-part Reactions Though the Oathbringer Spoiler Board will be very spoilery, very fast (maybe don't come there until you've read the book, as people do have copies that bookstores sold early), you'll have these five topics for reactions if you want to nerd out: Part 1 Reactions
      Part 2 Reactions
      Part 3 Reactions
      Part 4 Reactions
      Full Book Reactions For parts 1-4, they will not include the interludes immediately following it. On Discord All Oathbringer spoilers on Discord will be exclusively in the #oathbringer_spoilers channel for the nine month spoiler period and nowhere else.

kais

Members
  • Content count

    1,179
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

469 King's Tester

About kais

  • Rank
    Master of Cellulose

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Other

Recent Profile Visitors

1,510 profile views
  1. And me! I'm in for Monday. ETA: I see the unholy triumvirate is back. BWAHAHAHAHAHA
  2. check and check Hmm. A sentence appears to have mysteriously vanished. Thanks for catching that! It's actually just placeholder timeline for me right now. I plan on deleting. That was why it was in yellow. Good catch! I'm trying to be better with the ship in this short, since he's modding it out and the Buran would be completely useless as a tramp transport without heavy modification. Is it too out of place with how the first three books were? Have edited It was meant to be ridiculous, and mostly a running joke, so I'll call this a win Many people commented on this. I'll go back and bring it out more. Late edit to book one. They have claws now... I think? I need to go reread book one Good catch. Will edit. This is hard to balance. If I go too much into his backstory, I might have to turn this book from a book of shorts into a full blown prequel. Which I could do, but that might be overkill? My thought was that this chapter would be first in the book, then Ne's three chapters, then Nick's chapter. I might end up cutting Ne's middle chapter, too. Unsure at this point. Basically I need to finish writing the book and then I can figure out how to organize it and what needs cutting and what needs expanding. UGH writing! Thank you for the excellent comments! Running gag? I mean, this is way better than anything I had come up with. I love this. Let's roll with this. In all honesty, it was a small thing in book one that enough people found amusing that I just ran with it. I look at it like I look at long hair. It's a pain in the butt, it serves no real purpose, it's highly unsanitary and dangerous in many professions, but it's a fashion statement, and a cultural statement, and has immense meaning so... it stays, even if it's silly. My fault. I think I forgot to mention in the email that this is book four of a series, so coming in cold like this has to be jarring. I'll but a bit more backstory buy in in, as noted by all the previous commenters. Yes! It's kind of my nirvana... Has been edited Debating this. I don't want to drag the short down (it's already over 5K), but maybe a few more nuggets... In fact we have three books explaining it! I love the comparison to two-minute noodles. Perfection. Thank you for the comments!
  3. Hrm, good to know. I wanted to have the back half to fill in his history with the Ris, but maybe it's not needed. Will see how the next submission goes. It's supposed to be insinuated throughout the series that its the Ards doing it. I think I make a big call out to it in book three? Maybe I need to be more clear. I have an Ard cameo in the second half of this, so maybe that helps? I don't know. I'll go rethink. Thank you for reading, as always! Okay so A) that is the best analogy ever. EVER. B). I'm...not sure how to up the stakes in this for new readers. I'm in between a rock and hard place here with not wanting to alienate new readers, but also knowing this is book four in a series, is a book of shorts meant to just be a fun sort of read, and that I can't mess with character personality too much. Where does the heist fall apart for you? Could you ID the page you lost tension? That might help me better address the issue. Yes, that was the vibe I was going for Hmm. Will try to streamline a bit. They're a set, xe and hir, and have been used throughout the trilogy so they're pretty set. But yes, Ris are an agender species. LOL. Well there are three books before this that go over it pretty well! I'll try to bring his motivations out more. They're there, they're just buried. My fault. Thank you very much!
  4. Welcome back! The forum is definitely picking up again post NaNo and winter holidays
  5. Truth. I would never take students I didn't know on a research trip. I despise taking any students on a research trip, and when I do, it is 99% for grunt labor. Students are a liability, first and foremost, and do little if any actual contributions to the work. Now, if the students in your work had gone several times before, that'd be different. The most useful students are the ones who have worked in my lab for a few years and been on the Amazon trips a few times. After about the third year they know the drill and can help corral others, but I'd never allow tagalongs, not even from my favorite students.
  6. I dig it, but watch your regional growths. Mahogany wouldn't grow in the same forest types (or climate) as oaks. Apologies to you and @Mandamon. I didn't mean to insinuate that a young girl couldn't be an expert fighter. More, I'm confused as to her state of mind and the... bloodlust? That might not be the right word. But it doesn't ring true for me. I think if I had some backstory it might. It wouldn't ring true for a fourteen year old boy, either, for that matter. I have a hard time reconciling youth of that age with the level of sheer destruction being shown here, without remorse. It's like we're in the head of a villain with a huge backstory about how the world has driven them to this point over fifty years. It's hard to see that in someone so young. Of course, if you gave her a backstory with a lot of violence in it, it would make perfect sense (or even just a love of fighting), but right now it just... it doesn't sit right. I've tried to rectify this tear in the space time continuum
  7. Overall I thought it started out strong, but you lost me in chapter two. I need more backstory on the girl, I think, before I can get behind the fight scene at all. I'm also not sure what you're trying to go for in terms of sympathetic characters, and I'm left with a lot of 'meh' about the girl at the end of the second chapter. Keep at it! I did enjoy chapter one! As I go - that first line is still not a good hook. Generally, you should start each chapter and end each chapter with a hook, to keep people engaged and reading. This is especially true for first chapters of books, otherwise known as 'the cold open'. - page one: +1 for good wood choice for a bar top. If it were me I'd have gone with a white oak, but white oak has better uses, such as whiskey barrels, so I assume red oak was what was left over. I approve of this world and it's well thought out use of oaken materials - page three: common wood names aren't proper nouns but oh my god are we going to have a conversation about wood species? I am right here. - page four: why is the design more fierce on the women? Is this a breast allusion? It feels awkwardly male gaze, but also confusing, like maybe I'm not getting some joke - the end hook of chapter one is a good one! - 'tensed' is not a proper noun - page five: allusion to rape needs a warning in your sub, please. Not a fan, and it doesn't really serve a purpose here. Why not just burn the mother, too? - page five: 'smelt' should be 'smelled', unless there are fish involved that I don't know about - page seven: 'armor' is not a proper noun - page seven: this is a girl who is delighting in the idea of charging a man twice her size, after already being cracked on the side of the head? This just doesn't ring realistic for me. From the way she was described earlier on, I got the feeling that she was twelve, maybe thirteen. There's a whole lot of sore and awkward going on with a thirteen year old girl, and this sort of battle lust just seems... out of place, unless you do some more build up and backstory - page eight: So chapter one spent a decent amount of time building sympathy and tension around this girl who was about to get arrested, but the way she is fighting and acting in chapter two makes me view her as the villain. I don't know if this is what you are going for, but it kills the tension for me. She also seems to have aged up a lot in these two pages - the drowning doesn't really build any tension as a chapter end, because I don't care about this girl anymore.
  8. Welcome to RE! Overall The writing is nice! There's a good flow and rhythm to it. The content is a bit lacking, unfortunately, in terms of buy in. There's also a really poor gender balance in this piece. Keep at it, and know revisions are what turn manuscripts into books! You're a fine writer for thirteen! My major suggestion, noting this piece and your age, is to see beyond your immediate sphere when imagining characters. Remember that women and gender minorities exist. You may not notice them on a regular basis, but they were historically a major part of every war, every battle, every kingdom. In any given army there are bound to be a number of women fighting as men, or as women. There is always a caravan trailing armies, made up of cooks and prostitutes or wives, etc. Their stories are just as interesting, and often moreso, than a standard man's, because they are the often untold stories. As I go - page two: fault line magic? Okay, I'm interested. The first page was a bit slow though, all things considered. For a cold open on chapter one, you might consider something more dynamic - page three: a reminder that women make up roughly half of any given population, and should therefore also make up roughly half of any story, baring obvious settings like boys' boarding schools, etc. There have been a large number of characters mentioned thus far, and page three is our first mention of a female in world, and she's a mother. - page four: I'm bored. I don't know enough about our lead character to care about this war, or his feelings about it, or what it means for the land. I need more buy in before politics and attempts to tug at my heartstrings - page seven: the boy's death doesn't do anything for me, because I do not yet care about this world
  9. I'M SO EXCITED! Overall I'm not connected enough with the client to care that he was in danger or murdered, which meant tension didn't build with the fire. I think I might need a bit more emotional tie in. Is Q excited for the job? Is M? What does it mean for the client to be murdered? Might the fire spread? Basically I think I need more emotion, and more urgency. But the bones are great! As I go - 'they got up late' isn't the most dynamic of chapter openers - LOL, the ole Alucard joke - page four: I'm kind of sad Q hasn't taken this opportunity to try high winter fashion. I was expecting a peacoat at least! - 'face-sucking cold' is an excellent description of parts of the north - page eight: while I do love all the settings and the dream of winter boots with clickable yak tracks, at this point I'm getting a little antsy for the plot - you've got a double 'the', top of page ten
  10. Hi, and welcome to RE! Overall I was very confused during the first few pages. Things got better once it was established that they were gaming, but the science part that followed had a lot of problems. If you're going to put forward a character as being a scientist then you're going to have to do a lot more deep research on the subject matter, as well as presenting the information in a way that shows us that you understand it (for instance, making sure genus and species are in italics, and that genus is capitalized and species is lower case). I think the story has reasonable bones, and I was interested in where it might be going, but I think this chapter will need a great deal of cleaning. Edits are what make the story though, so keep at it! Agree completely Yes, this. Too many names, not any investment for any of them. Same here. I think maybe you're promising...an archeological adventure? My gut has me worried you're promising some evolutionary revelation regarding Jewish heritage and I am not excited about that. This is a good point. I was so upset about the science that I didn't realize I had no idea what these kids looked like until I read this comment. As I go - that first sentence, and the whole first paragraph, is bogged down with adjectives. Try limiting yourself to one per sentence until you get a better feel for how to use them - I don't understand this 'I said, no Driz said' thing. What is going on? - Not a fan of the super heavy male gaze in this first page - Wait, Driz is our narrator? I'm so confused right now - page two: what tense are we in? I think we're bopping between present and past. You'll need to pick a tense, and a 'person', for this to begin to make sense - end of page two: Driz isn't Driz and I have no idea who is who or what is going on. If this were a book in a bookstore, I'd put it back and go read something else at this point. - page four: so... they're playing D&D? That should be a apparent a lot earlier - page five: I think science is pretty set on neanderthals being their own species, not an 'ethnicity' - page six: this science doesn't shake out. If this person is writing a thesis, then they should know that if the species name is different, then it's a different species. Race is a social construct. The line even different species of... makes no sense, because the character is indeed talking about different species. If we have Homo erectus and Homo sapien, these are different species (note the same genus, but different species name). The change in species name has nothing to do with race or ethnicity or any of these variant words we use to describe the way phenotypes show themselves. Also note - species is never capitalized, but genus always is. - wait... the line about genetic mixing and culling is... not how this works. That's not evolution works at all. Homo sapiens have been the only humanoids on this planet for a very long time. If you want the science in this to sound legit, you'll need to do more reading - page six: If you're going to do anything with a lost tribe of Israel, I'm going to have a lot of comments. Just heads up on that.
  11. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. This is a rough draft, so apologies. L for language. This is the first half of the short, so you won't have the complete arc. Hopefully that won't be too irritating!
  12. Sorry. Will clarify. Argh, this is a typo! It should be a dredger. Thank you for catching! I've paired down the questions considerably. I could string the conversation into more standard bartender, but I'm afraid it would make the intro piece a little long, and I think the consensus is that it's already too long? Level of experience... with sex? Could you elaborate on your confusion with this part? Well, darn. I'll try to get this fixed. Yeah, this is a common issue I have with first drafts. I'll slim it down with edits. Holdover from previous version, where he did go away. Thanks for catching! Excellent, thank you. I'd planned on expanding it out a bit anyway so these will help. Thank you for sending the LBLs for all these shorts, btw! Really above and beyond here! I'm okay with that! No worries! Thank you for the feedback! On to your LBLs! ATM, I'm good with this. I was trying to walk that line between is he decent or is he scummy. Might push him closer to scummy later. I guess in my mind, in the Systems, the patriarchy that leads to a lot of this type of behavior is under a bit more control so when these things happen they're not so... generally horrid and more start of reasonable and maybe slowly evolve to more base actions. Anyway, everything's up for edit so I'll have another go! Thank you all!
  13. In for Monday as well, pending space
  14. The idea was that N is pretty sheltered and this is her first time really out and about in the systems. Lot more than the three genders she has on her world, and she's trying to mentally sort it out without getting anyone too angry with her. It's from the second part (you may have not read it). She hates being a journey youth, basically. Could also be WRS maybe. LOL okay okay. Will cut If you're referencing the first terran then yes, it's bad flirting. I've edited the start of the short to indicate N's minor celebrity status, so hopefully this whole interplay makes more sense now. Good point. Will add. Messy enough to throw you from the narrative? Her thoughts are pretty messy here, so I was trying to be true to that. I don't want it to be a turn off, though, either. I'm actually hoping to let this hang in this short, as it leads right into the next one Could you elaborate on this? Last chapter we left with N angry and closing off an avenue of communication with her homeworld. This one she gets some hope and decides to someday return home. Is there something specifically that needs to be brought out more? Thank you so much for your comments! It gets at least one call out every book, and is sort of a running gag. All of these call outs won't stay in here, likely. I'll edit them down eventually. Okay, have edited to try to clear this up. Edited to call this out early on in the short I cut this waaaaay down Huh. I really missed the explanation on that, didn't I? Have added in and I think it helps a lot. Thank you, as always! How soon until we start seeing some new stuff from you on here, @Mandamon? I'll try to fix this. Hmm. I don't want him to be so sleazy he seems out of place in the Systems peace. Will ponder this one. I'm not sure how to help this, short of giving the shorts a plot continuity outside of Ne gets exile and has to meet up with Y sometime. I'll be curious to see what you think of Y's short, which I'll sub this upcoming week. Thank you for all this! Hope you're feeling better!
  15. Overall Much enjoyed! The middle sagged just a bit, but I think if you cut some of the recap at the start that would take care of it. The usually grumbles below. Nicely done! YES! And made it all the more frustrating when they didn't choose the jobs I was the most interested in! As I go - I actually think just the first backstory paragraph is fine. The stuff after probably isn't necessary, and without it I think it would serve as a decent hook for new readers! - LOL! Yes, androids staring at walls WOULD weird people out! - page four- we already got a description of M's hair, but you haven't given either M or Q a skin tone description yet I don't think. - page five: yeah, here we get the whys of M's attachment to Q again, and much more succinctly, so I think the beginning stuff could definitely be cut - page five: eeehhhh, this characterization of the ex wife, being brought up against M, is reading a little too saint vs. slut trope (it must have a different name on TV Tropes, because I can't find it). I think the only thing you'd need to fix it would to be more specific about his gripes with the ex, and maybe find one he could share with M. Ex: His ex had wiped his bank account clean and lied to his face about where all her shiny new sports cars were coming from (make sure she doesn't spend the money on something horrifically cliche, like a man or makeup or clothes, cause then it's still a bad trope thing). At least when M lied she was stabbing someone else in the back. Also he could probably grow to like it. Maybe. He'd calmed down a lot since his marriage. - you've got an extra semi colon on page seven "...mean it wasn't;..." - Disney has a planet? Can I go? Please? You know what's scary? I can totally see Disney having a planet. - page eight: OMG I so do not want the professor to be a love interest. I want her and Q to end up being best buds who wingman for each other as they try to suss out sexualities. Pleeeeeeeeease let this be a thing! There is so much gold here my stomach is flipping. - oh boo. The professor is already out. Drat - our waitress on page eleven doesn't have skin tone descriptors, either - page thirteen: Did Q just... pseudo-tone police M? "don't curse' is right up there with 'you should smile more and people would respond better to you' in the catalogue of 'douchey things men say to girls and women that one of these days women are going to stab them in the eye for." - the tying to Shakespeare is great! - oooh, good end line!