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567 Lord Prelan

About kais

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  1. I'm behind but it's for a really awesome reason I can't talk about yet so... on with the crit! Overall Maybe WRS but I'm just very confused as to what is going on. J is betrayed? Is that it? Or a deal went sour? I was also unsure on the outcome of the battle. I think the bones are there and are sturdy, but there's some areas that need expanding and cutting. I also had this question Yes! I completely agree with this Ditto! As I go - page 108: the line about saving his family and saving C... I like it a lot - 109: “Baaaaackk!” A near formless cry boomed against the night and Krister charged out of the garden like a bull. The great fool lummox lowered his shoulder and hammered into the backs of those trying to subdue C’s attackers. I think this paragraph has too many adjectives - +1 for woman attacker - page 111: I think I need 'story magic' built up more, because I think this is supposed to be a big moment, and has the potential to be a big moment, but falls flat because I don't have a proper sense of wonder about magic in this world - 111: missed opportunity for a lewd joke about 'staffs' - 112: I have no idea who is talking for most of this - 115: so... how did the battle end? Even rereading I think I'm still lost
  2. I'd like to sub next Monday please!
  3. LOL! But coming from S' POV, it would eyebrow raises and then side eye shame for being outside a guild and trying to do your own work.
  4. You can test all those with a multi-stage chemistry test. With all that sand you could have them make their own glassware specific to the kind of substances they're going to be working with!
  5. I mean, I could submit, but somehow I don't think the forum wants to read the nonfiction stuff I've buried myself in recently.
  6. Hmm. I guess it would depend. If you set up his character as trying to downplay his intelligence in certain situations, then it would work. If you don't give an explanation for it though, could be two different voices for the same character, and that would be jarring.
  7. Overall Generally, I liked it! The pacing was a bit off and I think it could be streamlined, but it flowed well otherwise and had reasonable tension. I'm looking forward to the conclusion now, although I'm still confused about the book and what having one's name in it means or doesn't mean. WRS? Agree! Also agree. Their sudden lack of agency and doing anything was weird. As I go - page 98: I do really love 'corpse witch' - Certainly, we’d have no time for calm discourse towards a logical conclusion. This is the most in-character line in the whole book, I feel like. It wraps your MC up perfectly - page 100: I think I would have liked a bit more of the plan go through his head before it went into action. It seems too abrupt as it is. - page 103: all the in the head business is slowing down the action. - solid ending!
  8. I want to state, for the record, that I am very concerned about the #idisagreewithmandamon Overall Well, I already have a stronger grounding in the world from this, and Oomph, which I appreciate. Unfortunately I think there are now too many characters being introduced too quickly. Agents have always told me that if you have multi POV books, that you introduce new POVs slowly. Give each of them a few chapters before you switch, to get people invested and make sure they don't gloss over names. I don't know if its because this is a first draft, but the voice and writing style come across as very young. Like, not even YA, but more MG even with the tone and the way the sentences are formed. Unsure if that was what you were going for or not. Generally, I think it's stronger for the third person, but edits will be needed. I agree with this as well. I'd like us to stick with F for a while. She (she? right?) was fairly dynamic As I go - page 4: as evocative as the smells descriptors are, it makes me not want to read more. The smell of burbs is a big turn off. It's sort of like an unlikable MC. It makes the reading less pleasant. - a lot of typos through here. Might be good to do an out-loud read through at some point to catch them - page 10: ooh, I like this much better description of Oomph! Much more succinct and makes so much more sense! - page 12: I'm still really confused as to the setting, and Goldapple doesn't seem to be a consistently written character - page 12: not the strongest end line here at the end of the chapter. I'm unclear on what the arc for the chapter was supposed to be. Was this meant as a stronger introduction to Oomph? If so, it worked, but I think the chapter still needs an arc - page 14: the descriptions of the two teenagers confuse me. One has a masculine face and a dress, but the other gets a neopronoun and nothing else? How does the protag know xe is nonbinary? What are the clues? - page 16: it seems really convenient that all the book copies were destroyed except one that they can get their hands on without too much trouble - there were too many new characters in chapter four, and I'm still not quite sure what is going on
  9. Hooray! Here for the finale! Overall This is the end? No final showdown with C? UNFAIR. Or if this isn't the end, well done with the tension. Definitely ready for the final battle! It was a reasonable reveal chapter, and I sufficiently hate the villain with all his coded language. I still get my hackles up about the othering of C, and think the narrative voice needs to do a better job of contradicting the villain. But that's relatively easy to do in edits. YES. Unless trying to purposefully use coded language for the villain, in which case race does the trick. I shudder. This exactly. I'd vote for corpse witch, or definitely 'the butcher of the corpse ship.' Both make my arm hair stand on end and are so deliciously descriptive. Agree. I think D is my favorite right now #iagreewithindustrialistdragon Ship butcher? Defiler of Corpses? Butcher of the Dead (oooh, yes, this one!)? Oh for sure, but the narrative has to showcase it's violent opposition to the bigotry at basically every opportunity. J recoiling is a start, but having C not be the lone person of color would be helpful, too. I love both of these ideas This is a tough one, because it's okay to have reminders that character A digs character B. It's another thing you can counter with authorial voice, if you'd like. Describing all the characters with their physical attributes (he was far too muscled for a musician, his shirt looked painted on) would then help balance a physical female description that was meant to be more sexual (her hands were strong, her hips looked stronger), etc. Because even when not here on the board, @industrialistDragon and I area always critiquing. I'm sorry for the delay in responding, but it looks like ID got to most of the talking points and it's all gone well. She and I are on the same page with this. I think the edits you've proposed sound excellent, and I think this will be a fantastic novella very soon. C is one of my favorite characters currently lurking on the forum, and I think she and Magda would have a resoundingly good time at a bar together. As I go - the 'black witch' thing is still problematic, I think. Maybe something more like 'ship-eating witch' or something? Color connotations are rough here, with her being basically the only character of color - page 92: when did C reject him? I don't actually remember that happening - this magical otherness that C's people are getting is also bothersome, especially the 'power to be feared' line - page 94: ooof with the racism of our villain. It'd be nice to see J recoil from it, maybe even face some of his own implicit bias. It's cool to have racist baddies, of course, but the narrative has to make it very clear that it isn't authorial voice. In this area you could do it by having J react to the words appropriately - wait... this is the end??
  10. Overall I like the idea behind the story, but I think the execution was off. The museum seems set in the past, almost, with the polish and the janitor, but then has keycard access (but not normal keycard access). The switch to first person in the last quarter also really threw me, and I'm not certain what the conclusion of the story was. So, good bones, but edits needed. The clues were okay, but they didn't drive me to any real conclusion. I still have no idea who did it. I had a similar issue. As I go - I don't think you can get away with ripping a famous opening line, no matter how cool - page 2: the museum doesn't have backup power?? - I'm having a hard time with a janitor being allowed to dust priceless art in a museum. That can't be how that works - page 3: LOL at 'stealing is wrong, or something' - page four: what kind of robber wears cufflinks to take stuff? That seems really stupid - page 6: is this just a really inept thief who steals priceless stuff with dirty hands? Don't they know enough at least to use gloves?? - page nine: wait, POV switch? Did we just got third person to first? What's happening? - very confused by the end
  11. Yes, I'm behind again. But not as behind as I used to be! Overall Generally, this was just fine. Pacing moved well and there were good narrative arcs. I'm still just not connecting, really, with the characters or their goals. This could be partly WRS, but I think is more that the issues I had with character connection and motivation from the first few chapters never got really addressed (for me), and that's traveling through to these later chapters. Same. A quick verbal pass would help catch those, if you had the time. Although reading to yourself, outloud, gets you weird looks in coffee shops. I am certainly not speaking from experience. This is also exactly my issue. I don't connect unless I get a memory job, but then the character slips away again almost as quickly as they came. Same. I don't know where the story is going, so it's hard to be invested in side adventures that do not appear to advance the narrative. With bigger space operas like this, I think third person is a great way to go. It gives you a lot more opportunity for worldbuilding, at least in my opinion #iagreewithrobinski In terms of shelving...I'd do the alternate POV or move it into third with multiple POVs, first. It has the makings of a reasonable space opera. I think first person present, with one POV, is really really limiting what you can do with it, though. As I go page 59: is it actually a room for a Spartan, or called the Spartan room, or is it just spartanly decorated? Capitalization potential misuse here - page 61: you've got a capitalized 'c' in croon that should be lowercase - page 61: chitin on stone, not of stone - page 62: how can our protag slither away? I thought the beetle thing had tentacles around a neck or something? Blocking is unclear - page 64: young tired? - page 64: Al has a 'her' pronoun at the end of the page which I assume is a typo? - page 65: even being called 'ladies' in jest could be really detrimental to a person. I'm surprised there isn't more emotional reaction to that - I do enjoy that ship name - page 73: yeah okay so if they actually make binders like this, fess up. I want one. - but doesn’t suffocate me like cheap fabric ones I used to wear OMG relate to this so much
  12. I think I did one sentence?
  13. Since I'm out of town, if you're willing, I say you do it! Should we all send your our little bio tag lines?
  14. I agree that ally is best, and impartial can be wonky since sometimes you have to come down on the side of non-bigotry. Once we have a combined version I'll do a more careful read through and then maybe we submit? I can submit it, if no one else wants to.