kais

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518 King's Wit

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  1. An interlude and chapter six. Chapter has become shorter in order to help with pacing, but otherwise it’s mostly the same as before. Pacing and age are the main concerns, as usual. Some changes have happened in earlier chapters, the most important at this point being that S is now the one who discovered how to make bone oil (pyridine), and shows R how to do it before they part ways (it’s plot relevant later). Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Thank you!
  2. Overall This chapter failed to really grab me. It had good points of tension in it, but I think it was bogged down by the 'wonder' aspect, that will likely only appeal to readers of the series. I think you could probably cut about half of this submission out and you'd have a pretty tight chapter. Yes. Although the attention span of adult readers can be just as short! LOL As I go - page four: so I appreciate the wonder, but we seem to be gliding only on that. There's tension missing. - maybe the chapter would be better served starting at the section break on page five? - page seven: I'd like a bit more time in our protag's head about how she things she's completely messed up by dropping the anchors. It's a good chance to build her age and inexperience, and it gets sort of skimmed over - page 10: the bit about making her stronger is fun! - page twelve: I like the poacher part. Adds some good tension - page 13: jellyfish in the underwear? So she's...squirming and screaming from being stung? I'm a bit lost here - page fifteen: anyone my age would have been able to hear it already. Does this need changed? Sam was, what, 19, when he heard it for the first time? And this girl is 12, we decided? - page 16: lol at the 'definitely a boy' comment. Very age appropriate
  3. Oooh, time travel! Fun! Overall Generally, I liked it a lot! I think some worldbuilding elements should come sooner rather than later, but as a start it's pretty solid and engaging! Nice work! As I go - really strong start. Generally starting off with a character being bored is a horrible start, but time travel is interesting, so I'm still engaged - page four: great tension but I'm wondering now...is the whole purpose of these time travelers to prevent untimely death? Does that not affect the greater world population somehow? I think a bit more worldbuilding might be in order. - page seven: ahhh, there's the limit to the magic! This might need to be mentioned earlier. Not in full, but some mention on the limits of the magic would be useful - page eight: I've lost a bit of respect for our lead, because I don't know what the consequences are for doing more than one reversal a day. That makes me think there are bad consequences, and she is screwing up someone else's life just to feel better about herself, which makes me not like her. Again, a little bit more worldbuilding might be needed here. Maybe just an indication that it's bureaucracy, or money, that keeps them from doing more than one reversal. Something that won't hurt anyone else. - the ending wasn't as sharp as it could be, I think. You might want to end the chapter a bit earlier, on a moment of higher tension
  4. Overall Good action and good tension! A lot of my issues come from WRS and the edits, I think, so generally I'll just say that I enjoyed this! This also occurred to me #iagreewithmandamon Yes please! As I go - page five: I'm unsure what M is doing. Did she take the gun? - page seven: I'm so unclear on why M is running. What is going on? This seems really illogical - page 8: you've got a 'to' instead of 'too' - LOL at the manual driving! - page 10: why do they have to get eighty? Why is the android so important? Is this WRS? - why did it take until page 11 for the immobilizer to work? Seems plot convenient - page 13: I am so confused about Q's family situation - why does Mor kill these women? Also unclear--missing villain motivations I think - page 16: I do just love M and her quips about Q's clothes - page 17: I appreciate Q's attempt to not gender the android!
  5. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Chapter five, with not much changed except M and S are now more antagonistic. Hopefully that works. My big concern is pacing, as always, and if S is still working as 17.
  6. If she's 14, I think you'll need to age her up again. 12 I could see, and yes, also bristling at girl, although now I'm trying to think if I cared about that at that age (gender aside). Hmmm. But 11 would be more believable yet. Just definitely not 14. 14 is a whoooole different level of snark.
  7. I'm not late! I'm.... behind. Sure. That's what I am. I blame Wizard World and the mechanical shark I certainly did not ride. Nope. Overall Much better! Good pacing, good action, and solid arc. Some quibbles below but otherwise I loved it! I had the same issue Also my question, As I go - I'm with M on this one. I don't understand Q's motivations for taking the case at all, and I think some internal dialogue from him would help that a lot. Also chafing from the 'lady' comment. Get him, M! - would love a bit more waxing from Q about his feelings on muscle-bound men - page 4: I'm confused. Earlier it sounded like he was riling M up on purpose, but now here it looks like more reaction? - the paragraph where Q talks about red-blooded women would be a good time to stick in something about red-blooded men, too, to keep him on brand - page 6: I'm surprised M doesn't think something more like 'he was straight until the first bit of skirt or firm backside walked by,' since she is always calling him on his closeted love of men - yeah okay, the M scene with the 'stripping' is much more teenage rebellion now. It makes me uncomfortable, but I can remember friends who would do that at that age so... probably appropriate. Also, she has Q as a role model so... - page ten: why is M cuffed? They haven't been charged with anything and that's a BIG no in Canada. If laws have changed it might be worth it to note that - dialogue is flowing a lot better than last time! - LOL @ maternity surplus - the plot has better form in this version, too! - good arc!
  8. I'd like to hop in for Monday as well!
  9. Overall As much as I personally want to know more about the walls, I'm not sure how gripping this would be for readers outside of the world (especially new MG readers). The MC doesn't really do much this chapter, and most of the events happen around her(?). I'd like to see her do more in the balloon during the trip to really hook me into the story, as well as more emotions about what they're likely to find. As I go - at least someone cares about where the canisters go! - end of page one: suggest cutting the trying to show him with her eyes, and the line about the darling, and swapping it with an eye roll and some fists clenched, then maybe looking down at her crotch (or something akin). Kids don't have the same issues with social stuff regarding genitals, especially when it comes to peeing. OR maybe she could just say, too loudly, "I HAVE TO PEE!" Which would also be appropriate - HAHA love the line before the section break! - I wouldn't line another line or two describing the specifics around the competitor being jailed - page four: I think the conversation in the above pages would work better if the girl found it on some parchment (the relevant info) from snooping or something. Right now she's just really passive, and I'd like to see her drive the narrative a bit more - page ten: probably WRS, but I'm having a hard time getting excited for reaching the wall. I don't really get a sense of excitement from the girl, either, until the last line in this section - page fifteen: so...is no one concerned with destabilizing the walls of the Net?? - confused about the 'don't call me girl.' She seems too young to demand being called woman (she's 10? 11?). Is she nonbinary? I thought she self-identified in chapter one as female, or at least, didn't react to female pronouns? I'm confused and I apologize if I assumed. It seems like this isn't age related though, since she didn't react to the 'little one' comment one page one, which I would think would rankle more than 'girl'. - page 18 and silly girl comment: I'm confused here. Was she just chastised?
  10. Okay, redundancy addressed! Moving on! I cleaned up the dialogue so its more clear what he's talking about Because I forgot! Aheh... We know a bit due to movement of chapters. This is a good one, too! Sorry for the confusion! I need to stop mucking about in early chapters! Agreed. I've tried to clean it and I cut a lot of the redundancy out. Hopefully this week's chapter reads smoother. Thank you for plodding through!
  11. No worries! I did a number of other edits to Ch1 aside from the bit I sent, to really hammer home the desire to get away, so I think it reads alright in the whole, if not the partial. I think it's the missing bits of chapter one coming into play now, but will revisit. I deleted this. Sorry! It's not just WRS, but the multiple rewrites. S goes to the guildhall next chapter now. Will rethink. Will clean up. More later... fight scene with tree is taking more time than I thought!
  12. Right? M is definitely a 'shut up and just do it' kind of person. Sorry, this is in edits I didn't submit back through. S determines in an earlier chapter that Mother is clearly late because the guild grandmaster, so it would make sense for her to now be running the guild. Or at least, makes sense in S logic. Yes, it's due to the earlier changes. Chapter before ended on a great deal of urgency with finding Mother to get the permission so S could start life, already! All the chapters have alchemical titles. Salt is for base matter or body, and in this chapter S has to deal with the change in body and 'base matter' between S and M. Or at least that's what I told myself in my head. They're there. You're right. I'll clarify. In early early versions S actually spoke with the guards and M never went to the guildhall, but I've changed things around a lot. I hope this gets dealt with next chapter (this chapter and the next used to be one chapter, but I split it due to YA having generally shorter chapters). Good point. Logic and all that. Will edit. Solid point, again. Will edit No, it's a slower reveal throughout the book, but starts being hit on next chapter. This is all correct, and I think it really comes out as the book progresses, that the decisions S's mom made might have been well intentioned, but were inevitably destructive. Yes. Next chapter should answer that very well. Thank you so much for the feedback! Always great to see you popping around the boards.
  13. Haha! Look at me, being all on top of this for once! (Really, it's just to keep me from obsessively stalking the AW forum for AR updates). I switched around some of the interludes and info around the earlier chapters. Sorry for that. Things keep getting shuffled. Ah. It's the very last sentence of the previous chapter. I suspect WRS. Check. Easy fix. Good point Not yet. They talk about it at the bar. Maaaaaagic. Or because the guild up and left when the grandmaster died and wanted to sell it to M, so it's all clean. Ah, the explanation is missing! Thanks for catching this! Actually, this line no longer works with how I have them interacting so I've cut it. I've got them a bit more antagonistic up front now, and S with more agency. I was hoping the busty bar maid in the next chapter explains that... Good call. Will edit. Thank you!
  14. Continuing on. Same issues to look for: age appropriateness (S is 17), and pacing not dragging.Last Time: S accepts an alchemical apprenticeship on the condition of approval from S’s motherThis Time: S heads to the Woodcutter’s guildhall to get need permissions, but finds a childhood friend insteadNext Time: S and M reconnect in a bar Please abbreviate all proper nouns Thank you!