king007

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About king007

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    Shadowmancer
  • Birthday 05/09/1993

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    Tunisia
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    Reading, writing, sports

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  1. I've been following this discussion and honestly it made me really sad. This thread was created for the purpose of bringing the members of Reading Excuses together. Before it, we mostly knew each other from the critiques that we exchanged. We didn't have a platform to express ideas related to writing outside critiquing, like @Mandamon has said. I thought creating this thread would make this place more fun to keep people submitting, and therefore enriching it. It's worth remembering that this is a sub-forum, not the whole thing. And its function is as a critiquing circle, not as a platform for discussing political issues. We have other forum sections for that, which are more suitable and better equipped for this kind of discussions. Although I find myself sympathizing with some of what you guys are saying here, I honestly cannot bring myself to take part in it, because that would only add salt to injury and betray the original theme of this sub-forum that I hold dearly to my heart. I implore you all to cease this quarrel and make peace with each other. Politics have invaded every part of our lives. We're already well exposed to it and its varying problems. It has divided us and made enemies out of us. We do not need to give it yet another tribune to spread its hatred. It's got plenty already. What we need is to safeguard this place as a safe haven from the bickering and fighting. A place where we all come together in peace to celebrate our shared love for writing.
  2. Hiya! I've decided to keep reading till reaching your last chapter before giving critiques, as I'm seeing that the rest of the members have already covered all that's on my mind. I just wanna say that you should definitely include this chapter earlier. You can say it hooked me way better than the past chapters. I'm now more invested in the story. Must keep on reading!
  3. Hey, this is me continuing the ride. Here are my thoughts as I was reading. p.3: “Every yard she had to move it forward then pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move bucket; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move bucket; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; pinch, drop; move the storming bucket. storm! » Although I found the punchline at the end quite funny, reading those short verbs over and over again was tiring. I already knew what you were getting after reading the repetition for about the third time, you had already started making your point by that time. But nice touch nonetheless, it was funny :) « She re-tucked the habit, sure that nuns only wore black because it was slimming, and was bending forward again when a flash of white caught her eye. » I’m not sure if the underlined sentence really fits here. The comedy in it seems a little forced and brusque. Perhaps if you would change its place, or give it full attention rather than putting it in the middle of two sentences. p.4: “Moth gaped in surprise. Her mentor was crying. Her open mouth closed, her lips moving into a sly smirk.” I read this over and over again till I figured out you were talking about Moth and not about the mentor. “Moth made her way inside and through the cool dimness of the convent to the stairs.” The underlined part made it difficult for me to grasp the meaning. “Moth made to the stairs” is the shortest version. The sentence makes sense by using “made” and “to” together, but when one separates them this much, one could lose the meaning or forget how they started the sentence and have to look back. “It was all Moth could do not to bang on the old, plain wood, but would attract attention, so she tapped, four times.” I had trouble with this one as well. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m not native or because it’s genuinely confusing. p.5: ‘ “Toni was here,” was all that Giulia said.’ I’d argue that the underlined part is unneeded and actually ruins the tone of finality with which Giulia spoke. Since we’re reading a dialogue, we already know it’s all what she said because her speech ended there. Not only that, but this could be confusing since she continues speaking afterwards. p.6: I’m wondering why did Moth think she would have fun upon seeing her aunt crying. She seems to care about her. p.8: “but the terrible thing about memories was, no matter how horribly they hurt, she would have killed anyone who tried to take them from her. Forget all the stupid chores and rituals, her memories were her penance, her pain and her treasure.” Got surprisingly too deep there for a second. I wasn’t aware Moth carried this much pain in her, and I’m not sure this was the right time to introduce me to the whole lot of it. I wasn’t ready. ‘ “Someone,” Moth mumbled. “You have to be a someone to send someone else.” ‘ I realize you’re talking about the bot, but the way you phrased it, you could also be talking about La Madre Superiora. p.9: Whenever I read “habit”, I had to make the conscious effort of understanding it as a monk dress and not as a tendency or usual practice. Maybe it’s because this is the first time I encounter its other meaning, but it would have made reading easier if it was written as robe or garb. The same thing with “tissue” actually, I wasn’t always sure what you referred to. Was it a paper tissue or an actual cell tissue, especially when you described fluids and what not? p.12: “I said I would ask, storming Eight-ball.” hahaha lol “Starting tomorrow morning, Angelika. Try to listen, to hear what He says. It might help if you let Him help you.” I’m not sold on the capitalization of “he” and “him” as a clue that she was talking about God. It’s not evident at all, especially when she hadn’t mentioned him until now, using a pronoun nonetheless. Overall, I quite liked this chapter. I like Moth and I find her hilarious. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapters, and seeing how this story is going to evolve. That said, I can’t help but say that I had to look up the dictionary for a lot of words. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or a bad one, or if it’s just my vocabulary to blame. But I sure did learn a whole new set of words
  4. This is something I wrote the other day on the spur of a moment as I was listening to music. Reading Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, I realized I'm just way off mark when it comes to description. That's why I've been trying to up my game in that department. I hope I've been making progress, and I await your highly appreciated critiques. *SPOILER ALERT: this contains spoilers for season 6 of Game of Thrones. If you don't want to read that, don't open the spoiler inside this one.
  5. Here are my thoughts as I'm reading: ======== I take a long pause considering and re-reading the first sentence. I give up and continue reading the second phrase. Compared to this one, the first seems weak and lost. I'd have loved it more if it was phrased along the lines of : "Galaxies, emitting light ..., hypnotize me." I like the opening segment of the astronaut. It's intriguing. "feeling the stone's cold touch on my skin" doesn't really evoke an image in mind. It's just a piece of information that you hand me. How about relaying this information more personally like for example: "I squeeze the smooth, heart-shaped rock in my hand, and its coolness gently nips/pinches my skin." See the difference? "I clench my hand so tightly that my knuckles turn pale." I honestly don't like the "that" here as a transition between clauses. It sounds too textbook. You could also remove "so" and use "and." "A silent blur of white alerts me to transport pods whizzing by on magnetic rails to my right." I don't know why exactly, but this sentence was hard to read and understand. I rephrased this bit of text for stronger impact: “I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. The Aphroditian sun is gleaming above the high walls of surrounding buildings. I pause, shrouding the light with my hand. The sun will soon go to hiding, and the darkness will overwhelm this place." "...oozing out of their pockets that they could pay..." Once more, I'm put off by the use of strict academic style. "You know what light speed travel does to you, right?" This reply and the one that follows are redundant. We already established what time travel does to you in the astronaut segment. Plus it's a wildly known fact. Instead of laying it out explicitly like that, you could have incorporated it in the following rant of Apollo. ' “You do the work of drones and satellites, Jason.” Apollo smiles teasingly, but it only makes me want to scrub out the mirth on his face. “Your role is hardly unique.” This clause ruins the rhythm of what Apollo is saying. You can incorporate that feeling in the next sentence. « I study Apollo’s expression, trying to see past flesh and into the gears of his mind I wish I could wipe that grin out of his face. I didn’t ask to be unique. » The first part is too deep. “And is that why you were friendly to me?” I say. “ Was it out of pity?” Unnecessary. “ Even if you don’t realize it yet, there’s nothing worse than being truly alone lonely. » Apollo leaves. I’m satisfied with this part. I loved the dialogue. It was authentic and engaging. However, I was just left with a bit of confusion: why was Apollo accompanying Jason? I get now that he was just walking him to his apartment. But I sure would’ve loved it more if I knew this from the start. I thought they were out in a mission together or something. I like how you described his confusion upon seeing the woman. You knew how to relay his emotions. I’m not buying the whole calendar thing. I mean, couldn’t they have communicated while he was away? Was this technology unavailable? How can that be? “After clutching the small stone curled between my fingers for so long, I almost forgot that it was ever there. » I like how you went back to the stone. I love small details like this one. « Whenever I’m with Rose, I feel like a robot. » Where did this come from ? It put me off honestly. “Life have has been rough ever since you left. » « Rose rolled up her left sleeve, and I see scars littered around her wrist. » I don’t think someone, who went through so many suicide attempts, can just come clean about it all, as simply as that, to someone they hadn’t seen for years, even if they were siblings. It’s too painful to even think about, let alone share it out loud. Jason’s first reaction to the scars can’t be farther from authenticity, they’re almost hilarious. I reach the end. My impression is that, while the part with Apollo seemed down-to-earth and relatable, the last part was rather rushed and cartoonish in my opinion. ======== For the most part, I found this submission beautifully written, especially the dialogue between Jason and Apollo, and also quite intriguing at parts. Other than that, Jason’s feelings could use some more fleshing out, as they were surprising, at times, as well as confusing. Keep up the good work!
  6. I love it ! I found it engaging and wanted to read more. But just for the sake of giving a good critique, I can notice one thing that could use some editing: " Don’t you want someone standing over you in a hundred years feeling some regret? " when I read this, I stopped a bit and reread it twice to make sure I'd gotten the meaning right. What gave me pause was that I didn't quickly figure out who was feeling regret in Quirk's context, and also "regret" didn't quite register with me as the correct feeling to have at a funeral. This feeling seems more about one's self than others. Well, other than that, everything was lovely to me. This made want to continue reading from where I left off at chapter 2
  7. Hi Robinski, I thought I might do a critique of your latest submission but then I thought better of it because I don't like starting a story from the middle. So I decided to go through it from chapter 1. I'm not sure if my critique will be of any importance, as you've already gotten so many (I haven't read any of them yet), but I thought you might appreciate another reader's review. I'll be giving you first my overall impression, and then you'll find some thoughts I wrote as I was reading. Overall, these two opening chapters did not succeed in grabbing much of my interest. A reason for that might be that most of the submission focuses on describing Milan and outlining the world instead of letting me get to know Quirk and what's so special about him. I finished the chapter only having one impression of him: that he's obsessed with fine clothing. Personnally, I generally care about the specifics of the world, only because I care about a character in it and how they interact with it. I should add that I disliked how nothing is happening in this chapter apart from the envelope drop. Now one last thing, and I'm not too well-versed in this, but I can't help shake the feeling that this submission was more telly than showy. That's it overall. I look forward to reading the next chapter and getting to know more of where the story is going. I feel I'm going to like Quirk more as I move forward. Scattered Thoughts: The part where you explain that transporting mass costs money, just after saying that the man was tapping on a virtual keyboard, just seems off to me. I felt like I was reading an article rather than a novel there for a second. Also I felt like you kinda forcefully injected that information about money and mass. I didn't like reading the numbers attached with "Pantone" Finishing the first two pages, I must say that I wanted more interaction between the robot and the doctor. Just reading a long monologue by the android was a mix of confusion and slight disinterest. The bit about the whale's colon seemed convoluted. I can't imagine any person thinking of a whale's colon in that situation. And why a whale exactly? Any colon would be hot and tight with no good exit at the end. I don't appreciate the narrator's foul language. I'm finding Quirk's obsession with his clothes off throwing. I don't like the dialogue with the woman. It sounded kinda forced. Could have been more clever.
  8. I did a continuation of the previous paragraph, and I'm thinking of sharing it with the members of my English club. I'm doubting that I'm going overboard with metaphors here but I could be just overthinking it. I could use a writer's thoughts on this. Thanks.
  9. Thanks for your input Robinski. I'm glad you liked it. Description is a weakness of mine, and the fact that I managed to evoke a clear image in your mind, means a lot! Yes, I did mean "aching" hair. Instead of saying "greying" or "aging", I thought this word would paint the hair as ill and dying, which ultimately conveys the same image but in a different less used way. I'm not too sure now though. Thank you for pointing out all the small details. As a non-native speaker, you can't imagine how I appreciate that!
  10. Hi, I sometimes find myself writing a few lines of text on the spur of a moment, without really coming back to them. Sometimes they're beginnings to a story, or a cool description I thought of, or a witty dialogue piece that came to mind. After I'm finished, I often feel like sharing what I wrote with others to get their impressions. The problem is I don't know where to post these short "breezes of text". And I don't want to open a whole thread or send an email over only a handful of words. So I thought of making a thread where we can all post our own sweet little breezes So, if you want to share little snippets you wrote and see what others think, here's the place for that in Reading Excuses. I think it's obvious that we should keep the lengths of texts we share to a reasonable limit It should also be said that in this thread we're not expecting careful analyses from readers, your honest impressions are more than sufficient. I guess I'll lead by example and post my own piece of text in this wonderful spoiler container that I made. Have at it!
  11. - I liked the constant switching of viewpoints (is that the correct term?). I felt like this increased the pace of the story, which helped paint the picture of urgency that you tried to convey. I felt curious about knowing the end. - At some point, the main character is banging herself against a door, and we don't get a sense that she's hurting from doing this. I mean, try doing this yourself. It really hurts, especially if the door is metal which we don't know about in this context. - I found the writing mostly fluid, and suitable for the world you're describing, if that makes any sens. - I may just be wrong here, but why are the halls so long and featureless. What would be the benefit of building halls like that? Wouldn't that be a waste of space? Also doors leading to other halls? Why? I don't understand, but then again I don't know much about architecture.
  12. Hello guys, it's been a long while, since I last posted. I've been lurking around in the shadows, but didn't really have anything to submit or say. I'm posting now because I need your help with something I'm not familiar with. But, before that (note my use of suspense ), I want to congratulate those of you who have made progress in their writing careers. I wish you greater and continued continuing success. Now, getting to my point, I'm trying to organize a short-story writing competition at my university. I don't really know much about these competitions: their formats, how they're judged, how to verify authentic submissions from plagiarized ones, etc. So, it'd be great if you could give me a rundown of what I should do, and what I should definitely avoid. You could also refer me to renowned competitions I could learn from. Thanks! P.S: continued v.s continuing, what's the difference? Which is more suitable in the example above? I'm opting for the latter. And let's not forget "continual" and "continuous."
  13. Welcome, looking forward to reading your submissions
  14. Hey, welcome to RE and congratz on your first submission! Positive points: - Mostly easy to read and follow. - For me, the relation between the MC and Tess added some freshness to the story which kept me going. - The tension in the MC's mind is established well enough, but could be better. Negative points: - That logger came out of no where. What's his role exactly in the whole story? He's only used as a lazy way to introduce the characters to the possibility that Gemel might still be alive, and to showcase the ending. - Even though I could feel the tension in the MC's mind, I still wasn't convinced by his motive to keep chasing the wolf even at the risk of losing his life. Maybe expanding on that point with more clever or emotional reasoning could do the trick. - Even for a short story, the plot is quite flat and isn't really interesting. Maybe a better exposition, or higher stakes, or more attachment to the characters would make it more so. - The ending is so cliched. It was rather expected. We're used to these kinds of twists. Overall, I like your writing. It felt vivid and energetic. I was a bit interested in the story at the beginning. But when we reached Gemel's death and the logger turned out to be completely irrelevant, I lost interest. Good luck on your next submissions!