Majestic Fox

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About Majestic Fox

  • Birthday 09/18/1985

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    Newcastle, UK

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  1. Sign me up for next week along with Robinski please Silk.
  2. Massive thanks for all those comments @Robinski, @Mandamon, @mrwizard70, @kais and @industrialistDragon Your encouragement helps keep me going through the first draft, and your feedback will be really useful for the second draft. Much obliged.
  3. This is the first part of chapter two (second part coming next week). Interested to know your moment by moment feelings. Please ignore any typos and little things...those will all be sorted on a later draft. Also interested to know where you think the second half of the chapter will go (or where you hope it will go). Thanks in advance!
  4. Haha! That's funny. Ahh, sorry! Sorted now. It's the characters names - they're just so typeable.
  5. Ahh, we’re back with Q, M and E. Marvellous. There’s some good stuff in here, though it dragged a little for me, especially in the middle - mainly due to the lack of conflict I think. There’s also a lot of naval gazing / or Q’s thoughts on stuff, some of which was engaging, some of which less so. For example… RT Cafe - Haha. I like it. (E. didn’t count, as androids weren’t on the payroll) - Pretty funny. Also I first thought that it broke POV a little, but perhaps it's on me, the reader, to imagine Q think that in the scene TF had a lot to answer for, and he had done, by getting assassinated. Haha! guardian of the irrepressible Miss M - Great. I'm riveted. ...derived through modern Latin to mean... Hahah, I love how E is prattling on here. M's reaction feels like a bit of a missed opportunity for humour / character...(if it was harsher / more insulting, perhaps) those violet android eyes - Bit OTT for me in this context, reads as borderline poetic. especially now he wasn’t dangling two thousand metres above the lunar surface on the end of the android’s arm - Cool. M snapped her fingers. “You’re really out of it today. Stay with the programme, will you? We need to make tracks. Calgary... Feels like M is forced into explaining stuff here by your choice to pull the 'snap out of it' trick. And it's a slight deviation from my idea of who she is. Hmm.. would Q rather be alone than with M? ...ah, maybe not...*perception modified*. Isn’t there something more exciting, like foiling a plot to invade Iceland? M feels less distinct. She's lost some of her attitude, it feels like to me. . But wait, there he was going all soft and parental again. Something feels a bit odd there's too much telling, perhaps. Or that bit of telling is abrupt / jarring. What do you think? Filigreed - hahah, excellent choice of word for Q A small hand slammed down on the table. “I said, what about this new one? That’s three times you’ve played this trick. You can have it once, maybe even twice. But not three times. “I bet things have chilled out. Don’t be a scum-sucker, Q. Take the job.' Better. Feels more like the Moth that's been introduced to me in Chapter 1. “I won’t put you in harm’s way, M. I can’t.' - Boring? Too parental? Maybe I would think differently if I understood the danger, perhaps (Book 2 syndrome?) P10... I'm a little bored. They did the town museum, the candle factory, the brewery tour and the wildlife centre. That was pretty much it. Feels a bit sad. Dreary. Why? P11.. Skim reading...get me to the good part.. Q scowled at her... Why? Can't imagine a teenager like M saying 'compote'...wouldn't she just give a one more answer? M gives her the finger - Oh..she's mocking the waitress. Good. That's more like it...but we're still just in this cafe. I need more than that. We’re totally detectives. I’m learning in the school of life. Good...more attitude / feels realistic, but I wish she'd be more brazen, insulting his suggestion More 80 please. Keep forgetting he's there. A- grades... this is good, but would have worked much better for me if it were contrasted against a more callous, teenage M, like the one that burst through the roof window at the end of Chp 1. Tha’s fawking boo rust. Icecream. hahah. That's more like it. Contrasts against Q so much more. M's talking about Shakespeare...thought she wasn't bothered about him. Wish she was more curt. I feel like she’s too forthcoming with her words. Ah, 80 has pipes up a bit now. Would be funny if his programming wasn’t quite right…inconsistent chattering. Why does 80 speak in a posh manner? Has Q programmed him that way? What would M think about that? , but spraying droplets of ice-cream over the table’s laminate top... Hahah. Like it. pre-programmed chortle. Lol Ending is decent Yes, M. does feel a bit different. She's too forth coming with her words. Q is the verbose one right? And 80. Well, Verbose might incorrect, but I like her best when she's rude and curt. This whole scene could come to life if you put them in a dangerous situation…or some other edgy context. I think the problem is they’re basically just sitting in a café the whole chapter and nothing really happens. You can get away with that, but the quality character interaction and depth of insight into who they are better be extremely good from beginning to end. Why are they in this dreary place? What does the setting do for your story? How does it riff against or illuminate the characters?
  6. This is well written, and once again there are some great moments in this chapter. My overwhelming response was What? Where's Q and M? Bring them back immediately. Moment by moment: Kind of odd that F withholds info from the P info 'You'll know when the time comes.' By page 4 I'm really wondering what all this has to do with the Q and M stuff I read before. Partly because the tone feels different. This is a bit more like House of Cards or something. She wondered, as she had begun to do more often now, how she had lost her independence, her ethics, her pride. Now I'm interested. P5.... the rapid dialogue is pulling me along nicely. I'm skimming over the time/date/location things now....hope there's not critical information nestled in here He really would have enjoyed boning her; he was sure of it. Hahah, I like it. This kind of directness is refreshing to read, and gives the prose attitude He only had to mouth the word... Wow, that's kind of surreal. Unnerving. The fact he's a century plus old is good / realistic for this near future stuff...not super unique but makes me trust the writer a bit more P7... Man, I need me some Q... Tania had a habit of mussing it up when they… negotiated over the energy budget hahaha! Niflheim eh? Hope that norse mythology will be interlaced into the story in some profound, intelligent way (but that's just my preference..) P8 'Dammit' - Felt abrupt and forceful with the close third limited. Nordic cheekbones - haha P8 some pithy writing here...enjoying the last para (but don't let that stop you from replacing it all with Q browsing a worsted magazine) P9 - I feel mild interest, mostly pulled along by the good writing So pronounced were the tops of their spines that the bony ridge stretched the sick-looking hide - Good description. The bit before helps me imagine them in their surroundings... The three remaining examples of Doctor Terjesen’s spotted hyena / bull shark concoction had calmed now, and sulked on the other side of the glass, snapping idly in their direction and occasionally at each other .. I think this is a good tether the subjects into the surrounding environment before going into more fine-grain description. Good work. Because what did you do if you did not possess a handy block of amber holding a Cretaceous mosquito conveniently imbued with the DNA of a vel. Haha, but isn't this breaking your close third limited pov for the sake of humour? Jurassic Park can't be that timeless can it? Tania practically swayed in time with the velociraptors’ measured movements as they regarded the humans. This is engaging. Good example of 'showing', in contrast to 'telling' in the paras above, which were less good. that natty little unit packing some clever wireless tech and a shot glass-worth of C4 - Haha He seemed to be trying a nonchalant half-smile, but only managed serial-killer feigned amiability. Brilliant. This is a really effective and creative way of communicating the character's physical reaction. It's funny and clever, and in POV. Great job. The loss gave Eve a hollow, melancholic feeling in her gut that she had come to enjoy along with a glass of Scotch and Tania curled up next to her, their ice cubes tinkling in time. Yes. More brilliance. Just keep being brilliant. In summary, great writing but give me Q and M back.
  7. Interesting. I thought I was being heavy handed on the motivation.
  8. In that case @Robinski, allow me to say thank you very much for the kind offer. That's really generous. Let's chat by email.
  9. Sign me up again please Silk. I have the wind at my back!
  10. Please ignore grammar and typos. Feedback on emotional response is more useful : ) Note for rewrite: the gateways stuff at the end will be foreshadowed earlier in the chapter. Cheers!
  11. Hahah, your hesitation is justified. I think you know I'm liable to spend way too long on word-smithing sentences. My internal editor / perfectionist doesn't need much of an incentive to grab the reigns and grind things to a halt. Also, does LBLs mean Line By Lines? Totally agree. Pretty sure I agree with this as well. I'll add to the 'Changes for Rewrite' list. Good point. Hm, not certain which bit your thinking about exactly, but sounds like it needs some clarity. By the way, thanks everyone everyone for the positive words - for me, they're just as useful as the critiques, on the first draft at least : )
  12. Great comments, thanks all. Yes, I promise to keep going forward haha. Thanks for the encouragement to keep on with the momentum. It helps.
  13. @Robinski Ah, well *scratches head* that last submission was only a third of the chapter...chapter one will be about 8,000 words I think, so if I can average 1k words per day I'll manage to submit...chapter...1...of the novel I've spent a frightening amount of time working on. *Majestic Fox desperately clings to the little scrap of momentum he's accumulated, his dog eared, weather worn scarf flapping in the wind.*
  14. Sign me up for next Monday please Silk. A complete chapter will be delivered.
  15. First off, thanks for the excellent feedback on previous submissions. It's really useful and I've taken it on board. And yes, I've re-written the first chapter (as I seem to enjoy doing), including changes to the beginning, not major changes, so if you're bored to tears with this then feel free to jump past the grey text to where the major changes do kick in. Apologies in advance - this one will surely be riddled with typos and possibly missing paragraphs of description, but there you go, this is what I managed to produce. What I'm looking for: If it's really not working for you, please refrain from mentioning that (haha). If you thought previous drafts worked better, please don't mention that either. It's the last thing a perfectionist like me needs to hear. I'm sticking with this more starting again (though no promises)