rdpulfer

Hello everyone, I'm BAAAACK . . . . I haven't read the previous chapters, but I figured I'd just jump right in. - I liked the opening from Mandamon (Hey, I know that guy!) Feldo was a bit wondering, but I did like the sentiments. - I really glad to be reading this series again. I just love the setting and the world. - "She, Sam, Rey, and Majus Cyrysi were tucked away . . . " It might be better to write that she was tucked away with Sam, Rey and the Majus. - Really liked Enos' reaction to Inas' absence and potential situation. It really builds suspense and emotional stakes. - I also like Enos' reaction to Sam's anxiety. - I love Majus Ayama cutting through all the tension with the line "We are trying to save your brother, last time I checked." - "She'd—tentatively—given him some pointers, since they were spending more time together now." - I don't think the hyphens are necessary. - "Beside him, Rilan’s apprentice popped up as if her pants had caught fire." I just really liked this image. Overall, I really liked this chapter. I've just jumped into this story, but I'm already invested in a number of subplots and I want to see what happens next - good job!

- I like the opening lines, just dropping us into the middle of the story, post-nightmare. - "Where else can you go to find shelter from the Devil?" A church immediately spring to mind, which makes it kinda weird that he's going to a park instead. - Why does Michael have a wooden sword? Does he practice martial arts? Otherwise, it feels like a weird thing for a person to have. - I figured Suzie was already dead, but it feels unnecessarily ambiguous in this setting. It's something you probably have to come out and say one way or the other. - It's a good story, but I kept thinking of "The Number 23", that movie with Jim Carrey. Not sure if it's what you were going for.

- Her motivation for leaving alchemy is all three but I feel like it needs to be built up in the previous chapters. It feels a little weird Magda is just asking this now. - I like the tension between Sameer and Sorin. - And I really like the whole conflict with the lake, though the timing feels a little bit too coincidental this occurs right after Sorin and Magda discuss her feelings on alchemy. - Okay, I liked the ending and the revelation for Sorin. I agree that it needs some expanding - it lacks the impact of the rest of the chapter because Sorin is telling the reader how she feels rather than telling someone like Magda - but the rationale behind it really does work.

- "Known to his friends as Rey" - seems a bit expository. Maybe use it in dialogue so it doesn't stick out so much? - I liked the idea of the Majus rodent problem. - I like that he has to complete his task without killing the creature - this adds more difficulty. - I like the climax - as well as the sense of danger throughout the actions. - Overall, I thought this was a fun story. It felt much improved from its predecessor. Good work!

Thanks Robinksi!

Thanks for the feedback @TKWade AND @kais It sounds like the characters need some work. Marlene is definitely intended as a farm girl who can hold her own, but I think I need to work on Joe a bit more. It sounds like they both need some fine-tuning.

- I really like Sorin fuming about the witch. It shows more personality in the character. - Good description, especially of the beauty and terror of the ice. - Ewww frozen snot! - I like the tension between Sorin and Sammer. - I really liked this chapter - the character, the interaction, the humor. I really don't have any notes other than that.

- I'm actually of the opposite mind - a lower competency makes a character more sympathetic, at least in my mind, unless he/she somehow uses that competency in a way the audience finds sympathetic. - I agree you've made the stakes more concrete, but I think it might be good to reinforce that. Try sprinkling in these memories of his old life and what's keeping him away through the story so readers can pick up on it easier. - Overall, it's a good story. The ending feels a bit abrupt and vague to me, but I think it's a good start.

Hello all, Some of you have already read this particular story. Since then, I've done a lot of polishing and received some pretty "positive" rejection letters. The last one mentioned inconsistent POV and lack of character depth. I'd be curious to know what you guys think.

- "the thumb of the Arbiter cannot be escaped" sounds passive and awkward. - I like the intrigue, and the action as it goes from plot point to plot point. - The priest's reaction is a bit one-dimensional, if that matters. - It might be good for us to actually meet Warren, even if it's in a small flashback, to establish his character, instead of Rowan randomly describing them after his betrayal. - The ending feels a bit muddled. Maybe it's because of the confusion Rowan is supposedly feeling, but it doesn't work for me for some reason - it feels a little too short.

Thanks @kais I'm working on bringing out the technology more in the subsequent drafts. I also removed the toll road complication and just made more about taking away drivers' choices.

If there's room next week, I have a second version of a short story I did way back I'd like to submit, but if more than five people volunteer, I'm perfectly willing to drop out since this would be my third week submitting.

- I like the confrontation between Sorin and Magda - and how she feels like a child facing against a full-grown royal daughter. Good observation. - "I don't have time to deal with a witch, either." - Seems like it might be an unrealistic expectation. Generally speaking, witches aren't bound to convenience - Also seems a bit unrealistic that Sorin just happens to "forget her place" after so intense a confrontation. - I do like the intensity of the witch's words building up the tension. - "Thousands of ways to die on a glacier." I want to like this line. It sounds cool, but it doesn't make sense to me. I can see this being true in the woods or a city, but a glacier, it seems like the only threats are the cold, starvation and . . . i don't know . . . polar bears? I like this excerpt. The plot seems to moving mostly, and I like how the characters are clicking.

Thanks a lot @Robinski. Your feedback is going to be super-helpful when I get to it. I've taken out the data cubes. They were only just a means to an end, and so far as I can tell their removal doesn't make a big impact on the story when they are removed. As of my latest revision, her father is an engineer (who thinkers with cars on the side), and is proofing some algorithms for Alice.

Thanks @industrialistDragon

Thanks for all the help so far. I've been revising the story based on the feedback from @TKWade and @aeromancer so far (as well the some bits with overlap with @industrialistDragon I kinda had a feeling I'd have to revise the bit about the data cubes. Those were mainly just a means to an end to get her to interact with her father. But really anything can go in that space, so I just need to find something that fits with his mechanic skills more. I'm also working on explaining the problem and the solution a bit more. I did want to add that, according to some of my research, driving habits - like timidity and aggression - is actually responsible for a lot of the traffic jams, and there is doubt self-driving cars can completely eliminate the congestion. Thanks for the feedback again. I'm steadily working through everyone's suggestions - and I really appreciate all the help.

Hello all, This is a submission for a contest. The theme is making cities more cleaner and climate-friendly, so I went to self-driving cars. What I'm interested in: 1) Does the story work? Why or why not? 2) Does the story work for the theme? Why or why not? 3) Anything else you feel like pointing out. Thanks a lot!

Interlude II - I like the interaction between Sorin and Magda. I really didn't see anything strange about their conversation, given how close they are. - I did feel the "favorite story" was a bit of an excuse for info-dumping, and it felt a little boring compared to the actual character interaction. Interlude III - I like the tension between Sorin and her mother. - I wanted a little more reaction from Sorin's mother after she tries to barter with her. The lack of reaction kind of deflates the tension, because you know she's going to pretty much ignore Sorin's requests from then on. Interlude IV - This is definitely the best use of escalating tension that, well, escalates. I didn't really have any problems with it. Good job!

- I actually like a "failing man's cry". I think qualifying it as "half" is the first problem. The second problem is it could use some descriptions, particularly in the second part of the sentence to reinforce it. - What are "silvered bees"? What does silver sound like? Do you mean shivered bees or is this a world-specific term. Either way, it's confusing. - I do like the action of the first paragraph. I like that our first image of the protagonist is him epically failing at something. - I can't really see sprites damning anyone. You might need a better action word for a sprites' curse.(unless you meant spirits all along, which makes a bit more sense). - The ending feels a little abrupt. I'm curious where it's going, but Landon's last line doesn't feel like the best place to end a chapter.

Hey Robinski, Mind of I put my name in the hat for next week? I have another short story I'd like to workshop if it's cool.

No problem, Mandamon - I've always liked the Symphony stories, so I know I'm getting something really awesome

- I agree there's a lack of tension. I think it starts to go sideways when you mention the rat problem. It doesn't seem like there's much stakes to solving this problem, and Rey is pretty dismissive of the rat for the most part. Since he doesn't care too much, we don't. - As always, I like the idea of the Symphony and I especially like seeing this magic system in action. - Maybe the issue is the try/fail cycle itself. Rey tries something, and it doesn't work - but it in most stories, such a failure has some consequence. There's very little consequence of that failure here other than Kheena's rebuke. Maybe the lack of barrier could cause the rat to do more damage somehow? - Rey's a fun character to read about, and definitely very easy to relate to.

Thanks Kais. This was my first attempt trying to whittle down a planned novel into a short story. It clearly needs some fine-tuning

- I like the few lines, but I don't think Pennice blindsiding the main character works. You start with "A man walks into a bar", not "two men walks into a bar", so you're intentionally withholding the information and confusing the reader there. - Good job introducing the setting through very brief mentions - the wand, the carriage, etc. - The line them being the heroes seems a bit heavy-handed, and not particularly meaningful since it lacks the context. - The action really works, but the ending seems a bit forced. The tension between Chari and the main character isn't really resolved, and there's no real conclusion, just "this is what we do" and then off to the next adventure. It needs something that marks this as the conclusion of this particular segment in a satisfying way (I know this is a bit hypocritical coming from me after my submission last week ) - Overall, good job on this story - I think it needs a little tightening but I think it's still a good one!

Thanks @industrialistDragon Someone gave me the idea of starting a novel premise as a short story, so this is a first attempt at that - and a rough one at that. It seems that it still needs a little work (okay, a lot of work). I appreciate the note on the military jargon. I've been trying to depict it as accurate (I don't have any military experience, so it's amounted to a ton of research on my part). However, it's clear I've gone a bit overboard in that department. The 1st/3rd shifts are unintentional - leftovers from a previous draft, so it looks like I have so more work to do there. Thanks again for everyone's feedback.