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About rdpulfer

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    Writing, Comic Books, lots of reading when I have time.

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  1. - I like a lot of the description in the first couple of pages. Good job setting up the scenes, even if not much happens. - "Get you blokes anything?" This feels a little out of character given the South American setting. - I like the set-up, and Quirk's character. It's a little slow going, but the dialogue makes it fairly breezy.
  2. - "I'll remember to say hellos when you remember goodbyes" - I like what this line is trying to accomplish, but it feels a bit awkward. - It would have been good to know what Whispers were when Lillium first mentioned them instead of on the second page later. - That said, I like the idea of Whispers quite a lot. - The ending is too abrupt. I like the conversation is supposed to end abruptly, but it would be good to see the character's response as well.
  3. - I like the opening and establishing the characters, but one character asking another "what do you want out of life" seems potentially a little too . . . maid-and-butlerish? Like it seems like a cheap way to introduce a character's motivations, especially so early on. - The concept of the gates needs a little bit of work. It feels like the invasion happens way too soon - before the reader has got their bearing. - I do like the overall plot - and especially how they are taken prisoner by a kid. - Again, I like the idea of a reluctant magic enforcer and the characters. It feels like you are just rushing too quickly to get to the plot, and you might need a chapter or two to get readers familiar with just the basic before launching headlong into the plot.
  4. - I really like the subtitle "A Moth and Quirk Debacle". - Great description throughout. I love the line "Even the moon was warmer." - Although I like the Tom Selleck reference, it goes back to an earlier criticism - would people in the future still remember Tom Selleck? - I also love the last line of a chair "unapologetically" exploding.
  5. - "waist-high blackberries" sounds like they are actually standing in literal berries. Maybe describe the plants themselves? - I like the interaction surrounding Magda and Sorin and the girl. - And I also like the gut punch of the ending. It makes me really interesting to see what happens with these characters going into the climax - and what was become of them.
  6. - The first line could be a bit tighter, maybe "Morning brought sun, but not heat." - I like that Sorin is struggling to throw off alchemy, even by just noticing what the fungi. It's a really subtle take on temptation. - I also really like the stinger at the end.
  7. - The sense of urgency is really working in the opening scene, and I love the interplay between Eight and Quirk. - Is it possible for someone to be greedy with an oxygen unit? I'm not sure I could see the receptionist calling her on it. She might say something more formal, like "Only one per person!" - The last paragraph of the first chapter seems a bit confusion. What is Quirk fearing the ground won't do when he trails off? - I like the last interplay between Quirk and Moth - and the Star Trek reference to boot. I'd definitely like to see these characters in another adventure!
  8. - Callan's fight with Batra and his crew is a little too short. I think it needs to be closer, more intense. - I love Quirk and Eight's exchange, but I think it could still use some dialogue tags. Usually you can tell one from another, but they both have an understated sarcasm that makes it hard to distinguish without tags. - I like when Quirk and Eight finally catch up to Callan, and the stakes are raised. - It's a good section, but I think it could use a little trimming. I expect Quirk and Callan to start their tussle a little sooner.
  9. - Good to see Callan is frustrated - it means he's not completely in control either. - The details about Qurik's previous marriage do seem to come a little out of nowhere. - I like the character interaction - particularly between Eight and Quirk in the end of the middle chapter - but I'm hoping we see some action soon too as this keeps building. - Looks like I got my wish in the very next chapter. Curious to see where this is going next.
  10. - Sam doesn't seem any worse for the wear here, which is a little odd. I would think this experience would shake him up a bit more. - Okay, so I see later he is shaken up, but I still think he needs to be shown a little more obviously affected. The world-building is nice, but the effect of this experience on Sam is what I was most interested in. - I like Origon's crack about finding dirt outside for Mhalro to look out. - I like Sam playing around with the Symphony. I'm curious if this is the right way to deal with his anxiety or not but I'm interested nevertheless. - And lastly I really like the suspense and intrigue build-up with Rilan!
  11. - I like the opening epigraph . . . does a good job building some ominous foreshadow. - There's not too much character in the first couple pages, and that's a bit worrisome since the opening promises a heavy character arch in the beginning. - The dialogue feels a little maid-and-butler-ish in spots. Plus I'd like to get to know more of the character of Laux, and it feels absent at this point. - Interesting start. The dialogue is a little rough, and I feel the description outweighs the character, but I am curious where this all goes and what this "corruption" entails.
  12. - I'm glad someone finally called out the Sherlock Holmes quote as cliche. - I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her. - I also love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere." - Nice two chapters, but the last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much.
  13. - I really like seeing Origon wincing . . . it gives us a sense he's not completely fearless :0 - Interesting development about the Drain . . . - Again, I like how Origon and Rilan interact - and how he refrains from pushing her. - I also like how Sam seems to be developing, no longer panicking, but instead, feeling anger . . . although the panic does come back at the very end.
  14. - "There they were" seems a bit cliche. - Like Callan wasn't dedicated to bringing this kingdom down before? - I do like the intrigue with Quirk and crew. - I like the employee/consultant line. -
  15. - It seems like Rilian thinks Tad may be lying really too quickly. It's a revelation that probably should be further down. - That said, I do like the interrogation scene. - I also like Sam's small panic attack. - I like the last line, but I think it may need a little more work. Sam is fitting into an alien culture, which seems contradictory to his previously agoraphobic life. You might want to hang a lampshade of this