Tariniel

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About Tariniel

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    Writer of Words, Crafter of Theories, User of Em-Dashes
  • Birthday November 2

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  1. These are the first two chapters of a new novel I started (my first, actually), called Shadows Unite. What I’m looking for right now is pacing, character, and readability, but I’m sure anything you guys care to say will result in a much improved second draft. So, fire at will!Also, if anyone knows how to pick a lock, and wouldn’t mind explaining, there’s a part where I just wrote "he (did something).” Hopefully one of you will be able to give me a hand with that Thanks for reading!
  2. The summer has officially begun! (I know, everyone else started ages ago, but what matters is that its writing time and boy have I missed this ) Any chance I can grab a spot in next Monday's submissions?
  3. So here's what I'm feeling from your overall responses: The plot idea, pacing and tension seem to be good, but the story itself needs more meat. The issues seem to be centered around a general confusion, which--when trying out so many new things in one story--I somewhat expected. I was wondering if you guys would be willing to get into the nitty gritty stuff, looking at it more from a writer's perspective than a reader's. What are the steps that I can take to reduce the confusion while still telling the same story? I'm thinking removing Dane might be necessary, as he doesn't play much into the overall plot, and seems to be making Sadie seem less competent (Thanks @Hobbit + @rdpulfer!) Additionally, and likely most importantly, Sadie's 'flashback' is an obvious source of confusion. Here I have absolutely no idea how to ease the transitions, however, and can't afford to remove those scenes. Anyone?
  4. Writing a sci-fi was one of the things I tried that is very new to me. Good to know that I at least got some things right As for the x-tech, the idea was the the original race built their version of 'robots,' a word which applies as it would to us. The robots were built with the capacity to adapt--so as to make them better workers--but it eventually led them to recognize their position in the world. This is what the x-tech is; their technology. Over time, however, we have evolved enough to be nearly indistinguishable from those first 'robots.' So yes, the material looks like human flesh, but it's adaptive qualities are much more advanced the ours. The failsafe aspect was that they were dependent on their creators to prevent memory loss. This built-in quality also facilitated the evolutionary memory loss later on. A nutritional deficiency is something to think about, though... This was not really conscious, but I can't say I'm surprised... To get the pun at the end right I twisted around the actual etymological meaning of these words. Loosely, 'Man' applies to the original race, and 'Human' applies to their creations. Your point still stands, however. I'll see if there's anything I can do.
  5. This is what I was most afraid of... One of the major distinctions between the journal entries and Sadie's POV is the tense, which I had to forgo due to the necessity of that flashback. I can't for the life of me think of a viable way to make the transition smoother... Maybe if I transitioned mid-Sadie scene, rather than putting an entry in between, readers wouldn't be so confused when they get back into her POV only to find the tense has changed? Suggestions anyone?
  6. I was shooting for the classic: race builds androids, androids evolve unexpectedly, then eventually overthrow their makers. As a twist, however, I told the story from the POV of one of those androids--now the planets inhabitants--who the reader later discovers is us. I kept the original race purposely vague, but tried to get across that our "flesh" is their form of advanced technology. I wonder if I can make this clearer by adding this information into the journal excerpts... I should definitely tie this in. The idea was for that to be part of their evolution. In order to live a normal life as the humans they had become, they needed to forget their past actions. (I'm pretty sure I hinted towards that fact, somewhere...) The adaptation was largely unconscious, slowly happening over the centuries that separate the two events. I am going for the latter. Not sure how I missed this... Thanks for the heads up
  7. Hey everyone! I wrote this while taking a short break from the book I am currently working on. As such, I tried to do quite a few things that I don't believe I've ever done before, mostly as a "cleansing the palate" sort of experience. Hopefully it turned out okay Any and all thoughts, corrections, and especially reactions are welcome. If I had to pinpoint something I'm specifically looking for it would be areas of confusion. With all of the switching that goes on, both in storyline and tense, I'm a little worried that readers will not be able to follow the story itself. If at any point you find yourself confused, don't hesitate to mention it. This story will probably need quite a bit of revision work, but I'm eager to get started Oh, and I put in a pun at the end which I've been told is not very apparent. I wonder how many of you will catch it, if any. Still thinking on how to change that, but also on whether its necessary at all...
  8. Won't be online for the next couple of days this week, so just wanted to try and get a spot in for next week (12th). Thanks!
  9. It's giving me an error message when I try to open it...
  10. This was amazing! It's incredible to see how much work was put in to a 2 1/2 minute film, and it definitely payed off! Made my day
  11. So, as I mentioned, I'm not the most adept mind when it comes to this sort of thing. It seems to me, however, that this would only affect the time of the seasons, and not their length or power (which is really what I'm shooting for.) It seems like something cool to add simply for the variety, but would it really change much?
  12. Heal Iyatil, hurt Nazh 1. Khriss--26 2. Nazh--18 3. Iyatil--26
  13. Hurt Nazh, Heal Iyatil 1. Khriss--26 2. Nazh--19 3. Iyatil--25
  14. Heal Iyatil, Hurt Felt 1. Khriss--23 2. Nazh--16 3. Iyatil--27 4. Felt--3
  15. Kaladin. His struggle with depression was beautifully written, and did much to strengthen the amazing character we see today.