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Ash

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About Ash

  • Birthday November 4

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Prairieville, LA
  • Interests
    Reading, writing, fishing, hunting and eating

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  1. Thank you for posting you story Molah. Things I liked The writing is pretty good; it flows. If I am reading and not thinking about how something is written, I figure it has to be good. I like that the dialogue, for the most part does not seem stilted and sounds like the things that people would actually say. I really liked that you threw magic in there, but not in your face and did not really explain it yet to boot. Subtlety is always a nice touch and keeps things interesting. Possible problems At the bottom of the third paragraph, is that Anna speaking? Should it not be in a separate paragraph if so? How old is James...he seems driven pretty strongly by hormones! As stated before, he can't possibly think that he can have a relationship with this girl as she is a servant and he is someone of status(in context with the story). Actually this makes me dislike him right off the bat. He is infatuated from Jump Street and puts this girl in a bad situation. I'm not sure if this is mean't to be, but that is how I felt at the beginning and did not change my mind much. Perhaps his attentions are innocent, but one has to think that there would be fall-out for the girl and probably not that much for him. in the 4th paragraph under section 3, the line 'They were all trying to get over with the ordeal as fast as possible' seems clunky. As stunning as the paining was...painting. with exotic flower as big as a man...flowers "Yes," he said haughtily...I'm thinking that you use haughtily for confidence, but it seems much to negative in it's use here. I mean, James has got it bad for this girl, I don't see him being nasty to her at all. so she was propelled backwards...passive voice Why did she run out of the room anyway? How long has Elyse been at the manse? James and the servant girl seem to get awfully chummy rather quickly. He was sure that this were his parents, however, and they appeared to be discussing...this is clunky He had never seen her so upset before...may be picky(possibly just a figure of speech?), but he is listening on the other side of the door Should gods be Gods? in the very last paragraph her reaction seems strange, but we are missing the rest of the story so that may come through. I wonder at Elyse saying that James is a nice guy...I'm not exactly sure of the setting, where and when, but her saying guy seems strange in context in this story. The story is interesting. I'm not sure that I have any idea what is going on, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. I look forward to reading the rest of it. Sincerely, Ash
  2. Hiya! This is a short story that I wrote a while back but really like. I wrote it originally for a prompt 'Cloud Storage'. Most of the folks wrote stories about computers and such...but mine was a bit different. When this first came up a friend of a friend's daughter was in an abusive relationship. When I found out about it, though I don't know any of them, I was really PO'd. I suppose, this story was a way for me to vent. So...I hope that you like my venting! Thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my work whether you comment or not. Sincerely, Ash
  3. Thank you all for taking the time to read the story and giving feedback. I think that I will stew on the comments for a while and redo it a bit later. I hope that you all have had, or are having, a great weekend.
  4. np SIlk Just say the word if I need to be bumped
  5. I can submit another short story, Fantasy this time, if there is a slot left or I can wait until next week.
  6. Thanks you guys for taking the time to read my little ditty and offer your opinions. Actually, this was never intended to be a deep story. Basically, I was wondering what a couple of practical jokers would do if someone kept eating their food. The replies actually made me go back and reread the story. First of all, I have to apologize for the errors, there were many I'm now realizing. I think that I forgot to include in the story that they spiked his food with a laxative, not to say that they did not put too much. But I have know people, and still do , who would actually do this sort of thing and feel like if no one died then it's all good. I'm not saying that I agree, just that those peeps are out there. There was a fair bit of sarcasm with them worrying about the toilet more than their roommate. He is not currently their favorite person during the story. Again, not defending the behavior just that I can see it happening. There is a very good reason that practical joking is not a very good, or sensible, idea. Thanks again for the replies. Hope everyone has a great week! Ash
  7. Hey Mark, I noticed that there are quite a few replies, so I'm going to jump in before reading them...mainly so it won't affect what I think (hey I'm malleable!) and so that I won't feel quite so inadequate. First off, the things I liked I really liked the way that, in the prologue, how you made the victim see comparisons to themselves and their killers, even while the killers were joyfully in the act, while the killers themselves failed completely to see these comparisons...The beasties more human than the humans??? I, for one, can appreciate irony. I liked the action and the fact that I knew what was going on, but still had no idea of the actual events. Dislikes I did not care much for your main character, but I have to believe that is by design. The prose and structure was a bit off putting (space between paragraphs, but not that bad...maybe something to get used to? Different is not always a bad thing so I would have to read more before I actually made a decision. Or...did you do it like that just for the submission? It is easier on the eyes. I know that this is the beginning, so it would be very unfair to start making conclusions. I must say that if I picked this book up, I would be interested enough to keep reading which is a win as far as I'm concerned. It will be interesting to see where you go with this idea.
  8. Short story...nuff said. I hope you guys enjoy it and appreciate you taking the time to read it
  9. Ok I went ahead and sent it out, since no one nay sayed. If I jumped the gun, I apologize.
  10. Hello, My name is Ashley, but my friends call me Ash . As you can probably tell by my typing, I have a massive southern accent (Louisiana USA). I look forward to being a part of the writing club, though I work shift work, actually something called the Dupont Shift, so I lose track of the days sometimes so not always very prompt sadly. I started writing years ago, but no one seemed interested in reading anything that I wrote, so I shelved it. I started back a couple of years ago and actually did NANOWRIMO one year and finished a novel. I now know that I basically wrote a lot of back story and am getting ready, psyching up that is, to start over, but man...it is daunting! All them words yall! ha I have always written short stories and have a novella or two so I'll start with them. Hopefully they will entertain you folks and maybe the stories themselves can be improved to boot. I came to this site because basically, I really like that Brandon writes great stuff, but more than that, he seems to still be gritty and difficult and all the real world stuff that anybody living has to deal with and still be classy. I can really appreciate, not to mention respect, a writer delivering the picture of what is going on without dropping F bombs every other line and giving blow by blow accounts of things that go on behind closed doors. I think that I would like to write like that. I'm not knocking the other, just saying that as a writer that is not me...but I do read it at times. Books and authors I like....hmmm David Brin, Startide Rising Favorite book for sure. I do dig some Larry Niven, his short work is beyond compare IMHO. Poul Anderson, the earlier stuff from Dan Simmons, John Scalzi Old Man's War stuff is great Garth Nix, Sabriel and the series and A Confusion of Princes. Inexplicably I really liked that book. Neil Gaiman, great writer, but seems to write about the same ideas a bit to me. Shockingly, I really liked The Host, but that is a bit embarrassing hah. other Favs...Madness Season by C.S. Friendman and Relic by Preston and Child. As you can see, I'm a bit all over, but that is what it is. Oh and if any of you folks out there have any good ideas for short stories, lay it on me...I seem to be bereft of nuggets at the moment...maybe losing too many brain cells due to the shift work... Thanks for allowing me into the club and for reading my rambling
  11. I know I'm a little late this week, but could I submit a short story? I can make it a REALLY short one lol. If so, I will have to send it out tomorrow, on Tuesday, as I'm at work tonight.
  12. Ash

    Howdy Do

    okay SA....I would say Andolin. shocked? well ok then let me get to splainin. I really didn't like Andolin so much WOK but he grew on me some in WOR until the end of the book. I won't go into the specifics (spoiler) but he grew so much as a character then. I really like characters that are human, have depth. All of us are a little bit of everything, good, bad, somewhere in-between and so on and so forth. When a character can grow in the story and seem more real, well, that is a kind of magic in itself. I could also say that I like Kaladin, Shallon and Sveth as well, probably like everyone else, sorry if I mispelled any of those. I think that is what is so great about the SA books so far, the characters. The story is interesting, the plot moves, the place is an interesting weird, the magic makes me wish I could vacation there and do some of that stuff and all that, but the characters are interesting, they come alive. I may even eventually like Dalinar, but well, he's an old codger lol so we shall see. Mistborn...Vin all day long. Why? Cause she is Vin and Vin is awesome all day long! Vin's business is kicking butt on an industrial strength level and business is good! HA I also must include Shai. She has levels and levels and levels...I think I would marry her(if my wife okay-ed it), though I would insist that she go study and do some forging in the red light district first...purely for er Scientific purposes of course...Hey if your gonna wish, shoot for the moon right? All joking aside, Shai is perhaps one of the best written characters that I have had the privilege of reading. That story was art for sure!!! So there you go.
  13. Ash

    Howdy Do

    @Swimmingly Probably not that much since I don't even know what the word Cosmere stands for though I have read on here that Elantris and SA are both in it. @Delightful That is a most difficult question. Though it is rude to answer a question with a question...I'm gonna do it anyway (Almost zero odds that my mother will ever venture here anyway lol so the chance of getting slapped (for this anyway) is exceedingly low). Which work? I would really have to ponder to choose one from all BS stuff that I have read.
  14. Just wanted to say hello to everyone. I'm a new member and a new fan of BS (No that does not stand for an expletive ) I have just started reading Brandon's books and love them. I like that he writes with heart, in that the characters seem to act like real people and are believable even in the crazy situations they find themselves in, which is a true gift IMHO. I also truly appreciate the originality that he puts into his writing. Oh and I'm currently reading Elantris, have read the two big books, the four Mistborn books and The Emperor's Soul. Great stuff! Write on BS (Still does not stand for an expletive ha) your work is awesome and that is no BS (Now this does stand for an expletive ) Later, Ash
  15. If Buffy the Vampire Slayer can do a 'Kick butt' musical, then so can SA IMHO. I think that in 10 years the effects budget will reachable to do this series justice, which is about how long it would take for it to be available I'm assuming. Heck in 20 years from now science may be able to just originate and breed chulls and the various other critters...then all you would need is a handy trainer, a trailer full of whatever they eat and an industrial strength pooper scooper...no fuss, no CGI, no muss...
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