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Mark

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    Reading, writing and drawing are three off the big ones. TV shows and movies come after.

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  1. Any and all criticism is welcome! Thanks in advance.
  2. I'd like to submit this weekend, if that's all right.
  3. Hey Robinski. As always, thanks for the critique. Very extensive, I appreciate it. I'm really glad you noticed improvements. I took everything I was told to heart, and did my best to correct some of my mistakes. I have fixed most of your more functional corrections, thanks for pointing them out. Mya may not have been the kid in the last version, that could have been something I added in after submitting. I tried to get across that Diego's death shouldn't have happened by having the summoners panic, but I think I might have been a bit too light on details. I'll see if I can fit something else in. Your bits on the flinch and the resistance of the blade are both spot on. I've amended it. And Brutus and Aldo sometimes use similar expressions. Aldo grew up with him, and has unconsciously adopted some of his mannerisms. Thanks again.
  4. Hey Mandamon, thanks for the comments. If you recall, there is a character named 'Mya' that turns up, that's the first way the prologue ties in. There's more down the road, not all of it is instantly obvious. I'm glad you enjoyed this more. I'll be getting back to some of your submissions.
  5. A friend of mine is in the exact same position. He's got a temporary thing at a job he wants, and hopes they'll keep him on when his time is up. I wish you all the best.
  6. No idea how I never saw your comment, Robinski (this is the one you made on chapters 6 and 7). I made a small description stating that the clearing was cast into gloom, if I remember correctly. It was night, I probably should have been more clear about that. The description comes late because Aldo doesn't get a very good look at the werewolf. It comes out of nowhere, and tackles him. The fact that he didn't actually know what was attacking him for a portion of the fight was supposed to highlight the confusion, but I might have missed my mark a bit. The cowardly part, well... I might have a different definition of 'cowardly' than you. If someone betrays their friends out of fear, or runs away in a fight, then I would say that they are cowardly. But Aldo is a sixteen-year-old kid, alone in the woods at night. He might have some backbone, but this situation hits a nerve with him. He's attacked out of nowhere by a monster, and he is terrified. I suppose it was my attempt to add some humanity to him, I didn't intend for him to come off as cowardly. The eight inches part I will give to you. And I don't like making my readers suspend their belief, so I'll be addressing that. I originally had it that the Equos had special armour, but I cut it because it was taking up too much time and it wasn't necessary. I might alter Vis somewhat - make it less about growing in size and more about increased muscle density. Also, out of curiosity, what RPs have you done? I've gotten into DnD 5E recently and it is excellent. YA was never in the cards, I don't think. I might be young myself, but I don't have to write for people my age. Brutal violence and swear words have their place. It is messed up that Laurentius hails her and then we don't see what happens in their conversation. Also Mya's logic in confronting the alpha is off, and the POV is confusing. All valid complaints. I am actually rewriting the first part of the novel as we speak. The chapter is getting a do-over, with all of your critiques kept in mind. Thank you. Cassio is a slip by me. I was reading Othello at the time and didn't even realise. Naming can be a pain. Also Rubumultis is just a bunch of Latin names jumbled together in google translate. Solid advice about not smacking readers over the head with things. Aldo makes a habit out of bottling up his feelings, don't worry, it isn't a sidebar. Also I'm so sorry that you're finally up to date and I'm restarting! I absolutely understand if you don't want to critique my new stuff. Thanks very much for your comments, they were very helpful.
  7. Back again, I'll get right to it. "plucking the arrow" is a bit off to me. Would one really be able to 'pluck' an arrow that had been fired into a deer? I'm commenting this while reading, but I like this hunter character. Well written. I'll also say that I like your magic system. It is mysterious, but still has parameters. A definite positive. I'm sorry, I know I'm not giving a lot of critique here, but I haven't found all too many problems, truth be told. Be assured that if you submit some tripe, I'll tear it apart!
  8. Not much to say about this one, which is good. I liked it. An escape is always fun, and you handled the suspend very well. The fact that Zima raped Belili was a definite curve ball, and added another layer. Very dark stuff. Okay, onto the two problems I have. "clapped him across the forehead" is the first. You've just had this guy admit to raping a girl, I don't think there's any need to skirt on the details of him getting smacked with a stone. Surely there's a more... brutal word than 'clapped'? "pulled the earth beneath the man." is the other. Not a very big issue, but something that jumped out at me a bit when I was reading. I'm picturing it as a sinkhole, but I'm not entirely sure. Maybe there's a way for you to create a clearer image in the reader's mind? That's pretty much it. Very good stuff. On to the next one!
  9. No problem. I'm gonna get to the rest of them now, I was just finishing some work of my own. Be right back!
  10. Firstly, congrats on the job, Silk! Hope it works out. Secondly, I'd like to submit a prologue and chapter one this Sunday. I have finished my book and have decided to rewrite the first part, so it's all new content (but probably familiar).
  11. Third critique, coming right up! "It was impossible for anyone to take a bed" - rather clunkily phrased. Maybe, "no one could reach their bed"? "It was to encourage 'discussion' to turn in the guilty party." Also clunky. Maybe, "It was to encourage 'discussion', to make the guilty party admit without needing the lash'. Keep in mind that these are only general suggestions. I'm not telling you how to write your book, I'm just pointing out how I would word it, if I were in your position. "Yes, the risk was worth it--if they weren't caught." This didn't sound right to me. I mean, of course it would be worth it if you weren't caught. The idea of a risk being worth it is that the possible reward outweighs the possibility of a more negative outcome. As well, when they're all chained up and everyone's accusing each other, I thought it rather... cartoon-ish that with every new accusation, everyone's head turned to the accused. Not a big issue, just something that occurred to me. Those are the only problems I had with it. I hope the girls do something different than what the other slave did, or it would be quite illogical for them to make it. And I quite like that they found seeds in the box, it's very interesting. I am still looking forward to reading more.
  12. Second critique, again without reading any of the others. "Until the year of the fever, their only job outside was pruning, for Belili, and tending the soil around the magic trees, for Kisa. Now they were outside nearly all the time." I think less commas would allow this to flow better, i.e. - "their only job outside was pruning for Belili, and tending the soil around the magic trees for Kisa". This is just a personal opinion, of course. "The non-magical fruit didn't earn as much money per fruit, of course" - One too many uses of 'fruit', I think. Maybe 'the non-magical variety'? And if the master wasn't convinced, why was he locking them all up and demanding they tell him who the culprit was? Surely that means he does believe there to be a culprit? Those are the only problems I have. This chapter is upping the ante a bit, what with the theft. You nailed the tension aspect, especially considering what happened to the slave that tried to run away. Maybe Belili's lost pinky could have been referenced earlier, but that isn't a major thing. I'll move on to the second part, so.
  13. Hey Mandamon, sorry for being late to this but I want to start from the beginning. I've avoided all other comments in order to give an unbiased critique. I'm getting a serious Sanderson-vibe here, which I love. Especially the whole hair thing. Excellent world-building, I must say I'm intrigued. The only issues I've spotted are mostly small things. For example, "He wasn't too swift." isn't grammatically correct, and is clunky. Another would be, ""What could it be? Can it help us?" Kisare rolled her eyes". Having 'Kisare' right after Bel speaks is a bit confusing. I thought it was her speaking. I was kind of thrown, and had to read it a couple of times. It broke my immersion a tad. The runaway slave's punishment was brutal. Made me wince, but I liked it. Really got across how harsh their lives are. The hollow thump got me hooked, too. And combined with the noble's cruelty, I want it to be something that helps them escape, or rise up. The important part is that I want it to be something, which shows I've become invested. I'll read the next part, and comment on your other post.
  14. Hey Lerroy, thanks for the reply. I'll try to address some of your points, and can hopefully but your mind at ease concerning some of the problems you've pointed out. You're right that there isn't an obvious side with which to empathise with, and it is quite intentional. The story is not black and white, so I want to set the grey tone from the beginning. While a protagonist is actually just the leading character in a text, I see your point. Unfortunately, if I were inclined to switch main characters, I am about ninety-thousand words too late. Aldo's intentions might not be obvious from the beginning, but personally I prefer a somewhat ambiguous goal than a clichéd one that I've read before. Of course, that's my personal opinion, so I understand if you don't share my view. The magic costs part is another good point, and one that I realise now I haven't addressed early enough. I have ratified it slightly. There are costs to magic, but I just haven't made them immediately obvious. The grammar I feel I have improved significantly on since I first posted this, but you're right that it needed work. Now, about your comment on sexual orientations. Neither are straight, but neither are they completely gay. It isn't pivotal to the plot, though. The culture of Novondo (the continent) is heavily influenced by Rome, and the Roman Empire, where bisexuality was actually commonplace. Some people were regarded as strange if they chose not to take on partners of both sexes. It isn't a statement that I'm making, it is simply me being realistic. There are lots of non-straight people in the world, and they are represented fully in my novel. There is not a particularly strong romantic sub-plot, so I don't think the sexual orientations of the characters will be such a big deal that it will break the novel for people. Again, your criticism is much appreciated, thank you!
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